Disc Wars  Episode 6
by Beth Einspanier
Summary: The conclusion of the famed Disc Wars trilogy; Darth Vetinari has a new and more dangerous weapon - but can our heroes find the man who can stop it before the Empire does? [FINISHED!] R&R!
1. Prologue

Disc Wars: Episode 6  
a parodic screenplay by Beth Einspanier  
based on some stuff by Terry Pratchett, a lot of other stuff by George Lucas, brought together in a gluey mush by me and read by you  
  
Disclaimer: The Discworld and related characters are not mine. Neither are the basic premise, most of the technology, and a few basic societal templates. However, the unique combination of these and other references are mine, though I can't always take credit for those bits when the characters get completely out of my control [which happens frequently]. All rights reserved.  
  
Author's notes: Okeyday, here comes the conclusion to the epic Disc Wars trilogy! I really didn't expect Disc Wars to be as popular as it turned out to be [a certain Yahoo! Group can attest to that ;-)], so thank you so much for all your reviews and encouragement! Please be sure your seatbacks and tray tables are in their locked and fully upright position, and keep your hands and feet inside the fanfic at all times.  
  
*****  
  
A Century of the Fruitbat Production.  
  
EXT - SPACE  
  
Title: Somewhere at the edge of the probability curve...  
  
STAR WARS FANFARE  
  
Title: DISC  
WARS  
  
Title crawl:  
  
EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI  
Having twice thwarted the plans of the sinister Darth Vetinari to destroy the Rebel Alliance, our intrepid heroes have retreated to the remotest bayou of Genua to regroup and prepare to rescue the smuggler Ridcully from the clutches of the gangster Jabba.  
  
Little do they know that the Empire has a new weapon on its way from the Agatean Empire, one with the potential to destroy an entire city (like the ones sympathetic to the Rebel Alliance). Only two minds on all the Disc know how to deal with this new threat, and one of them is the unwitting pawn of the Empire...  
  
PAN DOWN  
to the Discworld, floating slowly through space on the back of A'Tuin via the accompanying elephants.  
  
DISSOLVE TO:  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER  
  
At first all we see is an empty doorway. Gradually, we hear the sound of someone running like hell, then skidding to a halt in the doorway, revealing that the someone is Darth Vetinari. He takes a few moments to compose himself, then steps calmly through the doorway, accompanied [as always] by the Imperial March.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[sotto] Stupid bloody alarm clock...  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
It's not my fault if you kept hitting the snooze bar. I told you we'd begin shooting at eight.  
  
Vetinari turns to face the director.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
I don't recall anything in my contract that said I had to get up early.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
Listen, we'll discuss this later. Just do your scene, okay?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
You *will* edit this out later, right?  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
Of course I will.  
  
The Sith Lord growls and continues on. An officer approaches him.  
  
OFFICER  
Sir, Lord Hong's ship has arrived. With the... You Know What.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Good. Show him in.  
  
As the officer jogs away to carry out this order, Vetinari shuts the visor in his helmet. We hear a door swish open, then close.  
  
After a few beats of listening to Vetinari's amplified breathing...  
  
ON THE FAR DOOR  
as it swishes open again, to reveal two young Agatean women leading a large, hovering, ornate box of some sort, shaped like a flower bud and decorated all over with gems. They turn left as they clear the door, revealing eight gold-armoured samurai in four rows of two, who proceed through the door and to the right. Then come two Agatean girls, who toss rose petals behind them as they enter, to pave the way for a canopied sedan chair borne by four Agatean slaves, which proceeds in at a dignified pace.  
  
Vetinari watches this procession, and his amplified breathing has a slightly dubious note to it.  
  
The slaves set the sedan chair on the floor [buffered by the carpet of rose petals], and one of them pulls aside the front curtain of the canopy, revealing LORD HONG, draped in dark red robes which conceal every part of him save for the lower part of his face and his hands, which are tipped with long, pointed nails like claws [painted gold]. Hong steps out of the sedan chair and [proceeded by the two flower girls and their never-ending supply of rose petals] approaches Darth Vetinari. Vetinari endures a brief rain of rose petals before Hong dismisses the girls with a wave.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[thru visor] IT'S REFRESHING TO SEE THAT BEING THE EMPEROR OF YOUR OWN FEDERATION HASN'T GONE TO YOUR HEAD, LORD HONG.  
  
Lord Hong nods.  
  
LORD HONG  
I'm glad to note your asthma appears to be clearing up.  
  
Vetinari shoves up the visor in annoyance.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[aside to Hong] That was for effect, you know that.  
  
Lord Hong dismisses this with a wave of his claw.  
  
LORD HONG  
I've been observing your efforts to subdue the Rebellion with some interest, my pupil. I understand that there have been... setbacks.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
That is to be expected, My Lord. Everything will be taken care of in due time.  
  
LORD HONG  
[irritated] Do I have the word 'stupid' written on my forehead? You have been *given* time to deal with the Rebellion. You have *not* dealt with the Rebellion. Do you know what your problem is? You are too subtle... too political. You have always been such. You have tried your way. Now we shall do things my way.  
  
He gestures to the box, and the two women attending it unlock it. It opens like a lotus flower, revealing a gigantic pearl [hereafter referred to as the DEATH EGG], three feet in diameter and shining white with hints of other colors in its surface. Occasionally the odd spark of Octarine dances across it. Hong gestures again, and the women close and seal the box once again.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[immediately suspicious] What is that?  
  
Lord Hong smiles unpleasantly. He appears to have short fangs [think of Wesley Snipes' teeth in the "Blade" movies].  
  
LORD HONG  
Control.  
  
*****  
  
End of Part 1. 


	2. Welcome to Genua

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
FADE TO:  
EST - GENUA  
  
Genua is mainly swampland, the sort looks pretty much like it smells and has little houses on stilts sticking up out of the water. We pan through a small village of such houses, connected above the brackish water via walkways and rope bridges. Eventually we start to hear a familiar droidish beeping.  
  
ARTOO [o.s.]  
[subtitle: Look, you heard him. He's got everything all worked out. You can't tell me that you're still worried.]  
  
The two droids, PONDER THREEPIO and ARTOO, come into view.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Well of course I'm worried. This has to be the longest shot he's proposed so far.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: And that's exactly why it's going to work. I mean, really... how bad could this Jabba chap be?]  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
I don't suppose you're interested it the rumours I've heard about him? I heard they call him "The Dean" because he tends to, er, teach people lessons they don't forget.  
  
Artoo beeps testily.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: Don't burst my bubble just yet, okay?]  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[wearily] If you insist...  
  
By now they have arrived at the end of the boardwalk [and the village] and the beginning of solid land. Not far ahead is Jabba's Palace, a gaudy monstrosity made of corrugated steel and decorated with neon signs that offer various cardinal sins to paying customers.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
I really don't like the look of this place. I mean, Casanunda and Chewbacca never came back from here.   
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: Chewbacca can take care of himself. And Casanunda... well, you met him yourself.]  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Briefly. [unspoken: "That was enough."]  
  
They arrive at the front door, with is guarded by a trollish bouncer [note: not Detritus] of such breadth that he could easily *be* the door. He is currently paying little attention to the droids, since most of it is focused on picking his nose.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[to the bouncer] Er, excuse me...  
  
The bouncer removes the digit from his right nostril and looks down at the two droids. He quickly assesses that the droids are not the sort you'd ordinarily find anywhere near Jabba's palace.  
  
BOUNCER  
Whaddaya want?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Ponder Threepio and Artoo to see Mr. Jabba. We're expected.  
  
The bouncer slowly digests this, then snickers, motions for them to wait right where they are, and heads inside.  
  
There is a long pause.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: I know what the problem is. I look underage, don't I?]  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
I don't think they're going to let us in. We ought to g--  
  
Just then the bouncer reappears and waves them in.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: Come on, you. He's depending on us.]  
  
Artoo scoots through the open door, followed hesitantly by Threepio.  
  
INT - JABBA'S PALACE  
  
Jabba's Palace is something between a nightclub, a mosh pit, a Creosote's personal rec room. The house band is Music With Rocks In [so proclaims a sign on the wall behind them], with a troll percussionist, a dwarvish horn player, and a human [who appears to be somewhere between twelve and thirty years of age] on the electric guitar.  
  
At the center of it all is JABBA, a bloated toad of a man in a ratty fur vest that would reach to his ankles if he ever cared to stand up. He appears to be only slightly younger than Ridcully, to judge by his own short, tobacco-stained beard that makes him look like the perverted brother of Santa Claus that no-one ever talks about. At his side is a rather twitchy-looking man called DUNWIDDIE.   
  
Chained to Jabba's throne is a scantily-clad dancing girl, who is currently gyrating to the music and trying to pretend she enjoys it. Jabba seizes the chain and starts to pull he closer, probably wanting the sort of dance that the movie's rating won't allow. She senses this and tries to resist, struggling against the chain. Jabba frowns briefly, then gets a better idea and reaches for a lever at the side of his throne. He pulls it, and a section of the floor grate drops out from under her and she falls, screaming, into the pit below.  
  
The trapdoor closes and everyone draws closer to see the girl's fate. There is an expectant pause.  
  
RANCOR  
[stage whisper] Uh... uh... line?  
  
GEORGE LUCAS  
[stage whisper] You're supposed to roar.  
  
RANCOR  
[stage whisper] Oh yeah...  
  
There is a loud roar from the pit, followed shortly by the dancing girl's scream.  
  
Just then, the two droids are ushered into the room by the bouncer. Dunwiddie twitches his way over to the bouncer, and they have a brief whispered conference, punctuated with a few glances towards the droids. Then Dunwiddie meanders back to his post by Jabba and murmurs something in his ear.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: All this whispering is making me nervous. I wish someone would make a loud noise or something. The tension is killing me.]  
  
Just then:  
  
JABBA  
[loudly] You two!  
  
The droids jump.  
  
JABBA [contd.]  
Get over here!  
  
The droids approach. Threepio glances down and notes the grate with some concern, but recovers his composure and bows graciously to the crime lord.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Lord High Jabba, my name is Ponder Threepio, and my companion is Artoo Detoo. We have come with a message for you from the great Jedi Carrot Skywalker.  
  
There is a long pause, then Threepio nudges Artoo. Artoo sighs digitally and projects a six-inch- high hologram of Carrot, clad in Jedi robes. The resolution is good enough that we can see that Carrot's hair has grown noticeably longer than it was when we last saw him, a testament to how long it's been since the previous Episode.  
  
CARROT [recording]  
Great Jabba, ruler of all you survey and the supreme head of the Genuan underworld, I humbly bring you greetings.  
  
Jabba, who is not prone to false modesty [because he has no modesty at all], watches the hologram closely, appreciative of the long-distance bootlicking so far in the message.  
  
CARROT [recording] [contd.]  
I am given to understand that you have in your possession one Ridcully, preserved in carbonite. I am willing to trade you for him. If you release Ridcully, I give over to you these two droids.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
What?!  
  
The protocol droid turns to Artoo, who squeaks his innocence. The recording has continued through this exchange:  
  
CARROT [recording] [contd.]  
... hard working, and they will serve you faithfully for many years. [grim] However, I warn you Jabba... do not cross me. My powers are great, and you would be most unwise to incur my wrath. [back to cordiality] Your Humble Servant, Carrot Skywalker.  
  
The hologram vanishes. There is absolute silence for a couple of beats.  
  
Then Jabba bursts out laughing.  
  
JABBA  
You know, that has to be the best joke anyone's ever played on me! What does he expect me to do, just *give* him my favourite decoration?  
  
He motions in the general direction of the preserved Ridcully, whose significant digit is being used as a coathook.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Well, we'll just go and tell him then--  
  
JABBA  
Not so fast!  
  
He looks appraisingly at the two droids.  
  
JABBA  
Faithful and hardworking, eh?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Mr. Jabba sir, I don't really think it's wise--  
  
Jabba motions to a resident droid who looks entirely too pointy for Threepio's comfort.  
  
JABBA  
I want these two looking presentable within the hour. [to Threepio] You. What can you do?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Well, I contain datafiles on every known culture on the Disc, and I can speak six million languages, and--  
  
JABBA  
Can you sing or dance?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[a bit perplexed] No, sir. But I can provide diplomatic relations between you and your... esteemed guests. And I am well-trained as an advisor.  
  
JABBA  
[dangerous] Are you saying you don't think I can do my job by myself?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[really cranking up the diplomacy] Even the greatest of kings has a royal advisor at his side. And if I may say so, you are certainly in a league of your own, sir.  
  
Jabba digests this for a few moments, and finally decides it was a compliment.  
  
JABBA  
All right. [to the pointy droid] Get him polished up so he looks nice at his new place next to my throne.  
  
POINTY DROID  
And the other?  
  
JABBA  
[dismissive] Fit him with a drinks tray or something.  
  
Artoo squawks indignantly  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[aside to Artoo] Don't worry... he'll be here, I'm sure of it.  
  
As the two droids are led away, they pass an unusually short palace guard - Casanunda in disguise. He appears to have ditched the powdered wig for now, but a short brown ponytail sticks out from under his helmet.  
  
EXT - JABBA'S PALACE  
  
We witness the long day's journey into night in the space of a few seconds. Just as the sunlight finishes oozing out of the scene, two figures, one leading the other on a chain, approach the Palace  
  
INT - JABBA'S PALACE  
  
A female troll named Ruby has joined Music With Rocks in, at least for the evening. She has almost gotten rid of her harsh trollish accent:  
  
RUBY  
[singing] I hate the world today... you are so good to me but I know that I cannot change...  
  
The bouncer leads in a masked bounty hunter named BOSHH, leading a sullen Chewbacca on a chain. Boshh sounds like he is speaking through a Mr. Microphone.  
  
BOSHH  
I am given to understand that there is a bounty on the head of this ape. I am here to claim it.  
  
Jabba looks tiredly at Chewbacca. Chewbacca bares his fangs at the crimelord.  
  
JABBA  
Very well. [to the bouncer] Take the monkey to the dungeon. [as the bouncer does so:] Now, for your bounty... Ten thousand Genuan?  
  
BOSHH  
The ape was very difficult to capture. I require twenty thousand for my extra troubles.  
  
JABBA  
Give me one good reason why I should comply.  
  
Boshh pulls out a fist-sized black object from one of his many pockets and brandishes it.  
  
JABBA  
[aside to Threepio] What's that?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
It appears to be a billiards ball, sir... [catches himself] Of course it is well-known that many bounty hunters carry thermal grenades made to look like eight-balls... to lend credence to the idea of getting blackballed.  
  
JABBA  
Huh. Where'd you learn that?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
The Internet, sir. I suggest you do what he says - I have no strong desire to be reduced to my component molecules.  
  
Jabba looks at Boshh, then one of the Palace guards.  
  
JABBA  
[to Boshh] Done. Of course, the hour grows late. I insist you stay over until the morning. [it does not sound like a request]  
  
BOSHH  
You are very kind, Lord Jabba.  
  
JABBA  
[to the guard] Show the gent to his quarters. Give him the royal treatment.  
  
GUARD  
Yes, Lord Jabba.  
  
He leads Boshh away. As they turn a corner, we see the guard starting to draw his sword. There are sounds of a scuffle, then the swipe of a sword and the thud of something head-sized hitting the ground. Jabba manages to look sympathetic and amused at the same time.  
  
JABBA  
Mark that, Threepio... It doesn't pay to get greedy.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[concerned] Yessir.  
  
AROUND THE CORNER...  
Boshh wipes the sword on the guard's unform. The guard's head, its face frozen in an expression of shock, lays by the corpse's elbow.  
  
BOSHH  
[sotto] Royal treatment. Pfah... more like the Stoneface Vimes royal treatment...  
  
He straightens up and walks away.  
  
INT - JABBA'S PALACE - MIDNIGHT  
  
All is still in the Palace, with people sleeping pretty much where they passed out from too much drink. Jabba snores like an earthquake, his head propped up in one hand, while Dunwiddie has managed to fall asleep on his feet.  
  
Boshh slips towards Ridcully the carbonite coathook, looking around furtively to make sure everyone is asleep. He removes the hanging garment and tosses it aside, then studies the controls on the block's frame. He keys in a few codes, then hits a big red button that isn't marked Enter but should be.  
  
The carbonite begins to steam as it evaporates, eventually spilling the limp form of Ridcully into Boshh's arms with a collective grunt. The bounty hunter staggers slightly [Ridcully is not a small man] and lays him down on the floor, watching for any signs of life.  
  
After a few tense moments, Ridcully suddenly inhales and starts coughing. Boshh looks around to see if the noise has attracted any notice.  
  
RIDCULLY  
[weakly] Anyone get the licence plate of that fifth of vodka that hit me?  
  
BOSHH  
You're suffering from carbonite sickness. It'll pass in time.  
  
Ridcully gropes blindly and finds Boshh's mask.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Who's there?  
  
The bounty hunter removes Ridcully's hand, then takes off the helmet to reveal that Princess Angua [her hair in a very utilitarian bun] is Ridcully's mysterious savior.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Someone who thinks you're a prick... but it's good to see you anyway.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Gee, Princess... I didn't know you cared.  
  
She starts to help him to his feet.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Come on. Let's get you out of--  
  
JABBA [o.s.]  
Not so fast.  
  
Ridcully hones in on the voice. Jabba and his people are very much awake.  
  
RIDCULLY  
I know that voice.  
  
Guards close in on Ridcully and the Princess.  
  
JABBA  
Threepio...  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Sir?  
  
JABBA  
As my personal advisor, how would you recommend I handle these miscreants?  
  
All eyes are on the poor protocol droid.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[nervous] Well, consider that it is their first offence--  
  
JABBA  
And as Ridcully knows very well, the best way to punish a first offence is to make sure there is no second offence.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[not grasping the significance] Very good, sir.  
  
JABBA  
And the best way to make sure of *that* is death, wouldn't you agree, Threepio?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[sputters helplessly]  
  
JABBA  
I knew you'd agree with me. [to the guards] Take Ridcully to the dungeon until his sentence is to be passed. And as for the girl... bring her a bit closer. I want to see her assets more clearly.  
  
It takes two guards to drag Angua closer to the throne so Jabba can more properly leer at her. As he caresses her face, she appears to be contemplating doing something very painful to Jabba with a lightsaber.  
  
JABBA [contd.]  
Yes... she will do nicely. But... change her into something a bit more... suitable. That jumpsuit must be very binding.  
  
The guards drag Angua away as Jabba settles back into a private cloud of satisfaction.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[aside] I hope he gets here soon...  
  
INT - DUNGEON  
  
Ridcully is pitched into a cell already occupied by Chewbacca, loses his balance, and falls to his hands and knees. Chewie hoots a greeting and rushes over to hug his old friend, planting slobbery kisses on Ridcully's face. Ridcully coughs through his smile.  
  
RIDCULLY  
I'd know that breath anywhere... Hi Chewie. Came to rescue me, did you? Good on ya. I wish I could say it was good to see you, but I can't see too clearly right now.  
  
Chewbacca strokes Ridcully's head soothingly and makes reassuring noises: It's all right, we'll get out of here.  
  
EXT - JABBA'S PALACE - MORNING  
  
The sunlight has settled like a sleepy cat over the bayou, and is about as reluctant to move. Carrot, in Jedi robes, approaches the Palace, touching his forelock in greeting to passersby.  
  
He steps up to the front door, and is promptly confronted by the trollish Bouncer.  
  
CARROT  
I wish to see Lord Jabba.  
  
BOUNCER  
Do you have an appointment?  
  
CARROT  
[waving his hand] [echo] I don't need an appointment. [/echo]  
  
The bouncer rocks back slightly on his heels. Carrot smiles pleasantly.  
  
INT - JABBA'S PALACE  
  
Now Princess Angua is clad in a gold metal bikini [being a werewolf tends to do amazing things for one's figure] and sits at the foot of Jabba's throne, chained there with a collar around her neck.  
  
Music With Rocks In is playing once again, still fronted by vocaliste Ruby...  
  
RUBY  
[singing] Haven't we met? You're some kind of beautiful stranger... you could be good for me... I have a taste for danger...  
  
... as the bouncer leads Carrot into the common room.  
  
Jabba looks sharply over at the new arrival.  
  
JABBA  
[harsh whisper, to Dunwiddie] Get him out of here!  
  
Dunwiddie hurries over to confront Carrot but stops short a few feet from the young Jedi, every muscle rigid. Carrot calmly picks him up and leans him against the wall like he was a two-by- four.  
  
CARROT  
I will not be detained, Jabba. There are things we must discuss.  
  
JABBA  
Well... by all means, come over here where I can see you. Don't skulk in the shadows like that - it makes me think you're trying to be sneaky.  
  
Carrot steps forward, sidestepping Artoo with his tray of drinks, until he stands before Jabba's throne. The Jedi takes note of Angua, and nods almost imperceptibly to her, as if to say, "I'm going to get you out of here, don't worry about it."  
  
CARROT  
Lord Jabba, I trust you received my message?  
  
JABBA  
I did. I can't say as I think much of it.  
  
CARROT  
So I noticed. Not only have you *not* turned over Ridcully to me, but you have also kept the two droids I sent in trade. I am not happy, Jabba.  
  
JABBA  
Well, boo-hoo. I bargain on *my* terms, not yours, and I have decided to keep your generous gifts.  
  
Angua bristles as Jabba strokes her hair as though she were a pet cat.  
  
JABBA [contd.]  
As for you... in the immortal words of an anonymous Ephebian philosopher, "Travers Inferne."  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[automatically translating] "Go to hell."  
  
Carrot frowns.  
  
CARROT  
You're starting to annoy me, Jabba. That would not be wise.  
  
Jabba smiles unpleasantly, and Threepio sees the crimelord's pudgy hand creeping towards the Lever, and that Carrot is standing on the grate above the Rancor pit.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Master Carrot! Look--!  
  
Jabba gleefully pulls the Lever, and Carrot is dumped into the lair below.   
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
CARROT!  
  
She leaps for the edge of the pit, trying to see if Carrot is okay, but she is dragged back to the throne by the chain. Jabba pulls her so close that she nearly gags on his foetid breath.  
  
JABBA  
I wouldn't want my favourite accessory to get hurt, my pretty one. You might want to stay well back from the Rancor.  
  
He throws her to the ground, and Threepio automatically tends to her.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[sotto] Are you all right?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
[sotto] I'll be fine. But Jabba is *so* going to hurt when this is over.  
  
IN THE PIT...  
  
Carrot picks himself up off the sandy floor of the Rancor pit, looking around warily for any sign of its occupant. He turns as a huge shape moves in the shadows [okay, they're big shadows], craggy and monstrous. Carrot instinctively steps back from the shape, preparing for evasive action.  
  
RANCOR  
ROAR! [this isn't him roaring. He's yelling "roar"]  
  
The Rancor steps out of the shadows and--  
  
CARROT  
Detritus?!  
  
--reveals that it is, indeed, the troll Detritus. He is, however, out of uniform, because monsters don't wear armour.  
  
DETRITUS  
[recognising Carrot] Hi.  
  
CARROT  
What are you doing here? I thought you'd be in Quirm by now.  
  
DETRITUS  
I was, but then I heard there was a dam-sel here who needed rescuing. But they caught me and put me down here.  
  
CARROT  
Well, that was very gallant of you. Who were you rescuing?  
  
DETRITUS  
[embarrassed] Ruby. The troll singer with Music With Rocks In.  
  
CARROT  
[hesitant, but giving him the benefit of the doubt] I can... see that.  
  
DETRITUS  
[completely missing the subtext] So now I'm working undercover. Er, don't give it away. Please?  
  
CARROT  
I won't.  
  
DETRITUS  
Of course, that means that I have to act like I'm trying to eat you. Mr. Lucas said. But I won't *really* be trying to eat you, all right?  
  
Carrot isn't quite sure Detritus knows the difference between pretending to try to kill someone and really trying to kill someone, but:  
  
CARROT  
All right.  
  
Detritus charges.  
  
TOPSIDE...  
  
A puzzled crowd has gathered at the pit to watch.  
  
DUNWIDDIE  
[note: he is no longer rigid]  
That was... odd.  
  
IN THE PIT...  
  
Carrot dodges aside as Detritus thunders past, trips on a small boulder, and falls on his face. Past the fallen troll Carrot can see an open portcullis leading outside. He runs up the troll's back as Detritus is starting to get up, steps on the stony head, pushing it back down, and makes a break for the portcullis. A couple of guards see Carrot coming [with Detritus on his heels, having the time of his life playacting at being a ferocious Rancor] and scramble to lower the portcullis before he can escape.  
  
Carrot, now trapped, slams up against the portcullis desperately, then turns to face Detritus.  
  
The guards watch the ensuing battle between man and troll with the same morbid fascination one might give a train wreck. We don't see what's happening, but it sounds violent and potentially painful. The fight concludes with a cloud of dust puffing through the portcullis and past the guards There is a solemn silence. It is hard to see anything through the dust, and the guards draw closer to the portcullis to try to make out who the winner was.  
  
Suddenly, a human arm shoots out through the mesh of the portcullis, grabs a guard by the front of his uniform, and slams his head against the control panel, knocking him unconscious. The guard falls, the arm withdraws, the portcullis lifts, and Carrot staggers out of the lair, looking like he had a fight with a truck and won by the narrowest of margins. He is sweaty, bruised, and out of breath. As a result he is in no shape to properly address the other nineteen guards now facing him. They take him into custody and lead him away.  
  
INSIDE THE PALACE...  
  
Jabba looks over the disheveled Carrot with unmasked contempt.  
  
JABBA  
[to the guards] Put him with the others. They die at noon, every last one of them.  
  
Casanunda watches Carrot and the guards as they pass, then turns to follow.  
  
CASANUNDA  
[aside] Eighteen minutes in, and people are already trying to kill us. This does not bode well.  
  
He in turn passes by Herrenna the bounty hunter, who brings up the rear of this would-be funeral procession.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 2. 


	3. Been there, Done that, Blew It Up

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
INT - DUNGEON  
  
Carrot staggers into the cell, propelled by the guard. He slams into Ridcully, nearly knocking the both of them to the floor.  
  
RIDCULLY  
What? Who's this, now?  
  
CARROT  
It's me. Carrot.  
  
RIDCULLY  
It's about bloody time. Chewie was telling me about your big plan to get us all out of here--  
  
The cell door slams. There is a long pause.  
  
RIDCULLY  
... and right now I think we're all hosed.  
  
LATER...  
  
The prisoners [their hands tied with rope] and several guards [Casanunda among them] are on a hoverbarge gliding out over the lake behind Jabba's Palace. On the roof of the Palace we can see Threepio and Artoo moving about, both jockeying for vantage points so they can keep a visual sensor on Carrot.  
  
Herrenna fairly slithers over by Carrot and looks him up and down appreciatively before moving away again.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Any idea where this thing is taking us? It smells like someone farted out here.  
  
CARROT  
Well, we're on a lake by Jabba's place, in the swamp.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Huh. I always wondered where the fat slob hung his hat.  
  
Carrot looks over the railing, into the water. Half a dozen alligators look back at him.  
  
RIDCULLY  
I expect this was all part of your Big Plan?  
  
CARROT  
Most of it, yes.  
  
INT - JABBA'S PALACE  
  
Angua peers anxiously at the hoverbarge through a window, focusing mainly on the broad- shouldered figure of Carrot. Jabba is watching the lake via opera glasses, but presently he glances over at the Princess with an unpleasant smirk.  
  
JABBA  
As you can see, my beauty, I like to strike a balance with nature. For example, your friends are now going to be the main course for the alligators in the lake. [off Angua's venomous glare] Well, I have to feed them *something*, right? Hungry alligators make for bad business, and they're too useful to kill wholesale.  
  
EXT - HOVERBARGE  
  
The guards nudge Carrot over onto the plank above the water. The alligators have learned long ago that the hoverbarge means feeding time, so they're working themselves into a blood frenzy in anticipation.  
  
Carrot steps to the edge of the plank and glances down. The next few seconds, he knows, can make or break this plan. He steps off...  
  
... and catches the edge of the plank, swinging back underneath, then forward [his feet inches above the snapping alligators] and up to catch the guard under the chin with both feet. As the guard staggers back, Carrot flips onto the plank, grabs the guard's blaster, and shoves him off the plank, ignoring the man's screams as he is devoured.  
  
Herrenna fires a crossbow at Carrot, but his Jedi senses warn him ahead of time and he catches the bolt in midair with his bound hands, then in the same second flings it into the throat of another guard who was getting ready to blast him, sending the guard toppling back over the railing.  
  
Casanunda pulls a knife from its boot sheath and tosses it to Carrot, who uses it to cut his bonds as Casanunda starts using his own blaster to good use. Herrenna draws a javelin from a sheath on her back and tries to run the dwarf through, but he crouches, grabs her legs, and uses her own momentum to send her over the railing before he continues shooting at a guard.  
  
CASANUNDA  
Damn waste. She was pretty, too.  
  
Artoo, seeing his cue, hops up onto the ledge [no small feat for someone without knees], aims his dome carefully, and fires Carrot's lightsaber out over the lake.  
  
The weapon [as far as anyone on the barge is concerned] falls from the sky shortly after Carrot frees Chewie's wrists and gives him the knife to help Ridcully. The young Jedi ignites the saber and starts wreaking havoc amongst the guards.  
  
INT - JABBA'S PALACE  
  
Jabba is turning an interesting shade of crimson.  
  
JABBA  
No! No! This isn't supposed to happen! You're all supposed to go off the plank into the lake, NOT FIGHT BACK!  
  
Angua has had quite enough of this; taking advantage of his distraction, she loops the chain around Jabba's flabby neck and pulls it tight under the lowermost of his chins, bracing her foot against the mighty gangster's throne. Dunwiddie is frantic, and he scuttles up to her, trying to stop her. As soon as he grabs her by the shoulders, she turns with a snarl, revealing her glowing yellow eyes and bared fangs. He staggers back, making the little whimpering noises of someone who was already mentally unstable but has just been given the fright of his life and isn't entirely sure whether to scream or piss himself. She resumes her grim task, pulling harder on the chain until several seconds after Jabba stops thrashing and slumps in his throne.  
  
EXT - HOVERBARGE  
  
Most of the guards on the barge are disposed of, but those on the Palace roof are now firing on the barge, so far unaware that their boss is dead. Carrot extinguishes his lightsaber and clips it to his belt.  
  
CARROT  
Casanunda! Do you know how to fly this thing?  
  
RIDCULLY  
I'm sure I can.  
  
CARROT  
But you can't see.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Chewie here'll be my eyes for me.  
  
As the orangutan shrugs helplessly at Carrot and helps Ridcully up to the helm, Carrot mouths "brace yourself" to Casanunda, who nods. Just then, the dwarf notices someone climbing back over the railing and who is now trying to creep up behind Carrot - Herrenna.  
  
Carrot, catching Casanunda's look, turns just in time to block the bounty hunter from stabbing him, catching the wrist of her knife hand against his forearm.  
  
CARROT  
[over his shoulder to Ridcully and Chewie] Head for the Palace!  
  
RIDCULLY  
Righto.  
  
He guns the engine, at first sending the barge further out over the lake [where it was pointing in the first place] but then, with Chewie chattering directions at him, bringing it around in a tight arc [which nearly pitches the grappling Carrot and Herrenna over the rail] to head back towards the Palace.  
  
INT - JABBA'S PALACE  
  
Angua has unwrapped the chain from Jabba's corpse in order to reach the edge of the Rancor pit. It's a long shot, but she happened to overhear Carrot's conversation down there...  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Detritus?  
  
The troll groans.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Detritus, it's Princess Angua. Come on, wake up!  
  
DETRITUS  
Nrf?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Please... I can't break this chain by myself... Wake up!  
  
RUBY  
You are needing some help?  
  
Angua looks up at the female troll speculatively, then shows her the chain. Ruby takes the chain and bites through it [diamond teeth, remember?] with hardly any effort. Angua looks at the severed ends of the chain in amazement.  
  
RUBY  
I am thinking that with Jabba dead we will not be paid?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Er, no. Look, uh, Ruby was it? I have a friend down in the pit... [suddenly inspired] He's kind of shy, but he's really sweet, and the whole reason he came here was to rescue you. His name is Detritus.  
  
RUBY  
Troll?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Of course.  
  
RUBY  
Hmm.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
And he's sort of trapped down there, so if you could help him out...  
  
Ruby ponders this for a few more moments, then bends down and rips the grating off its hinges.  
  
Angua blinks.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
That'll work.  
  
EXT - HOVERBARGE  
  
Carrot and Herrenna grapple on the deck of the barely-in-control barge. She appears to be in a frenzy of her own [Carrot has a few nail-gouges that he might consider kinky if he knew about that sort of stuff], trying to drive him over the railing of the barge and into the waiting jaws of the alligators.  
  
Ridcully, meanwhile, placidly mans the controls, adjusting their course at Chewbacca's directions and apparently knowing roughly where all the controls are by feel. Currently this course is taking them directly at the Palace.  
  
Casanunda pauses in firing to change out the cartridge in his rifle. He is clearly experienced in this [he has the spent cartridge out and the second one in his hand in a matter of seconds], but the brief lull in his return fire creates an opening, through which enemy fire is able to strike the barge. The vehicle lurches. Carrot and Herrenna, caught off-balance, go over the railing. Casanunda looks up in time to see them vanish from sight, and he hurries over to the railing.  
  
RIDCULLY  
The hell was that?! [Chewie tells him what the hell that was] Yes, I *know* it was an explosion! Apparently *some*body didn't think it was important to tell me that enemy fire was getting through!  
  
Casanunda looks over the side of the barge, half-expecting to see two human bodies getting munched on by the gators.  
  
Instead, he discovers Carrot, hanging, white-knuckled, from the guardrail for dear life, and Herrenna, clinging grimly to Carrot's boots. Not nearly far enough below them, the alligators see this potential meal, tantalisingly close.  
  
CASANUNDA  
Need some help down there?  
  
Carrot looks up at him. He has not been formally introduced to the wonderful world of irony yet, and the question puzzles him. He glances down at Herrenna, and his natural altruism in the face of obviously homicidal tendencies kicks in.  
  
CARROT  
[to Herrenna] Can you climb up?  
  
She looks at him like he just grew a third arm.  
  
CASANUNDA  
She tried to *kill* you, you bloody fool! Even *I* don't go to such lengths for a pretty face.  
  
HERRENNA  
[to Casanunda] Bugger off, shortarse.  
  
CASANUNDA  
Ooh, a spicy one! Too bad about the circumstances though. I might have enjoyed your illustrious company. It *is* true what they say about Amazons, right?  
  
She lets go with one hand, to reach into her boot for a knife, which she throws almost straight up at Casanunda. He dodges back, pumps his blaster, and aims it at the bounty hunter.  
  
A section of the hull explodes from within, very near Carrot and Herrenna. The blast knocks loose Herrenna [who was still holding on by one hand] and almost Carrot. The bounty hunter falls, shrieking, into the middle of the waiting aliigators. Carrot is losing his grip on the railing.  
  
CARROT  
I'm slipping!  
  
Casanunda stows the rifle and, lying prone on the deck, grabs onto Carrot's wrists and tries to pull him up. He happens to glance at their intended destination and finds that it is getting very close indeed. They're going to crash.  
  
CASANUNDA  
[sotto] Oh hell...  
  
Carrot looks as well, and his eyes widen in alarm.  
  
CARROT  
RIDCULLY! *UP!!!*  
  
AT THE HELM...  
Chewbacca reaches past Ridcully and pulls back on one of the controls. The hoverbarge rises, though not fast enough to quite clear the roof.  
  
The shock of the scraping impact with the leading edge of the Palace roof knocks Carrot loose of Casanunda's grasp, and he falls awkwardly, crashing into a patio umbrella at a forty-five degree angle and toppling the associated table and wrought-iron chairs. He picks himself up, shakes off his injuries for now, and staggers over to the relative familiarity of the droids.  
  
CARROT  
[to Threepio] Angua?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Inside. Er, Master Carrot--?  
  
Carrot is already gone, looking for the Princess. Threepio glances back at the crashing barge. Casanunda has already jumped off, and Chewie is about to make sure Ridcully follows.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Wait a minute! What are you--   
  
Chewbacca is in no mood to argue, and he pushes Ridcully off the barge before leaping off after him.  
  
INSIDE...  
Angua has wrapped a torn curtain around herself toga-style, and she, Ruby, and Detritus [who has been freed from the Rancor pit] are in the process of herding the panicking throng to safety. Music With Rocks In is, naturally, trying to stick close to Ruby. Jabba's corpse still lolls Jellolike in the background.  
  
CARROT  
Angua!  
  
She turns at the sound of Carrot's voice.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Over here!  
  
He hurries over to her.  
  
CARROT  
We have to get out everyone of here.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
We're trying!  
  
She indicates the entryway, which is clogged with struggling people. Carrot thinks quickly.  
  
CARROT  
Detritus. Get everyone's attention.  
  
Detritus salutes sharply, nearly giving himself a concussion, staggers slightly, then shakes his head to clear it. His bellow cuts through the panicky shouting.  
  
DETRITUS  
EV'RYBODY SHUT UP AN' LISTEN!!!!!  
[note: I know multiple explanation points are a sign of a diseased mind, but I think it applies here]  
  
There is abrupt silence. Troll lungs are a force to be reckoned with.  
  
CARROT  
Thank you.  
  
DETRITUS  
No problem.  
  
CARROT  
[To the crowd] Okay, nobody panic. Just proceed through the exit in an orderly fashion.  
[nobody moves]  
Please.  
  
Gradually, the crowd starts moving again, filtering out through the door.  
  
CARROT  
Oh, and one more thing... as soon as you get outside, run... because there's a barge on the roof that I think will explode very soon. Thank you.  
  
The crowd filters noticeably faster. There is a minor explosion from the roof that shakes the palace. Carrot glances around for Ridcully and the others, locates them, and guides them quickly to the door, followed by Music With Rocks In and its two associated trolls [Ruby and the drummer] and one budding groupie [Detritus]. Everybody is again running now, but calmly as per Carrot's instructions.  
  
Dunwiddie stands vapidly by the door like a flight attendant.  
  
DUNWIDDIE  
Bye now... bye now... buhbye... bye now... bye n--!  
  
Carrot grabs him as he passes and drags him out the door.  
  
OUTSIDE...  
We see the last stragglers and rescuees hauling ass away from the Palace. The barge is now in flames and looking like it may go up any moment.  
  
FROM A VANTAGE POINT  
on a hilltop some distance from the soon-to-be ex-Palace, Cpl 'Nobby' Nobbs watches the spectacle through a set of high-tech binocs, perfectly comfortable with watching the rescue as long as anything dangerous is happening way the hell over there. Ferdy the swamp dragon sits on his haunches next to him. Presently the barge finally explodes in a baby mushroom cloud. Nobby whistles appreciatively around his dogend.  
  
NOBBY  
Cor. Looks like somebody went to action hero school over the summer, eh, Ferdy?  
  
Ferdy chirps in agreement.  
  
NOBBY  
[into a walkie-talkie] Looks like they're ready t'be picked up, Cap'n.  
  
CAPTAIN VIMES,  
Sitting in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, thumbs the 'talk' switch on the ship's radio.  
  
VIMES  
Gotcha. What was that explosion?  
  
NOBBY  
[through radio] Oh, nothing, sir. A barge crashed into the palace and it just blew up.  
  
VIMES  
Oh. Okay. I'll be right over to pick you up.  
  
Vimes starts powering up the Falcon and then fully realises the significance of what the Corporal just said.  
  
EXT - MILLENNIUM FALCON  
hovers low over the blast site. Where the Palace had been is still in flames, and surrounded by a chrysanthemum of wreckage. The pattern is interrupted at three points by what appear to be large boulders unearthed by the explosion - until the half-buried trolls sit up, uncovering the Rebels sheltered underneath: Carrot, Angua, and the droids were protected by Detritus, most of Music With Rocks In was protected by Ruby, and Ridcully, Chewbacca, and Casanunda were protected by the drummer. Carrot tells the trolls something which we can't hear over the Falcon's engines, and then he follows his friends up into the ship as the trolls and the band lumber away. The boarding ramp closes and the Falcon flies off.  
  
As Our Heroes leave Genua behind, the burning wreckage of the Palace apparently ignites a subterranean pocket of methane and explodes once again, in an even larger, blue-tinged fireball.  
  
CARROT [v.o.]  
Dear Mum and Dad... Well! This has certainly been an exciting couple of months...  
  
*****  
  
End Part 3. 


	4. Ephebe

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
EST - EPHEBE  
Ephebe is a nation that prizes philosophy and pacifism, in sharp contrast to the hedonistic tendencies of Genua. We PAN ACROSS what appears to be a garden, observing such oddities as a runner preparing to race a tortoise, and Nobby sulking in a toga and tunic. As we do:  
  
CARROT [v.o.] [contd.]  
We are in Ephebe now, and it is very pretty here but mostly because of Angua. She is a lycanthrope, which Threepio told me is like a werewolf only nice. Her family is here also, and they are all lycanthropes as well.   
  
Finally we find Carrot, reclining upon a divan in a toga [no tunic, so he is mostly barechested, for all you Carrot fans out there] and the sort of sandals that lace halfway to the knee, looking very much like the illegitimate offspring of one of the greater pantheon. A writing pad is balanced on his drawn-up knee, and he is busily composing a letter.  
  
CARROT [v.o.] [contd.]  
Threepio also explained to me about what he called the birds and the bees, although it didn't have anything much to do with either birds or bees. It has to do with making babies. Most of it sounded rather messy, but Threepio told me I might want to do this with a girl someday. I told him that if I ever proposed doing such a thing to a girl she would probably slap me.  
  
VIMES [o.s.]  
Carrot! Princess! Come on! The meeting's about to start!  
  
Carrot looks up briefly, then finishes up his letter home.  
  
CARROT [v.o.]  
There is not much else to tell you. Vimes says that we will be going to Quirm soon, in which case I hope Nobby stops sulking that they made him put on a tunic under his toga because he has been very unpleasant about the whole thing. I hope to see you soon. Your loving son, Carrot Skywalker.  
  
He sets the writing pad aside on a low table sitting nearby. As he sits up, he looks over to an adjacent divan, occupied by a napping Princess Angua in a sort of sleeveless tunic [the sort that reaches to midcalf] belted at the wait with a fine golden cord, and sandals similar in style to Carrot's. Golden cording has been woven across her brow and through her ash-blond hair, and she wears a gold arm-bracelet above her elbow, all to show her royal status.  
  
CARROT  
Angua? We have to go.  
  
Angua opens her eyes and glances up at Carrot, regaining her bearings. She smiles and stretches.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
How long was I asleep?  
  
CARROT  
Maybe an hour. Did you have a nice nap?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
[yawns] It must be the air here. I haven't slept that soundly in a while now.  
  
CARROT  
[soberly] I don't think any of us have. Come on... the meeting's about to start.  
  
INT - CONFERENCE ROOM  
  
In fact, the meeting has already started by the time Carrot and Angua enter the open-air conference room. The Rebels are seated at a long conference table [except, of course, for the droids, who stand off to one side], with Vimes at the head, looking rather regal in his statesman's robes [you're welcome, Becky :-)], while Lady Sybil stands at his side, looking vaguely like Hera to Vimes' Zeus. Behind them is a large round mirror of some sort, suspended in a gilt frame.  
  
VIMES  
Ah, Carrot, Angua... So glad you could join us. We were just discussing the matter of the Quirmish Ivory Tower. [off Carrot's blank look] Quirm has long been sympathetic to the Rebellion, though they've stayed neutral up to now. They are also the centre of most technological advances on the Disc, including the modern computerised piloting systems--  
  
RIDCULLY  
Which I maintain are no substitute for learning to fly the damn thing!  
  
VIMES  
[glaring at Ridcully] --And of course modern robotics, which in *certain* cases would be a vast improvement over the original.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Hey!  
  
VIMES  
So naturally they would know best who designed the assassin droid sent after the royal family of Uberwald. In addition, there have been rumours of something big headed in from the Rim, which our beTrobi operatives say might be a dragon - one of the big sort--  
  
LADY SYBIL  
One of the Draco nobilis.  
  
VIMES  
--but right now there have been no reports to conclusively prove this.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
For one thing, the greater dragons are so *rare* nowadays--  
  
VIMES  
Dear...  
  
LADY SYBIL  
--and there would be no real reason for it to be migrating Hubward. Dragons, as a rule, tend to be so territorial--  
  
VIMES  
[getting annoyed] *Yes*, dear, and of course you're the foremost expert on dragons but we don't know for certain if this *is* a dragon!  
  
LADY SYBIL  
No need to get huffy about it, Sam. Remember your blood pressure.  
  
VIMES  
[grumbles] YesDear. [aloud] In any case, we must assume that the rumours might be true and prepare ourselves accordingly. In the meantime, yesterday morning I asked the lead scholar at the Ivory Tower to contact us as soon as he's figured out the origin of the assassin droid. [pause] His apprentice said he would get back to me by teatime today. That means he should be contacting us in [Vimes reaches into his robes for a pocket-watch and consults it] two min--  
  
The mirror crackles to life, revealing it to be a fancy viewscreen. Vimes and Sybil turn to face it as the connection opens, revealing the face of a man obviously younger than the Rebels expected. He is in his late twenties, mainly beardless though evidently not for lack of trying [he has managed Johnny Depp stubble in the form of a sparse goatee], and he wears round black-rimmed spectacles. He bears an alarming resemblance to Threepio - or should I say Threepio bears a striking resemblance to the young man. This is PONDER STIBBONS.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Who are you?!  
  
VIMES  
Sybil, dear, let me ask the questions... [to Stibbons] Who are you?! [off his wife's smirk] ... and how did you get this frequency?  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
Ponder Stibbons, sir. I believe you contacted me regarding the plans for an assassin droid that was sent to Uberwald?  
  
VIMES  
I sent that file to Leonard da Quirm, and I would rather not speak to his file clerk.  
  
Stibbons stiffens, clearly insulted.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
Monsignor da Quirm has been missing for over a year now.  
  
VIMES  
Then who's the lead scholar there?  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
I am!  
  
VIMES  
Oh. I expected someone--  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
Older?  
  
VIMES  
Actually, yes.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
It's an established fact that the human brain stops growing at thirty-five. [looks pointedly at Vimes] After which it starts shrinking. Now, do you want to know what we've discovered or not?  
  
VIMES  
[scowling at the implied insult in the trivia] Fine. Where's the bloody droid from?  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
The design was especially ingenious - quite distinctive, really. So distinctive, in fact, that we double-checked our findings eight times before we were satisfied.  
  
VIMES  
[after a beat] Well?  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
It was a Leonard.  
  
The Rebels react.  
  
VIMES  
A Leonard?! You mean--?  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
The assassin droid was designed and built by Leonard da Quirm, yes. It's impossible to replicate that sort of genious. [pause] If it's any consolation, I understand he tended to be a bit naive - High Intelligence, Low Wisdom, you know - so it's entirely possible he had no idea of its purpose.  
  
VIMES  
But didn't you say that Leonard was missing?  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
I believe I can offer an educated guess on his current location, based on this discovery.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
The Empire.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
Precisely. He's probably been captured - though I doubt he'd be aware of any danger.  
  
NOBBY  
[stage whisper to Colon] For a genius, he sounds like a bit of a bonehead t'me.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
[overhearing] He's always been a bit... focused. In any case, my recommendation is that a rescue team be assembled to get him out of harm's way before he invents again.  
  
VIMES  
I notice you're not volunteering.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
I'm a roboticist, not a superhero. Of course, I don't expect you'd be surprised at that bit of trivia - one of my earlier models was assigned as the royal butler in Uberwald. And if I'm not mistaken...  
  
Stibbons looks speculatively at Threepio, who shrinks slightly in preprogrammed deference to his creator.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Yessir, I am that droid. As you can see, circumstances have... changed since my assignment.  
  
VIMES  
Wait a minute... one of your *earlier* models?  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
I engineered the 3PO line seven years ago.  
  
VIMES  
When you were... ? [how old?]  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
Eighteen. As you might expect, my droids have advanced since then.  
  
VIMES  
[sotto] Great... we've got a bloody Doogie Howser on our hands. [a/n: Bonus points to anyone who gets that reference!]  
  
Suddenly Rincewind, who has elected not to exchange his familiar red robes for the Clorox bedsheet fashions of Ephebe [and who therefore sticks out like a sore thumb at the meeting], raises his hand.  
  
VIMES  
Yes, Wincerind?  
  
RINCEWIND  
That's Rincewind.  
  
VIMES  
Whatever. You had a question?  
  
RINCEWIND  
Er. Who's going to be in the rescue team?  
  
He looks like he's absolutely certain that he will be part of the team, whether he wants to be or not, and he's bracing for the news.  
  
VIMES  
Relax. I wouldn't send you to rescue someone if you were the last hero on the Disc.  
  
RINCEWIND  
[uncertain] Um, thank... you. Sir.  
  
VIMES  
[to Stibbons] As you can see, I appreciate Leonard's strategic value. You can rest assured I won't send rank amateurs to rescue him.  
  
RINCEWIND  
[now thinking he ought to feel at least affronted] Hey now...  
  
VIMES  
Carrot? How about you?  
  
CARROT  
I can't. I have things to do.  
  
VIMES  
[disbelieving at Carrot's apparent sudden apathy] "Things to do?"  
  
CARROT  
[dutifully] I made a promise to someone that I intend to keep. I'll catch up with you later.  
  
Vimes sighs.  
  
VIMES  
We could really use your help--  
  
CARROT  
I know. I'm sorry.  
  
VIMES  
Well. [to Stibbons] We'll send a team... not quite the best of the best, but...  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
The best of what's left?  
  
VIMES  
I'm sure you can sympathise.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
You should have seen who was running Unseen University by the time I relocated to Quirm.  
  
VIMES  
Right. I'll contact you as soon as we have Leonard safely away from the Empire.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
Righto.  
  
VIMES  
May the Force be with you.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
Live long and prosper. [makes the appropriate Vulcan hand gesture]  
  
Stibbons signs off. Vimes looks like he has a headache [but then, he tends to look like that more or less permanently]. After a few beats:  
  
VIMES  
Okay, everyone who's uncomfortable having a Star Trek geek running a major Discworld landmark in a Star Wars parody, please raise your hand.  
  
Vimes and most of the other Rebels raise their hands. Threepio is a notable but understandable exception.  
  
RINCEWIND  
[to the "director zone" off-camera] Where'd you get him, anyway?  
  
GEORGE LUCAS  
I found him at the premiere of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone."  
  
VIMES  
You mean you cast Daniel Radcliff?!?  
  
GEORGE LUCAS  
Of course not! I know better than to horn in on another fandom. [embarrassed beat] He just won the Harry Potter lookalike contest, is all.  
  
The Rebels groan.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 4. 


	5. Unexpected Help, a Minor Interruption, a...

Disclaimer: See Part 1  
  
*****  
  
VIMES  
Right then. Back to the matter at hand - who should we send to infiltrate the Star Destroyer and rescue Leonard?  
  
RIDCULLY  
Chewie and I have broken into Star Destroyers before.  
  
Chewbacca grunts in agreement.  
  
VIMES  
I appreciate your piloting experience, but I'd rather you take someone with you.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Really? I'm touched by your concern, Vimesy.  
  
VIMES  
No, you're touched in the head if you think I'm sending someone like you alone to do this. If Leonard is as important for the Empire to keep as he is for us to get him away, then he'll be under heavy guard. This mission will require stealth - and you, Ridcully, have all the stealth of a band of inebriated dwarves.  
  
Chewbacca hoots a correction.  
  
RINCEWIND  
[translating] Um, less than that.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Why you little--!  
  
Rincewind spills over backwards in his chair to avoid Ridcully, who has lunged at him. The pratfall turns into a somersault, and Rincewind, now a red blur, rolls to his feet in a defensive pose [thanks to his Jedi reflexes]. Chewbacca, meanwhile, has grabbed Ridcully's shoulders and forced him down again, scolding him.  
  
RIDCULLY  
No, you *won't* need to sit on me. I'm fine. Really. *Yes* I'm sure!  
  
Only then does Chewbacca sit down again. After a few beats, Rincewind sheepishly rights his chair again and sits down.  
  
VIMES  
If you two are done? Good. Now. We'll need at least one, probably two others who know a few thinks about stealthy extractions of a target under heavy guard.  
  
VOICE  
I might be able to help you with that.  
  
After a few moments of alarmed searching around by those assembled, one of the marble statues decorating the hall lowers an arm holding a pair of scales [the arm had been outstretched above its head], causing the thin layer of white plaster or paint to crack and flake off, revealing fair skin beneath. Apparently this man has remained frozen in that pose since the beginning of the scene. His shoulder must be killing him.  
  
VIMES  
Who the hell are you?!  
  
MAN  
I do apologise for the subterfuge. Professional habit, don't you know.  
[he continues brushing the plaster shell away. The statue he was masquerading as was naked to the waist, and therefore so is he]  
My name is Chidder. I was a cardcarrying Guildsman, back when the Ankh- Morpork Guilds meant anything.  
  
VIMES  
[instantly on his guard] What Guild?  
  
CHIDDER  
Oh, isn't it obvious? By the way, you really need to improve your security around here. I might have killed any of you and made it look like an attack of appendicitis.  
  
He shakes out his hair, which is a mass of golden ringlets. He looks like he might have been an angel in another lifetime, especially considering his current disguise.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
You're an Assassin?  
  
CHIDDER  
Was. I was an Assassin. I took the test, got the card, earned my dagger. But... [sighs] no Guild, no Assassins. Just psychopaths and murderers, really.  
[he looks around and notices everyone looking at him like he may detonate at any moment]  
[defensive] There's a difference!  
  
VIMES  
All right... who do you work for, then?  
  
CHIDDER  
Myself, mainly. Teppic and I became free agents after it hit the fan. Trust me - if we'd been hired by the Empire to kill you, you'd all be dead.  
  
TEPPIC [o.s.]  
As it is, I have half a mind to kill you myself, Chid.  
  
The meeting's collective attention swings over to another statue of what appears to be a goddess of love, depicted in a gown with a plunging neckline and the skirt slit up to the hip. From the crumbling plaster of the statue's face has surfaced an undeniably male face, who is obviously not happy about his disguise.  
  
CHIDDER  
Hey, we flipped for it, Teppic. Don't get your knickers in a bunch. Oh right... love goddesses don't wear underwear, do they?  
  
Nobby, whom one may assume has entertained unclean thoughts about the statue of the love goddess, has started choking at the very disturbing sight of Teppic's face atop the curvaceous body, even as Teppic breaks the pose in a shower of crumbling plaster. Teppic is almost as dark- complected as his colleague is fair, with the olive skin and black hair of Djelibeybi.  
  
TEPPIC  
And I expect you used a loaded coin.  
  
CHIDDER  
How do you think *I* feel? I've been holding this bloody scale up for about two hours now and my shoulder is *killing* me.  
  
TEPPIC  
You're worried about a tired shoulder?! I have *breasts,* for Set's sake!  
  
VIMES  
GENTLEMEN! [to Teppic] There are ladies present!  
  
RIDCULLY  
Actually, this is just getting good.  
  
VIMES  
You shut up. Now... Chidder, Teppic... if you're not working for the Empire, why in the Nine Hells were you spying on this meeting?!  
  
CHIDDER  
Well, when the Guilds broke up, all the hardarses and grand poobahs went with the Empire, right?  
  
VIMES  
[cautious] Yes...  
  
CHIDDER  
Well, the Assassins had their hardarses too. Like Mr. Teatime.  
  
There is an incertain pause.  
  
COLON  
Sounds like the host of a children's programme.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Or maybe an auto-brewing tea service - you know, sort of like "Mr. Coffee"?  
  
CHIDDER  
Trust me on this. He is not good with children, and he does not brew your tea for you. At least you wouldn't want him to. As Assassins come, he's absolutely...   
  
He pauses, searching for an inoffensive adjective of sufficient intensity to describe Mr. Teatime. As the others chime in, he gestures to indicate warmer or colder.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Dangerous?  
  
COLON  
Homicidal?  
  
RINCEWIND  
Really not nice?  
  
NOBBY  
Crazy?  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Batshit?  
  
CHIDDER / TEPPIC [unison]  
Yes!  
  
There is a thoughtful pause. Teppic continues chipping away at the plaster contours of his disguise, looking visibly relieved as the bosom falls away.  
  
VIMES  
So... we should just take your word for it that you two aren't like that.  
  
CHIDDER  
Oh, come on... do we look that untrustworthy to you?  
  
VIMES  
[promptly] Yes.  
  
CHIDDER  
Oh, now that hurts, you mot trusting us like that. I mean, my mate Teppic being a royal descendant and all--  
  
He pauses when he sees Vimes' brow darken.  
  
CHIDDER  
[recovering] --but he abdicated his throne, so that's all right, right?  
  
VIMES  
So... he *was* a king?  
  
CHIDDER  
But no longer. Just ask him.  
  
VIMES  
[to Teppic] Say you so?  
  
TEPPIC  
[glaring at Chidder and his big fat mouth] So say I. Not that it has any bearing on this, CHIDDER. Our business is with Mr. Teatime.  
  
VIMES  
[sighs] Well, at least get into some proper clothing and maybe we can discuss this further.  
  
CHIDDER  
[glancing pointedly at Angua] And maybe you could introduce us to some of the regulars, aye?  
  
He winks at her.  
  
Angua gives an annoyed sigh.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Do *all* the minor characters want to shag with me, or something?!  
  
There is an uneasy pause as most of the [primarily male] minor characters gathered at the table clear their throats and look absolutely everywhere but at Angua. Carrot tries to reassure her with a gentle squeeze of her hand.  
  
Vimes massages his forehead.  
  
EXT - LLAMEDOS - PREDAWN  
  
The Llamedos coast is marked by a sheer cliff-face that plunges directly into the ocean by way of clusters of pointy rocks of the sort that sirens would use to practice their latest songs. At the top of the cliff is a circle of stone monoliths, about twenty feet across, with an octogram etched into the granite flagstones that serve as the floor of this open-air temple.  
  
A line of cloistered druids carrying golden scythes files towards the stonehenge, their reedy chanting drifting up on the light breeze.  
  
DRUIDS  
[chanting solemnly] Is this the real life... is this just fantasy... caught in a landslide, no escape from re-al-i-teee... [continues]  
  
They reach the stone circle and form a semicircle around one side of it. A beat later, the impending dawn finishes barrelling across the ocean, builds up against the cliff, and overflows all over the circle and its assembled druids.  
  
The Head Druid turns to one of his acolytes.  
  
HEAD DRUID  
Twenty seconds off. Damned thing is losing time.  
  
ACOLYTE  
Well, this is an older monolith - you can't expect them to stay accurate forever. I'll send away for an upgrade.  
  
HEAD DRUID  
You do that. You know, in my grandfather's day they made monoliths that really passed the test of time. Not like these newer models.  
  
There is a sudden gust of wind that tugs at all the druids' robes and draws their attention finally beyond the monolith, just in time to see a reptilian tail snake away below the cliff edge.  
  
ACOLYTE  
What the hell was--?  
  
We hear the sound of leathery wings catching an updraft, carrying the associated Dragon above the cliff-edge, and by default above the druids. We can only discern a black silhouette, as the sunlight falls across its back, but then we see a fiery glow deep within its throat, silhouetting a mouthful of teeth as it opens its mouth.  
  
The lower-ranking druids instinctively freeze in terror, but the head druid steps forward to the centre of the monolith, raising his scythe at the impossibly hovering Dragon. He must scream to be heard.  
  
HEAD DRUID  
Back, foul demon! Get back to your hell!  
  
The Dragon tilts its head in curiosity.  
  
The Head Druids robes whip around him in the violent windstorm kicked up by the Dragon's wings, making him look rather impression, considering the relative scale.  
  
HEAD DRUID  
You shall not pass! I forbid it! I command you to leave this holy ground and return to the foul pit that spawned you! [raising his scythe] YOU... SHALL NOT... PASS!  
  
He slams the butt end of the scythe into the centre of the octogram, kicking up a small shockwave of divine power that, unfortunately, does nothing to the neutrally-aligned Dragon.  
  
The Dragon, meanwhile, seems to arrive at a decision. It belches a massive fireball at the lot of them.  
  
EXT - EPHEBE  
  
Carrot is in the middle of loading up his space vessel - an X-wing, this time - when he pauses and shivers, then dabs a sheen of sweat from his brow. His Jedi abilities have grown, and he senses the confrontation in Llamedos, though he can't quite link the sensation to the incident.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Carrot?  
  
He turns to regard the Princess, and offers her a wan "I'm okay, really I am" smile. She isn't quite fooled - thanks to a combination of women's intuition and werewolf instincts.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
So... back to Lancre?  
  
CARROT  
I have to finish my Jedi training. I promised Weatherwax I'd return.  
  
He reaches out and brushes her cheek tenderly with his fingertips.  
  
CARROT [contd.]  
I'll be back as soon as I can. I'll meet up with you in Quirm if it comes to that. There are just some things that need to be finished before this is over.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
[resigned] I know...  
  
There is a meaningful pause, then they embrace, holding each other close for a few moments. He strokes her golden hair lightly and kisses her lightly on the lips, then they separate and he climbs into the X-wing.  
  
An unhappy Artoo sits behind the cockpit, in the accustomed spot for astro-droids.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: I hate my life... I hate my life... I hate my life...]  
  
All the same, he powers up the X-wing as Carrot straps himself in. As the hatch closes, Carrot glances down at Angua, who offers him a small wave.  
  
He touches the visor of his flight helmet to her as the X-wing takes off.  
  
Angua watches the sleek vessel diminish into the distance, until a hand enters the frame and touches her on the shoulder. She turns to face the owner of the hand - her mother, Queen Serafine. Serafine looks sympathetic but vaguely disapproving.  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER  
  
Darth Vetinari sits at his desk, looking over a few documents as a Newton's Cradle clicks merrily away to one side. Despite all probability, the momentum of the silver marbles does not diminish in the slightest during this scene. The door chime rings. The tune is a chirpy, electronic version of the first nine notes of the Imperial March: bing bing bing bingley bing bingley bing. Vetinari briefly glares up at the Director Space before acknowledging the chime.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Come in.  
  
The door hisses open to admit an Imperial Officer, who approaches to a set distance from the desk and stands at attention, waiting for Vetinari to formally acknowledge him. Finally the Sith Lord looks up.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Report.  
  
OFFICER  
We've just received word from our operatives near Llamedos.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
And?  
  
OFFICER  
[reciting] Death... destruction... towns in flames... basically she went through the country like drunken troll, sir.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Hm. Casualties?  
  
OFFICER  
The Llamedos people had no warning. They never knew what hit them. The last report had her headed towards Omnia.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Excellent. I want further updates as soon as they're available.  
  
The officer squirms slightly.  
  
OFFICER  
That might be difficult, sir.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Difficult?  
  
The word seems to leave a foul taste in Vetinari's mouth.  
  
OFFICER  
The operative in question was killed shortly after sending his report.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
By whom?  
  
OFFICER  
By the dr-- By You Know Who.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Pity.  
  
OFFICER  
And it wasn't just him, either.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
No?  
  
OFFICER  
His stunt double was killed, too.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Well, two less people on payroll... [maliciously, to Director Space] Isn't that right?  
  
OFFICER  
Er, who are you talking to, sir?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Never you mind. I want you to get in contact with our other spies and report to me regularly. Is that understood?  
  
OFFICER  
[salutes] Sir.  
  
He turns sharply on his heel and exits the office.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
That was a perfectly good stunt double you killed off.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Oh. Well. I seem to recall somebody telling me that I was the villain and therefore I was supposed to be evil. Now, unless you wish to discuss this over a gentlemanly lightsaber duel, I suggest you keep your distance.  
  
He stands and attempts to loom at the director.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
You're just being pissy.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
I am not being pissy.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS  
Are too.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Am not.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS  
Are too infinity.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Am not infinity plus one.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS  
I *invented* Jedi powers.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Feh. You can't even *spell* midichlorians.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS  
[bristles] Lightsabers, one hour.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
You're on. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go be evil elsewhere.  
  
Darth Vetinari leaves his office with an imperious sweep of his cape.  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER - CORRIDOR  
  
As Vetinari exits into the hallway, he is accosted almost immediately by PRESTON and LOGAN.  
  
PRESTON / LOGAN  
Sith-dude! Sith-dude! Sith-dude!  
  
Vetinari whirls on them.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[echo] WHAT?! [/echo]  
  
Preston and Logan rock back on their heels. Preston recovers first.  
  
PRESTON  
Er, we've both been scoping out that Most Imperial Dude Lord Hong...  
  
LOGAN  
... and we totally acknowledge that you, like, should know everything that goes on around here...  
  
PRESTON  
... but we think Lord Hong might be evil.  
  
LOGAN  
*Totally* evil.  
  
PRESTON  
*Heinously* evil.  
  
Vetinari gives them both a long, withering look.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Preston, Logan, this is a very insightful observation from both of you. [pause] As such, it is worthy of no less than a well thought out, educated response. And of course I will word my rebuttal in terms that I am certain you will understand. [he pauses, as though in serious consideration of this problem. Finally:] Duh.  
  
He walks away.  
  
Preston and Logan exchange a slightly haunted "we're totally hosed" look.  
  
PRESTON  
We have to find our phone booth and get out of here.  
  
LOGAN   
A most excellent suggestion, Bill.  
  
They hurry away in the opposite direction to Vetinari's own egress.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 5. 


	6. Knowledge

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
Author's Note: Happy New Year's everyone! Sorry this has taken so long, but my inspiration faeries have decided to be a bit capricious lately. I'll try to pick up the pace a bit in future chapters.  
  
*****  
  
EXT - EPHEBE - HANGING GARDEN  
  
The Uberwald royal family [to recap: Queen Serafine, King Guye, and Princess Angua, with Threepio tagging along for the look of the thing] are walking in the beautiful Ephebean Hanging Garden but not really enjoying as much as they might had they not come there for a private family discussion.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this.  
  
QUEEN SERAFINE  
I just don't want you to get hurt.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Hurt?! Telling me I can't see him isn't exactly painless! I love him, and I know he loves me.  
  
KING GUYE  
We're royalty, Angua... love doesn't have anything to do with marriage for us.  
  
QUEEN SERAFINE  
I mean, if he were just human, that would be one thing - that's easily fixed, you know. But he's a commoner. Princesses only marry commoners in fairy tales and bad movies.  
  
Angua sets her jaw.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
You're worried that he won't measure up? Well he is a *lot* more noble than most of the highbrows we've seen since the rising of the Empire. He's gentle, dutiful, honourable...  
  
QUEEN SERAFINE  
But is he rich?  
  
KING GUYE  
[diplomatic translation] We need to know if such a marriage would be advantageous for both families.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
His father owns one of the bigger mines in the Ramtops.  
  
The Royal Parents grimace at the mention of Carrot's adopted father.  
  
KING GUYE  
He also says his father is a dwarf. Definitely not our people.  
  
Angua makes an exasperated noise.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
You two are IMPOSSIBLE! He rescues all of us from the assassin droid, and you still don't think he's good enough for me! Well guess what - screw *you*, and screw *you*!  
  
She storms away, leaving her parents in a cloud of pollen and indignance.  
  
After a diplomatic pause:  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
If it helps, I can sympathise.  
  
KING GUYE  
It doesn't.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
[backing off] Okay then...  
  
INT - CONFERENCE ROOM - EPHEBE  
  
The conference room is now mostly empty, save for Vimes, Teppic and Chidder [who have been given clothing], Ridcully, and Chewbacca.  
  
VIMES  
You do realise that you still haven't given me a compelling reason why I should let a pair of assassins help the Rebellion.  
  
CHIDDER  
Well, as I said before, if we were Imperial, you would all be dead right now.  
  
RIDCULLY  
I doubt that. You're young enough to be my grandson.  
  
CHIDDER  
Besides which, we already know too much for you to just let us go. You see, we know about the dragon. You know about the dragon. We know you know about the dragon, and now you know we know about the dragon - but the Empire doesn't know any of us know about the dragon, which is what Vetinari is counting on - us not knowing. But since he doesn't know that we know, I happen to know that if we act on that knowledge he'll be caught unknowing.  
  
There is a brief pause.  
  
RIDCULLY  
You catch all that, Vimes?  
  
VIMES  
[slightly perplexed] I think so.  
  
TEPPIC  
I believe what my verbose friend is suggesting is a preemptive, two-pronged attack.  
  
Ridcully and Vimes share a moment of clarity: Ah yes...  
  
VIMES  
So what else do you 'know' about this dragon?  
  
CHIDDER  
What are we, omniscient?  
  
VIMES  
You seem to know a hell of a lot.  
  
CHIDDER  
Well, beyond the facts already outlined--  
  
RIDCULLY  
In that very pristine tangle, thank you.  
  
CHIDDER  
[glaring at Ridcully] --we have only ideas and theories. One of our theories is that if we do what needs doing on the Star Destroyer and in Quirm at the same time, Vetinari will only get some of us, and we cut our losses.  
  
VIMES  
These are human lives we're talking about. I am not willing to gamble on the possibility that he will only get "some of us".  
  
CHIDDER  
[placating] Hey, we're all heroes here, right? Chances are, a few nameless extras will die heroically in the line of duty, and everyone with individual credits will get away with a few bumps and bruises.  
  
Vimes is clearly unimpressed.  
  
TEPPIC  
Chidder, perhaps you should shut up now.  
  
CHIDDER  
Fine. If you think you can get though to this pachycephalic peon, be my guest.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Pachy... what?  
  
TEPPIC  
I believe that's an Ephebean term for someone who has a thick head.  
  
RIDCULLY  
[glancing wryly at Vimes] I don't think I need to say anything to that.  
  
Vimes gives Ridcully a look that indicates he would strangle the older man if he wanted to waste the energy.  
  
TEPPIC  
I have a slightly more concise plan in mind, Captain.  
  
VIMES  
Speak.  
  
TEPPIC  
Two teams - one to go to the Star Destroyer after Monsignor da Quirm and one to go to Quirm to consult with Master Stibbons. In fact, I would suggest sending the bulk of your forces to Quirm, because once the Empire discovers that the Ivory Tower is once again occupied - much less that Quirm is a covert Rebel sympthiser - they will send everyone and their dog to capture Quirm - or, failing that, to destroy it. And that would be bad, am I correct?  
  
RIDCULLY  
[aside to Vimes] Didn't you send all the Rebel civilians to Quirm?  
  
VIMES  
[aside to Ridcully] I remember what I did an episode ago!  
  
RIDCULLY  
[aside to Vimes] Just checking.  
  
VIMES  
[aside to Ridcully] The question is, has the Empire found that out yet?  
  
RIDCULLY  
[aside to Vimes] If worst comes to worst, does it matter?  
  
VIMES  
[aside to Ridcully] No... I suppose not.  
  
TEPPIC  
Have you finished with your private conference, or shall I send out for coffee and donuts?  
  
VIMES  
[to Teppic] There are... certain factors which would make it incredibly bad if the Empire attacked Quirm.  
  
TEPPIC  
I figured as much. So you need to get there and prepare before the Empire gets wind of things.  
  
VIMES  
And what will you be doing this whole time?  
  
TEPPIC  
I propose to have someone get me to the Star Destroyer in question via starship. From there I will free Leonard da Quirm and, with him in tow, meet up with my ride again with a minimum of muss and fuss.  
  
VIMES  
You're proposing to penetrate the inner sanctum of a Star Destroyer *alone*? The last time it took four people - five if you include Chewbacca.  
  
Chewie salutes.  
  
Teppic shrugs.  
  
TEPPIC  
What can I say? I am a Rebellion of One  
  
CHIDDER  
[sotto] Got that straight, Mr. Abdication...  
  
TEPPIC  
[ignoring him] I just need an experienced pilot to get me there.  
  
All eyes fall on Ridcully, who hedges for several moments.  
  
VIMES  
We'll pay you.  
  
RIDCULLY  
I still haven't paid for the *last* three rescue missions! And I expect a bonus for getting frozen in carbonite!  
  
Vimes gives Ridcully a "we've been through this a hundred times" sort of look.  
  
VIMES  
[sarcastic] I expect you'll also want a medal of honour for deliberately not being an arsehole?  
  
RIDCULLY  
[ditto] That would help.  
  
VIMES  
I'll attend to it... momentarily.  
  
RIDCULLY  
[missing the subtext] Fine. Teppic, you've got yourself a pilot.  
  
Chewie hoots pointedly.  
  
RIDCULLY  
[correcting himself] Pilots. You've got yourself two pilots. Let's get on it.  
  
VIMES  
Before we adjourn, I would like to hear how Chidder proposes we get our forces to Quirm undetected. If we send all our ships there at once, they're bound to notice.  
  
CHIDDER  
[smug] That, mon capitan, will not be a problem. I have my own transportation.  
  
VIMES  
And what might that be?  
  
EXT - EPHEBEAN HARBOUR  
  
Chidder and Vimes look down into the harbour at a large angular shape, painted stealth-bomber black, lurking in the water like a futuristic crocodile.  
  
CHIDDER  
This is _Il Nomine_, my stealth ship.  
  
VIMES  
I didn't notice any ships in the harbour this morning.  
  
CHIDDER  
That's rather the point. Anyway, she's fully crewed, and it can hold an ungodly amount of passengers if they don't mind traveling standing room only in the cargo hold - though I do have a few suites for the crew and any high-ranking officers. She can skim over the water with barely a ripple, or travel submerged, or even hover above the water. And she's invisible to radar and most other detection systems.  
  
VIMES  
And this will get us to Quirm quickly without getting blown up?  
  
CHIDDER  
She hasn't failed me yet.  
  
Vimes sighs.  
  
VIMES  
It'll have to do.   
  
Chidder looks a bit put off by Vimes' verdict that the Nomine will "have to do", but he says nothing... for the moment.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 6. 


	7. Can of Whupass

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
Author's note: Okay, I'm really sorry I haven't updated this in a while - but the appropriately assigned inspiration faeries got on a drunken bender shortly after I finished "Such a Simple Case" and it took a while to reassign some people to this story. I'll try to stay on the ball a bit more in the future [in between "The Detective and the Diplomat"] so don't bite!  
  
*****  
  
EXT - LANCRE - GRANNY WEATHERWAX'S COTTAGE  
  
We regard the cottage for several beats, listening to the soothing noises of the swamp: the crickets chirping, the birds calling, the occasional bubble of methane percolating up through the soggy soil... and the impending interdimensional quantum event.  
  
Space and time briefly tear open with a sound like a god breaking wind, dumping its contents onto Granny's back lawn near the outhouse: a phone booth. Its arrival blows the back door shut with a frame-rattling clang. It is of the Bill and Ted sort, gleaming silver and red with TELEPHONE proudly announced above the folding door, which presently unfolds to reveal someone who is neither Bill nor Ted [well, obviously not]. This newcomer's main feature is the fifteen-foot-long scarf he has coiled three or four times around his neck but whose ends still nearly trail on the ground as he approaches the cottage to ask directions. Other than his neckwear, he appears to be the most frighteningly average [though a bit quirky] Englishman in the whole movie, with a mop of curly hair, vaguely equine teeth, and a tweed frockcoat.  
  
He reaches the back door and knocks tentatively. A crow flies up to the cottage, pauses to note the closed back door and the man standing in front of it, and perches on the eaves of the cottage. It croaks at him as he waits for an answer that doesn't come. After a few moments, he opens the door and enters the cottage, nearly slamming the door in the face of the following crow, who squawks in indignation.  
  
GUY WITH SCARF  
Hello? I say, hellooo? [no answer] Hm.  
  
The crow banks past him and into the next room. He watches it curiously and follows to find...  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX,  
lying cold and stiff on the bed, looking remarkably deceased except for the awkwardly lettered sign clenched in her rigid fingers: I ATEN'T DEAD. Literacy is not very high on her list of priorities.  
  
The crow settles on the bedpost near Granny and cocks its head meaningfully at the traveller. Then it shakes itself, and the colour starts to return to Granny's face. Her eyelids flutter open, and she immediately registers the presence of her guest, who has watched this whole operation with great curiosity.  
  
GUY WITH SCARF  
I do beg your pardon for intruding - I feared you were dead.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
Grawk... That's why the sign. Could you get me - AWK - a glass of water or something? My mouth tastes like a dead animal.  
  
GUY WITH SCARF  
[confused] Oh, yes, of course.  
  
As he goes to do so:  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
And while you're in there, there's a bacon rind in the larder. Get that too.  
  
He returns with a glass of water and the bacon rind on a plate. She sets the rind on the bedtable, and the crow hops off the bedpost and chows down as she gulps down the glass of water. When she finishes:  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
Ah. Much better. That's the trouble with Borrowing crows. Anyway--  
[she turns her keen gaze on the traveler, and he stiffens under the Force of her will]  
--What the hell are you doing in my cottage in the first place?  
  
GUY WITH SCARF  
I was... wondering if you'd seen... two young men... with a blue public police call box?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
With a what?  
  
GUY WITH SCARF  
I believe there was a minor mix-up about four worlds ago - we accidentally switched phone booths, you might say. And considering how much more advanced mine is than theirs, you can imagine the trouble I had in tracking them here.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
[relenting a bit] Well, unless I miss my guess, they'll probably be in the enemy stronghold.  
  
GUY WITH SCARF  
Are you sure?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
I've been around long enough to learn a thing or two about narrative causality and plot devices. The likelihood of a device being in the hands of the bad guys is directly proportionate to how dangerous that exact situation would be.  
  
GUY WITH SCARF  
Ah, yes. You have a point there. Well, I'll be on my way, then. Tempus fuget, you know.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
Not for the likes of you, I'd wager. I'd say you had all the time in the world... but only if you leave now.  
  
GUY WITH SCARF  
Ah... right. Good day, then.  
  
He hustles back out to the phone booth, and a few moments later it vanishes, apparently into the ground.  
  
Precisely three seconds after that, we hear the sound of a ship approaching. Granny peers out the window, nods to herself, and prepares to receive her young student once again.  
  
INT - IVORY TOWER - QUIRM  
  
We are in a darkened room, up to the moment Ponder enters and switches on the fluorescent lights to reveal a computer room - hardly what one would expect in a quaint city such as Quirm, but there you have it.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
Good morning, Persephone.  
  
PERSEPHONE [voice]  
Good morning, Ponder.  
  
"Persephone" sounds like every feminine computer voice you have ever heard: young and polite, with [in this case] vague overtones of romantic availability. She might be able to get a job narrating an advertisement for a sports car.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
How are you feeling today?  
  
PERSEPHONE [voice]  
Positively yummy. I don't think you've ever done that with a can of compressed air before.  
  
Ponder looks uneasily at the origin of Persephone's voice, a bit weirded out at the idea that he may have accidentally made her fully functional, as it were.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
[embarrassed] We'll just keep that between us, shall we?  
  
PERSEPHONE [voice]  
Of course, Ponder. How may I be of assistance today?  
  
He looks at a screen displaying a map displaying a fair portion of the immediate geographical area, plus an big, ominous looking blip trailed by a series of red X's.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
[indicating the blip] Any theories on what that is?  
  
PERSEPHONE [voice]  
You may recall the matter of the dragon attack on Ankh-Morpork several years ago? The dragon in question subsequently retired to somewhere near the Rim with a swamp dragon named Errol.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
Okay...?  
  
PERSEPHONE [voice]  
I believe it may be that dragon.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
[trying for a valid reason why not] Well - the chances of that are... astronomical! Such a creature can only exist nowadays in a high-magic environment - that's why it went to the Rim - right?  
  
PERSEPHONE [voice]  
My conclusion is based on the data I have collected. If you don't like it...  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
No... no... it's a perfectly valid conclusion. [beat] Any ideas where it's headed?  
  
He can see perfectly clearly where it appears to be headed, but is hoping Persephone will dispute the blindingly obvious.  
  
PERSEPHONE [voice]  
It appears to be headed for Quirm.  
  
There is a long, dramatic pause.  
  
PERSEPHONE [voice]  
If it helps, so are our reinforcements. I picked up the photon signature of a stealth vessel midway between Ephebe and Quirm, headed for the Quirmish shore. I expect they will be here in two days, accounting for foot travel through the forest.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
That'll take too long. Have Skazz and Tezz meet them with Puzuma bikes.  
  
PERSEPHONE [voice]  
It would be impractical and unwise to provide Puzuma bikes for the entire Rebellion.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
[sighs] You're right. Send ahead a half-dozen bikes - that should take care of the principal characters, at least.  
  
We hear the sound of Persephone processing the commands.  
  
PERSEPHONE [voice]  
One is happy to serve.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
Thanks. Any word on how the rescue is going?  
  
EXT - STAR DESTROYER  
  
PERSEPHONE [v.o.]  
As well as can be expected. Try to be patient.  
  
A second glance at the orbiting fortress reveals the much smaller Millennium Falcon clinging to it like a tick.  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER  
  
We see Vetinari sitting behind his desk. The door chimes, still set to the Imperial March.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[not looking up] What is it?  
  
The door slides open, revealing George Lucas, dressed in Jedi Casual - flannel shirt, jeans, sneakers, and Jedi robe. His inactive lightsaber hangs from his belt. Sensing a disturbance, Vetinari looks up.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Oh, it's you.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS  
It's time.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
We agreed on an hour. It's only been twelve minutes.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS  
Twelve minutes *movie* time. It's been a good hour studio time.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[standing up] Oh, bloody hell... Listen, this really isn't a good time. I have four appointments with nobles this afternoon, five new mimes to address, and three plotlines about to intersect very shortly.  
  
Lucas looks so unimpressed at Vetinari's busy schedule that there is actually a thunderclap and a flash of what might be lightning behind the director.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
You're really going to push this, aren't you?  
  
GEORGE LUCAS  
If it's any consolation, you have only yourself to blame.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Oh, shut up. Give me a moment, all right? [rubs his forehead, then thumbs a speaker button on his desk] Teatime.  
  
MR. TEATIME [through speaker]  
Yessir?  
  
Mr. Teatime sounds like a common relative of both Hannibal Lector and Ned Flanders: dangerous and enthusiastic about it.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Go make sure nothing heroic happens to Leonard while I deal with God here.  
  
MR. TEATIME [thru speaker]  
Righto. [he might as well have said "okely-dokely"]  
  
Vetinari releases the speaker button.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS  
Shall we?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Bring it on.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 7. 


	8. Past, Present, and Future

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
Author's note: Okay, I admit that Chapter Seven probably sucked, but now that I've broken through my writer's block it should get better from here on out. Enjoy!  
  
*****  
  
LANCRE - INT. GRANNY WEATHERWAX'S COTTAGE  
  
Carrot sits at Granny's table, eating a bowl of "really, that's okay, I'd rather not know what's in it" soup as Granny ladles out a bowlful for herself.  
  
CARROT  
It's good to see you again, Granny... I'd been thinking a lot about what you said about the Force and how everything is linked, and I think it's all pretty cool.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
Hm.  
  
She sits down across from him with her own bowl of soup.  
  
CARROT  
So I've come back to finish my training, so I can become a real Jedi.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
I understand you challenged Vetinari.  
  
CARROT  
Well, yeah... he had my friends... and he tried to kill Angua.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
You *do* know about Angua and her family, right?  
  
CARROT  
Oh yes, of course. Threepio told me all about it.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
[uncertain how much he assimilated] Right.  
  
There is a conversational pause. In the distance [about three soundstages away, to be precise], we hear lightsabers crashing together, so quietly that one might suspect they were a figment of one's imagination..  
  
CARROT  
I was wondering... do you know how my parents died?  
  
She looks up from her soup, watching him, while at the same time trying to decide if he needs to hear all of it. Finally she reaches a decision.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
Yes. I saw how they died. [pause; more lightsaber noises in the background] Maybe I should start at the beginning, as far as I know the story.  
  
The lightsaber noises are getting a bit closer.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [contd]  
The man you know as Darth Vetinari was brought to me when he was a child named Havelock, to be taught the ways of the Jedi. He had a pedigree as long as your arm, with roots in most of the major families of the Sto Plains. [pause] He had promise, but he was a bit of a prick, even then.  
  
She pauses in annoyance as the lightsaber noises become distinctly audible. Carrot is listening politely to her monologue.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
Sorry, disturbance on the soundstage. Where was I?  
  
CARROT  
He was a prick...?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
Ah yes... He was ambitious, but subtle as a snake. He learned what he thought was enough of the ways of the Jedi - by which I mean all the flashy mind tricks but none of the philosophy - and then ran off. I didn't see him again for ten years - and by then he'd been snatched up by Lord Hong.  
  
The sounds of fighting are steadily getting closer, and both Granny and Carrot must raise their voices to be heard above them.  
  
CARROT  
Who's Lord Hong?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
He was the head of the Jedi order that became the Sith - the Dark Jedi. [pause] I expect he doesn't look all that great now - being so wholeheartedly evil tends to do unpleasant things to your complec--  
  
A metal folding chair with a lightsaber gash in the backrest pinwheels through the air towards Granny, who leaps to her feet and uses her Jedi powers to steer it in a sharp curve away from her and out the cottage window.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
[echo] DO YOU MIND?! I'M TRYING TO DELIVER A DRAMATIC EXPOSITION TO THE KID AND YOU TWO ARE BEHAVING LIKE CHILDREN! [/echo]  
  
DARTH VETINARI/ GEORGE LUCAS [o.s., unison]  
Sorry.  
  
She sits back down across from the slightly stunned Carrot.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
Sorry about that. Clash of the egoes. Anyway...  
  
CARROT  
Lord Hong and Vetinari.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
Right. I think it was the Sith who taught Havelock how to kill, and the Sith who were chasing your parents. He was there, too. I'd be surprised if he was much older than you are now when the Sith sent him.  
  
CARROT  
Sent him to do what?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
To inhume them.  
  
Carrot looks blankly at her for a few moments before he deciphers what "inhume" means.  
  
CARROT  
You mean...?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
Horrible way for someone that age to prove himself, you ask me. If it was just me and him, I'd've turned him over my knee, eighteen or not, but noooooo, he had to bring all his friends.  
  
DARTH VETINARI [o.s.]  
You make solidarity sound like a bad thing.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
Shut up, you. You're not even in this scene.  
  
Vetinari lets out a surprised oath, and there is the sound of lightsabers crashing together.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
Thank you.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
No problem.  
  
The fight progresses away from the cottage.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
As far as I can tell, you're damn close to Jedihood the way you are - but there's one more thing you have to do to become a full Jedi. Vetinari is part of your past, your present, and possibly your future. You must face him, break the tyranny of the Sith, and restore order to the Disc.  
  
CARROT  
[uncertain] That's kind of a lot for one person to do. I mean, I'm no wizard. I'm just... Carrot.  
  
Granny smiles sympathetically.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
It's your destiny, lad.  
  
CARROT  
Well... what about Rincewind? He's a Jedi too, isn't he? He studied under you, he said.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
Ah yes. Him. Well, as long as I'm offering backstory for the sake of plot continuity... [off Carrot's blank look] Don't worry about it. It'd take too long to explain. Anyway... Rincewind.  
  
COMMENCE FLASHBACK AS SHE NARRATES.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX   
Shortly before your parents died, the Sith started taking over the whole Jedi order, building an army, like. Some of the monasteries scattered hid their students, scattering their orders so the Sith wouldn't get hold of the budding Jedi. The students were sent to private tutors like me, and I got Rincewind. He was around twenty at the time, and he really showed some promise - until he saw what happened to those who defied the Sith.  
  
CARROT  
He saw my parents get killed?!  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
They nearly got him too. Would have, if I hadn't come up out of the cellar where I'd hidden you and driven them off. He was never quite the same after that. Jumped at shadows, that sort of thing. He still had his Jedi powers and everything, acourse, but his control got erratic.  
  
CARROT  
Oh. Well, he's gotten better at it, lately.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
I know... In fact, I've foreseen that both of you will be great heroes before this episode is over  
  
NOBBY [o.s.]  
Hey Carrot! If she predicts that you'll be surrounded by nubile young women, stay out of Klatch!  
  
Granny seethes, then surges to her feet.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
That's it! Everybody clear the set until that damned saber fight is over!  
  
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR  
Let's just break for lunch, okay?  
  
*****  
  
End Part 8 


	9. Honour Among Assassins

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER - DUNGEON CORRIDOR  
  
It is eerily silent in the corridor currently occupied by Ridcully [with a rifle] and Chewbacca [with a crossbow], with Teppic presumably somewhere in the gloom.  
  
RIDCULLY  
I really hope you know what you're doing.  
  
Teppic suddenly materialises from a shadow very close to Ridcully.  
  
TEPPIC  
I was about to ask you the same thing.  
  
Ridcully nearly jumps out of his skin, or shoots Teppic, or both. He settles for grabbing the Assassin's shoulder.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Don't. Do that.  
  
Teppic coolly disengages himself.  
  
TEPPIC  
At least try to be stealthy. You don't know who's still here.  
  
RIDCULLY  
You and I both heard them announce the lunch break, so there shouldn't be anyone here - especially the guards.  
  
TEPPIC  
Yes... The Imperial guards all tend to lunch at the Arby's down the street.  
  
RIDCULLY  
So there's no problem.  
  
TEPPIC  
There's still Teatime.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Look, you said yourself that Teatime was always out to lunch--  
  
TEPPIC  
Crazy isn't the same thing as stupid. In many ways crazy is worse.  
  
Chewie grins and nudges Ridcully with one hairy elbow, obviously implying personal experience in the difference between crazy and stupid. Ridcully glares at him.  
  
TEPPIC  
If you must make yourself useful, then cover my back while I look for Leonard.  
  
With that, he vanishes into the shadows again. Ridcully shrugs and heads in pretty much the same direction they had been travelling.  
  
INT - LEONARD'S CELL  
  
Leonard da Quirm, still the benevolent genius we knew in Episode 4, doodles purposefully by the light of a burned-down candle. Presently he reaches over, grabs a fresh candle without looking, lights it from the stump, and blows out the old candle, prying the misshaped ingot of wax off the footstool and mushing it carefully onto the top of a stack of similar ingots. The stack is canting slightly but noticeably to one side, vaguely resembling the Tower of Pisa. He studies the crooked structure thoughtfully, not even noticing when the slot in the door is slid open.  
  
TEPPIC  
[whispering] Leonard da Quirm?  
  
Leonard absently looks up.  
  
LEONARD  
Yes?  
  
Teppic sighs in relief.  
  
TEPPIC  
Do not be alarmed. I have come to rescue you.  
  
Leonard seems genuinely confused by the idea that he needs rescuing.  
  
LEONARD  
Rescue me? From whom?  
  
TEPPIC  
[speaking slowly and carefully] You have been taken prisoner by the Empire. Your inventions are being used for evil.  
  
LEONARD  
Oh, that can't be right... they've been very good to me here. Look at this lovely study they've given me. I've gotten so much work done.  
  
Teppic realises that it is very difficult to rescue someone who doesn't think they need rescuing.  
  
TEPPIC  
Monsignor da Quirm--  
  
MR. TEATIME [o.s.]  
Hey arsehole.  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER - DUNGEON CORRIDOR  
  
Teppic turns and finds himself looking at the business end of a stiletto dagger clutched in a thin, pale hand. Attached to the hand is a black-clad arm, leading up to the grinning face of Mr. Teatime. His smile is the smile of a man who really really enjoys his work - which is an alarming trait for an Assassin to possess. He only has one eye [pale blue, with a pinhole of a pupil]; the other one has been replaced by a milky white glass eye which appears to glow faintly in the gloom. He looks like a gothic Mad Hatter [complete with black silk top hat], but much, much worse. His smile, impossibly, increases a few notches with malevolent glee.  
  
MR. TEATIME  
I see by the amusingly vapid expression on your face that my reputation far precedes me.  
  
TEPPIC  
Mr. Teatime. Who hasn't heard of you?  
  
Teatime's Mad Hatter smile slips a notch. His glass eye flares briefly.  
  
MR. TEATIME  
Apparently not enough people to know that it's "Teh-ah-tih-meh", not "Teatime".  
  
TEPPIC  
I should have expected that you'd be guarding Leonard. He's only the Empire's most valuable commodity.  
  
MR. TEATIME  
Yesss... and I'm not about to fail an assignment... even if it's no more than a babysitting job. I'm surprised at you, Teppic, not anticipating me. As you said, Leonard is a very valuable commodity.  
  
Teppic smiles thinly.  
  
TEPPIC  
I said I should have expected you. I never said I didn't.  
  
Teatime looks like he's caught Teppic in a bluff.  
  
MR. TEATIME  
Now, Teppic... I'm not as stupid as all that. If you were expecting to find me, then what possessed you to come alone? Assassins are not known for their suicidal tendencies.  
  
TEPPIC  
Of course they aren't.  
  
Beat.  
  
MR. TEATIME  
Then I expect you'll be expecting to get your affairs in order before I kill you.  
  
Teppic shrugs. Teatime is starting to get pissed off.  
  
MR. TEATIME  
Dammit, I'm trying to engage you in battle banter! The least you could do is say something back!  
  
TEPPIC  
Battle banter isn't really my style. You could try asking him though.  
  
Teppic points. Teatime looks at him suspiciously, then half-turns.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Hey arsehole.  
  
This is all Teatime manages to perceive of Ridcully before the older man decks him. Teatime hits the wall and falls to the floor. Ridcully steps calmly over him.  
  
RIDCULLY  
So, that was Teatime, huh?  
  
Teppic is looking as though Ridcully's solution rather ruined the dramatic tension of the encounter.  
  
TEPPIC  
[sullen] Thanks.  
  
Ridcully looks at him askance.  
  
RIDCULLY  
What? You expect a man of my age to go brawling with an Assassin?  
  
Behind him, Teatime is regaining his feet, if a bit unsteadily..  
  
RIDCULLY [contd]  
After all, I'm slowing down in my old age - and you can't expect my reflexes to be what they used to.  
  
Teatime shakes his head to clear it, then turns menacingly towards Ridcully. His smile is gone, and somehow that's even more frightening than its presence. Teppic has noticed him, and he's trying to call Ridcully's attention to the danger.  
  
RIDCULLY [contd]  
I mean, I know where you're coming from... you're still young and agile, and you think you're Superman. Is that why you went ahead alone, lad? To prove yourself?  
  
Teatime has drawn a dagger [maybe even the same one he used to menace Teppic earlier] and is now raising it to stab Ridcully in the back. Teatime makes a gutteral noise in his throat, a restrained growl of impending homicide, which continues for perhaps two seconds before Ridcully, forewarned by the sound, spins abruptly and pops him in the mouth again, knocking him back off his feet. Teatime is not knocked out, but it's hard to get up when a 300-pound orangutan like Chewbacca jumps on your chest.  
  
We hear Teatime's groan as the ape impacts, and sounds of continuing mayhem between man and primate from somewhere beyond Ridcully as he turns back to Teppic, still in lecture mode.  
  
RIDCULLY  
But of course all your youthful advantages mean exactly shit if you don't have the experience. Now... any questions?  
  
Teppic offers Ridcully a black look.  
  
TEPPIC  
Just one - are we going to get Leonard out of that cell before or after your ape finishes with Teatime?  
  
RIDCULLY  
[as though addressing a child] Before, of course. Haven't you heard of the art of distraction?  
  
Behind Ridcully, Teatime struggles to his feet and is about to grab Ridcully when a pair of leathery hands grabs the Assassin by the shoulders from behind and drags him down again. Further sounds of mayhem.  
  
Teppic nods curtly and sets to picking the lock.  
  
TEPPIC  
[exasperated sigh] You know, you really have a way of making a minor character feel useless.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Oh, balderdash. Having you tag along has greatly increased our chances of a successful rescue.  
  
TEPPIC  
How do you figure?  
  
RIDCULLY  
I never quite got the knack of picking locks.  
  
Teppic looks up at Ridcully from his crouch in front of the lock. His expression clearly says, "Gee, thanks."  
  
*****  
  
End Part 9. 


	10. Embracing the Inevitable

Disclaimers: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
EXT - LANCRE - GRANNY WEATHERWAX'S COTTAGE  
  
Carrot lays curled on the ground in the shelter of the X-Wing, barechested but wrapped in a bedroll, cushioning his head on his arm. His face twitches in odd grimaces at a dream he's having. His eyes snap open as a gale suddenly assaults the patch of bog. He sits up, looking around until he sees...  
  
THE DRAGON  
backwinging as it comes in for a landing maybe a dozen yards away. He backpedals instinctively away, only managing to back himself up against the front landing strut of the X-Wing and kick off the bedroll [he's wearing pants]. His breathing is shallow with the instinctive fear that every organism has for such a large predator.  
  
The Dragon swivels its head around on its long neck to regard Carrot, tilting its head this way and that as though it finds the young Jedi familiar.   
  
Carrot is frozen in place, unable to flee. Then something brushes against his shoulder - the black skirt of Granny's dress, complete with his mentor in it. She regards the Dragon with an air of unconcern, her bony arms folded in front of her.  
  
CARROT  
G-Granny...?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
[almost surprised] Oh, you're here, too? Hm.  
  
CARROT  
But... the dragon... can't you do anything about it?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
No... the dragon is yours to face.  
[she smiles at him kindly]  
But not just yet, and not here.  
  
CARROT  
But--  
  
The Dragon takes to the air, kicking up another small tornado with its huge leathery wings.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
It's going to Quirm, and it'll get there very soon. If you want to have any chance of defeating the Empire and saving your friends, I suggest you go there as soon as you wake up.  
  
CARROT  
But... I'm awake now. Aren't I?  
  
The Dragon roars, and as he turns back to look, it breathes a gout of flame at them and--  
  
END DREAM SEQUENCE  
  
--Carrot wakes with a small scream. He sits up, drenched in sweat despite the natural clamminess of the bog, and looks around for any sign of the Dragon, raking a few errand strands of hair back from his face. Artoo beeps an inquiry at him.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: Dude?]  
  
CARROT  
I'm okay, Artoo. It's just...  
  
A sudden wind sighs through the campsite, eerily reminiscent of the wind of the Dragon's wings in Carrot's dream. No Dragon this time, though. Carrot sets his jaw in determination, then scrambles out of the bedroll and starts packing the ship, shoving what few supplies he has out back into the hold of the ship in a haphazard fashion..  
  
CARROT  
We have to go.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: But--]  
  
Carrot pulls on his shirt.  
  
CARROT  
Now.  
  
ARTOO  
[Subtitle: But--]  
  
Carrot shoves the bedroll [the last of his gear] into the luggage compartment of the ship and slams the hatch.  
  
CARROT  
I'm not going to argue with you. Just get in the ship.  
  
ARTOO  
[Subtitle: Aw man... just when I was starting to settle in, Johnny Smith decides to go and have a premonition.]  
  
As Artoo activates the astrodroid lift in the X-Wing, Carrot hurries over to Granny's cottage and reaches for the door. Granny, despite the late [or early] hour, opens it from within before he quite makes it. Her hair is loose for the first time in the trilogy, falling in dull iron-gray waves to her waist without even pretending to be fetching or enchanting about it, any more than Yoda could be considered handsome by anyone younger than 800.  
  
CARROT  
[surprised] Granny--  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
I know. You have to go.  
  
CARROT  
I didn't think it was right to just leave... you know, without saying goodbye. And thanks.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
It's comforting to know that now the Jedi have a fighting chance. And the Rebellion. [smiles thinly] Kick arse, my padawan... [sober again] But kick wisely. Make sure that you are kicking the arse of your enemy, and not a friend.  
  
CARROT  
[obediently] I will, Granny.  
  
He briefly enfolds her fragile form in a gentle hug, the sort usually given out by big guys who still haven't quite gotten the measure of their physical strength and are afraid of breaking something. Both Jedi can sense that this is not "until we meet again" but "farewell".  
  
Finally Carrot steps back, takes one last look at Granny, salutes her, and finally turns and jogs back to the X-Wing. As Granny watches the vessel take off, it is clear that, despite herself, she will miss him. She waves a bony hand as the X-wing vanishes into the distance. After a beat, she looks annoyed, wiping her eyes.  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX  
[scolding herself; sotto voce] Bloody hell, Esme... this is no time to get all soppy.  
  
And she turns and heads back inside, slamming the door so hard that all the birds are startled out of the trees.  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER  
  
Darth Vetinari walks purposefully along a corridor, his visor down. An officer hustles up to him, jogging to keep pace.  
  
OFFICER  
Sir?  
  
DARTH VETINARI [through visor]  
WHAT DO YOU WANT?  
  
OFFICER  
[timidly] I was... just seeing how the fight went.  
  
Vetinari stops abruptly in front of a door at the intersection of a T-junction [blocking for now the little sign that shows whose office it is] and turns to face the hapless officer, breathing menacingly at him.  
  
DARTH VETINARI [through visor]  
IT WAS A DUEL. A TRIFLE. IT IS OF NO CONSEQUENCE TO THE BIGGER PICTURE AND DOES NOT MERIT FURTHER DISCUSSION, IS THAT CLEAR?  
  
There is a dangerous edge to Vetinari's voice that indicates the few benefits and infinite penalties for inquiring further on the result. After a few moments to digest all the possibilities, the officer salutes.  
  
OFFICER  
Crystal, sir.  
  
The officer hurries down the far branch of the T towards the extreme background.  
  
GEORGE LUCAS [o.s.]  
And... cut!  
  
Vetinari shoves up his visor, revealing a black eye, a cut on his cheek, and a swollen lip. He looks tired. Apparently oblivious that the camera is still running, he presses the door chime and steps back, revealing that he is hailing the Imperial "Advisor".  
  
She opens the door and takes in his condition with the sort of sympathy that he would be damned if he sought anywhere else.  
  
IMPERIAL MASSEUSE  
You poor thing... what happened?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
[wiped out] I need a hug.  
  
She guides him into the office and shuts the door.  
  
In the extreme background, the Officer has nearly reached the end of the corridor when a familiar red phone booth drops out of the fabric of time and space in front of him. The door folds back, and the guy with the scarf steps out, has a brief conversation with the officer [we do not hear what they are saying, but the Officer appears to give him directions to another part of the ship], then heads back into the phone booth, which vanishes again.  
  
EXT - QUIRMISH HARBOUR  
  
The Nameless surfaces with all the fanfare of a manta ray, its low profile barely breaking the surface of the water. The hatch flips up, and Chidder [freshly festooned in fashionable Assassin black, but managing the chromatic opposite of Casanunda's foppish costume] emerges from within and stretches languidly in a great show of casual relaxation. At the same time, he looks around sharply for any bystanders.  
  
VIMES [within]  
Anyone about?  
  
CHIDDER  
Have patience, my dear Vimes... subtlety is a virtue.  
  
VIMES [within]  
So's a straight answer.  
  
Chidder sighs dramatically and looks around more openly, scanning the horizon until he sees two young men, one with uniformly chin-length hair obscuring his face like a Cousin Itt impersonator [TEZZ] and the other with purple spikes on his scalp like the comb of a schizophrenic rooster [SKAZZ]. They appear unarmed.  
  
CHIDDER  
A coupla wizards, if I'm any guess. They don't look hostile or anything.  
  
Vimes pokes his head out of the hatch, peering between Chidder's feet.  
  
VIMES  
Not hostile, my arse... Stibbons isn't supposed to know we're coming.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO [within]  
With respect, sir, I imagine he's expanded the capabilities of the Ivory Tower since my manufacture.  
  
Vimes glances down at the droid.  
  
VIMES  
So you think he's decided to prepare for our arrival?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
Undoubtedly. And if he knows that we're coming, he probably knows why as well.  
  
Vimes sighs.  
  
VIMES  
[slight sarcasm] Well hell, he probably even predicted the rise of the damned Empire.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
[no sarcasm] Not predicted, exactly. He deduced it and anticipated it. That's why he's here, sir.  
  
VIMES  
What - you think Stibbons is a minor god or s-- wait, that's right, I'm asking entirely the wrong person about his divinity. Never mind. [to Chidder] Go and see what the hell they want.  
  
CHIDDER  
Righto.  
  
He hops lightly from the Nameless onto the dock and strolls towards the two wizards.  
  
SKAZZ  
[aside to Tezz] Say, Tezz, you think that's who we're supposed to meet?  
  
TEZZ  
I dunno, Skazz... we're supposed to look for a stealth ship, right?  
  
SKAZZ  
How we supposed to look for a stealth ship? I mean, that's the point, right?  
  
CHIDDER  
Ho there, gentlemen! I was wondering if you were the esteemed contacts sent to intercept us in our journey!  
  
After a beat, Skazz and Tezz exchange a glance.  
  
SKAZZ/ TEZZ [unison]  
Tourist.  
  
SKAZZ  
[calling to Chidder] If yer Imperial, yer cordially invited to take yer sorry arse t'hell.   
  
CHIDDER  
No worries. We've got I.D. [over his shoulder] Hey Vimes! I think they're cool with us.  
  
Vimes climbs from the Nameless and approaches the welcoming party. He is back in his usual clothing [terminally rumpled, as usual].  
  
Skazz and Tezz salute at him.  
  
SKAZZ  
Cap'n.  
  
TEZZ  
Cap'n.  
  
VIMES  
Who the hell are you?  
  
SKAZZ  
Skazz and Tezz, Scholars of the Ivory Tower, sir.  
  
VIMES  
[sotto] Gods, Quirm has really gone to hell... [aloud] Okay, you're here. Now what? You want to join the Rebellion or something?  
  
TEZZ  
Better than that - we brought rides.  
  
Skazz gestures, and a heretofore unnoticed cloaking spell evaporates, revealing the sleek Puzuma bikes. There are, as promised, around a half-dozen of them, and they look bloody fast, like the animal whose design the shell obviously copies: some sort of sleek feline with its limbs outstretched like a flying superhero. The bikes hover about a foot off the ground.  
  
Vimes eyes the bikes suspiciously, then seems to mentally shrug before turning and whistling a signal back to the Nameless. As the rest of Our Intrepid Heroes disembark [specifically exeunt Angua, Lady Sybil, Threepio, Nobby, Colon, and Rincewind with Ferdy riding on his shoulder]:  
  
VIMES  
So, these'll get us through the Quirmish forest?  
  
He indicates the sylvan expanse that lays, presumably, between the Rebels and the Quirmish capitol.  
  
TEZZ  
Oh, undoubtedly. They're like riding a bike, really. [off Vimes' skeptical look] A high-tech bike. A really fast high-tech bike. One with an internal gyroscope so it doesn't tip over.  
  
VIMES  
How fast?  
  
SKAZZ  
So fast that when Tezz rides you can actually see his face.  
  
Vimes looks at Tezz's curtain of hair, featureless but for the tip of the young man's nose just poking through. Oddly, it seems to beam at him. Vimes sighs, certain he's going to regret this but not seeing any alternatives.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
[just arriving beside him] Isn't this exciting? Those clever artisans in Quirm have made a vehicle that looks like the Ambiguous Puzuma!  
  
VIMES  
That's what concerns me. [to Skazz] You two will have to lead the pack on one of these things.  
  
Skazz appears momentarily dismayed by this request.  
  
SKAZZ  
[overly polite] Oh, we really couldn't - I mean, we brought these bikes for our esteemed Rebel guests - we wouldn't dream of--  
  
VIMES  
[brow darkening] That wasn't a request.  
  
We see now that Skazz really doesn't feel secure at the prospect of actually riding one of the Puzumas; he looks a bit paler than usual now.  
  
SKAZZ  
I was afraid that'd be the case.  
  
VIMES  
Well, I wouldn't *dream* of depriving our guides of their ride home.  
  
SKAZZ  
Um, yessir.  
  
*****  
End Part 10. 


	11. Trivial Pursuit

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
INT - IVORY TOWER  
  
Ponder is working on something silvery, just visible at the extreme right of the frame. Another of the Ivory Tower residents, a young man who looks more like a surfer than a scholar with his blond ponytail and his goatee, enters the room with some news. This is ADRIAN.  
  
ADRIAN  
Hey Ponder, I just received... [registers Ponder's project and finds it, er, aesthetically pleasing] Yowza.  
  
Ponder sighs.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
You just received what, Adrian?  
  
ADRIAN  
Er? Oh yeah... It's just reached Psephopolis.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
That's not far from here. Any word from Skazz and Tezz?  
  
ADRIAN  
They're on their way with the Rebel leaders. Listen, about that droid--  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
It's for Persephone. In case we have to abandon the tower, a droid will be easier to transport than a supercomputer.  
  
PERSEPHONE [voice]  
I appreciate the favour, Ponderkins.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
[through forced smile] Not... in front... of the others... Persephone.  
  
Too late.  
  
ADRIAN  
[sniggers] Ponderkins?!  
  
Ponder turns to face Adrian.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
[pointedly] Is there anything else?  
  
ADRIAN  
[getting the hint] No... nothing else... except... Did you borrow my copy of Nymphs and Satyrs At Play for that?  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
[offended by the very idea] No! Of course not! Don't be disgusting!  
  
ADRIAN  
[awkward] Oh. Right. Okay. I'll just, um, keep an ear out for anything else.  
  
He shuffles out and closes the door.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
[sotto voce] I have my own copy, thank you very much.  
  
PERSEPHONE [voice]  
Adrian neglected to mention one thing.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
He was probably a bit distracted by the stress of everything lately. What have you picked up?  
  
PERSEPHONE [voice]  
Someone's chasing the dragon.  
  
This gets Ponder's full attention.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
CHASING it?! Who'd be crazy enough to chase a dragon?  
  
EXT - PSEPHOPOLIS  
  
We are looking out over the quaint little town of Psephopolis, which by this point in the story looks extremely flammable. The Dragon presently proves this theory as it flies into the frame and bathes the town with its fiery breath, herding the townsfolk ahead of it like extras in the movie "Independence Day". It hands on a rooftop and starts to make a very curious noise as it looks around... it is not so much a roar as a howl, possibly even a basso profundo wailing.  
  
INT - CARROT'S X-WING  
  
The vessel is maybe half a mile from Psephopolis, but the fire is visible from here. Carrot sees what's happening, and he's determined to put a stop to it.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: Dude, are you crazy?]  
  
CARROT  
No, I'm not crazy.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: You DO see what's up ahead, don't you?]  
  
CARROT  
I see it. Psephopolis is under attack.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: Couldn't we just go AROUND it to get to Quirm? I'm not feeling especially flame-retardant right now...]  
  
The droid whistles mournfully.  
  
CARROT  
We're not going around it. Granny said I have to handle the dragon, and I intend to handle the dragon.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: Couldn't you just handle the dragon with a nice game of checkers or something?]  
  
Carrot is too busy setting his weapons to reply.  
  
EXT - PSEPHOPOLIS  
  
The X-wing gets into battle mode as it roars past the dragon. The dragon wails again and takes to the air as Carrot executes a midair spin-out, something that he must have learned from Ridcully. Dragon and ship hover opposite each other, and we can hear the ship's engines revving in anticipation of a game of chicken.  
  
Artoo squeaks in dread.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle, in small type: Carrot...?]  
  
Carrot peels out, heading for the Dragon.  
  
A moment later, the dragon roars and flaps its wings, heading for Carrot.  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER  
  
Darth Vetinari looks quite a bit better now [probably thanks to the makeup crew] as he approaches a door marked "No Unauthorised Access. This Means You. I Mean It". He pauses by the door as one of his Officers approaches [not the same one that enquired about the outcome of the duel]. The Officer salutes at him.  
  
OFFICER #2  
Sir?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Yes, what is it?  
  
OFFICER #2  
Our scouts have sighted You Know Who in Psephopolis. Along with an unknown fighter pilot.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Well. You know as well as I do that no ship, let alone a fighter vessel, can hope to defeat You Know Who in combat.  
  
OFFICER #2  
Of course not, sir.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
She's a perfect weapon.  
  
OFFICER #2  
Yessir. And, sir?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
What is it now?  
  
OFFICER #2  
Our Quirmish scouts have detected unknowns traveling Hubward through the local forest. Just thought you should know.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Have the unknowns... dealt with. The scouts can use those marvelous machines I allotted for them.  
  
The Officer salutes and hurries away. Once he is gone, Vetinari slides a keycard through the electronic lock in the heavily labelled door and opens it to reveal the cushioned bed on which the Death Egg is nestled, under the watchful care of the two Agatean women. Nearby are a few gilt bowls of untouched food, and one of the women looks up at Vetinari with undisguised loathing. In the corner of the same room is another confiscated wonder: a blue phone booth - more specifically, it appears to be a British public police call box, but one can never tell. He looks over his treasures with the satisfied air of a dragon confirming that its hoard is still all there, then leaves, locking the door behind him.  
  
EXT - QUIRMISH FOREST  
  
We see a small pack of Puzuma bikes winding through the dense forest at alarming speeds, their engines screaming thinly. As we look closer, we see the two of the bikes carry double burdens: one carries both Skazz and Tezz [Skazz driving] and the other bears Vimes and Sybil [Vimes driving]. Behind them are the rest of the Rebel leaders, including Rincewind at the rear with little Ferdy clinging to the front of his robes like a baby sloth. The Jedi's hat has, miraculously, not blown off; maybe he's using the Force to keep it on. That or about a thousand hatpins. Either way, he appears to be making a concerted effort not to fall off.  
  
Just like in most role-playing games, the guy bringing up the rear in an action movie tends to be the first to know of an impending attack. In this case, Rincewind's Jedi senses start tingling shortly [which would translate roughly into the hair standing up on the back of his neck] before the two-legged Imperial Walker lopes into view like a mechanical Tyrannosaurus rex. Against his better judgement, Rincewind slowly glances back over his shoulder, sees the Walker, and slowly turns back. After a few moments of ashen, contemplative panic:  
  
RINCEWIND  
[at top of lungs] SHIIIIIIIIT!!!  
  
He guns his bike forward a heartbeat before the Walker shoots at the spot where he would have been had he maintained his speed. The laser blast tears into a tree instead. The Walker is joined by two of its Imperial brethren, who join the chase.  
  
Nobby and Colon watch as Rincewind passes them in a red and silver blur. They exchange a glance, then decide he's the best barometer for anything scary back where he just was, and look to see what that happens to be in this case.  
  
Those leading the pack hear the commotion behind and turn to look just as Rincewind sears past at a speed not recommended for the continued health of his bike.  
  
SKAZZ  
Wow. I wonder how he got that speed out of it.  
  
TEZZ  
I wonder how he's keeping the engine from exploding.  
  
VIMES  
We got company!  
  
He brakes, pulling his bike around 180 degrees.  
  
VIMES  
Dear, you might want to get off. This might get a little hairy.  
  
In response, Sybill grabs Vimes' blaster rifle out of the bike holster and pumps it.  
  
LADY SYBILL  
Well, I for one am sick and tired of running from every little thing the Empire throws at us.  
  
VIMES  
These aren't *little* things!  
  
LADY SYBILL  
[resolved] If they want us, they can damn well come and claim us!  
  
Vimes sighs, shaking his head.  
  
VIMES  
[sotto] I married a Viking...  
  
LADY SYBILL  
And you know you wouldn't have it any other way.  
  
VIMES  
That's not the point.  
  
He guns the engine and the bike screams back towards the Walkers.  
  
Meanwhile, Angua leans over the throttles of her bike, a Walker hot on her tail. She weaves around trees and under fallen logs in a treacherous trajectory as the Walker crashes through those same obstacles, trying to get a clear shot.  
  
Rincewind, far ahead of the rest, and who would have the best chance of escaping, suddenly brakes so hard he nearly throws Ferdy off. The little dragon yaps indignantly at him, but Rincewind isn't listening. He has one hand over his eyes, and he's breathing hard; he's receiving one hell of an e-mail from the Force.  
  
RINCEWIND  
[sotto]No no no please not now I don't need this right now I just want to-- [echo]TREE! [/echo]  
  
He whips his hand off his eyes, still a bit off-balance by his vision, of which we caught only a few glimpses, involving a tree felled by a Walker's blaster, and Angua in danger. He looks like he has a headache as he oscillates between his two options. Finally he reaches a decision:  
  
RINCEWIND  
[weary acceptance] You know, Ferdy... sometimes I really hate being a Jedi.  
  
He pulls his bike around and heads back towards the impending melee.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 11. 


	12. Trained Professional Idiots

Disclaimer: See Part 1  
  
Author's note: Okay, is everyone still mad at me for the four-month writer's block, and that's why I'm hardly getting any reviews? Hopefully this Chapter will win everybody back :-)  
  
*****  
  
EXT - PSEPHOPOLIS  
  
Carrot is currently locked in a dogfight with the dragon, the two of them exchanging fire and blasters with no one obviously winning yet. Suddenly--  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [voice]  
[echo] YOU DAMNED FOOL! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! [/echo]  
  
Carrot shouts in surprise and veers off from his latest attack run, narrowly missing several buildings and getting forced into a barrel roll as he actually careens off the side of one of them. Artoo beeps in alarm.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: If I ate cookies I'd be tossing them right now! Aaaaaargh!]  
  
After a few heartpounding moments Carrot manages to regain control of the X-wing and lands semigracefully on a rooftop, rubbing his forehead from the psychic admonition..  
  
CARROT  
[sotto] You said to kick arse, Granny... You said I had to handle the dragon... What am I doing wrong?  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [voice]  
I didn't mean do both at the same time! Remember the rest of what I said about kicking arse.  
  
CARROT  
You said, 'Kick arse... but make sure--'  
[moment of epiphany]  
'Make sure the arse you kick is that of an enemy!'  
  
GRANNY WEATHERWAX [voice]  
Very good. You might follow in your father's footsteps yet.  
  
Carrot is understandably confused by this last remark.  
  
CARROT  
But I'm already a Jedi, aren't I? Is there more I don't know? Granny?  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: Who you talking to?]  
  
CARROT  
[disoriented] Uh... nobody. I don't know.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: Well, since you seem to be having a psychotic episode, is it okay if I drive from now on?]  
  
CARROT  
I'll be fine, Artoo. Did you see where the dragon went?  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: I think Elvis has left the building.]  
  
CARROT  
It's left the city? Headed for Quirm?  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: Well, duh.]  
  
CARROT  
I only hope I'm not too late.  
  
He powers up the X-wing again.  
  
ARTOO  
[subtitle: No fancy stuff this time, okay? My fuel cells aren't settled yet.]  
  
They take off, headed for Quirm.  
  
EXT - QUIRMISH FOREST  
  
The Puzuma bikes zip between the legs of the Walkers, trying to avoid the blasters and the big stompy feet at the same time. The Walkers, meanwhile, are apparently trying to keep track of the Rebels, scuffing at the underbrush with their feet whenever a bike crosses near the appropriate airspace.  
  
On the bike bearing the two Quirmish wizards, Tezz has stood up on the bike behind Skazz, holding onto Skazz with one hand for balance while trying to point his other hand, curled into the classic "hand gun" shape.  
  
VIMES  
The hell does he think he's doing?  
  
A ball of white energy erupts from Tezz's pointing fingers [complete with gunlike recoil] and splatters on the cab of one of the Walkers.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Shooting back, looks like.  
  
She fires at Tezz's now-disoriented target, and it turns, takes two frantic steps, and trips over a fallen log.  
  
As it falls, Angua, still trying to shake off her pursuer, barrels under Walker #1 moments before it crashes facefirst onto the forest floor. On impact, the hatch pops open, and a large purple rabbit in an Storm Trooper hops out helmet, tries to get its bearings, and skedaddles as Walker #2 stomps on and over Walker #1's metal carcass.   
  
Walker #2 lands, looks around, and re-locates Angua. It fires at her--  
  
--exploding the ground immediately under the tail of her bike, pinwheeling the bike into a tree and throwing her off--  
  
--Just as Rincewind returns within view of the impending disaster. He looks around briefly, sees he is closest. He'd been hoping this wouldn't be the case.  
  
RINCEWIND  
Oh hell... You might wanna hang on, Ferdy. I've never done this before, and I can't guarantee anything.  
  
Ferdy, curled in Rincewind's lap, whimpers, indicating his level of confidence in Rincewind's plan [abysmal] and hides his head in the front of the Jedi's robe. Rincewind mouths a small prayer to whomever still cared, and guns the bike forward.  
  
[a.n.: This may get a bit complex, but please bear with me]  
  
Angua regains her feet and begins running full-tilt away from the Walker, hoping to lose it--  
  
--as the Walker takes aim at a tree ahead and to one side of her current trajectory and fires at the base--  
  
--exploding the roots supporting one side of the huge plant, which starts to fall. Angua does not see the danger, even when--  
  
RINCEWIND  
[desperately screaming][echo] JUMP NOW, YOUR HIGHNESS! [/echo]  
  
--advice which would seem absurd on its face, but she launches herself forward, apparently right into the path of the falling tree with hardly any room to spare--  
  
--but a howling blur [acoustically, equal parts bike and Rincewind] scythes through the gap, taking Angua with it, leaving the Walker looking rather bewildered for an Imperial vehicle as the tree finishes crashing harmlessly to the ground. At the instant of the pickup, Rincewind lets out a bloodcurdling scream.   
  
We do not immediately see the reason for the scream as the Jedi swings the bike around to a halt. What we do see is that Angua had wound up sitting on Rincewind's lap facing him, her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. This would probably seem more immediately beneficial to him were it not also clear that he is now obviously in considerable pain and has stuffed his knuckles into his mouth to keep from making any further sounds. The only clue to its cause is the fact that Ferdy is not readily visible.  
  
RINCEWIND  
[very strained] I knew this was a bad idea... I knew it...  
  
Angua loosens her grip and looks at him with some concern. His eyes are watering now.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
What is it? What's wrong?  
  
RINCEWIND  
[unthinking] You've landed *right* on my dragon.  
  
Angua looks briefly shocked at the apparent euphemism.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Oh... I'm...  
  
She scoots away from him to reveal that Ferdy had gotten trapped between them on impact and is now digging his claws into the Jedi's legs, dangerously close to the region she originally thought he was talking about in the first place. The little dragon hisses at her.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Oh! You meant Ferdy. I thought...  
  
Ferdy blows a raspberry at Angua.  
  
RINCEWIND  
Of course I meant Ferdy - what did you think I meant?  
  
There is an awkward pause. Angua is trying hard to keep a straight face. Then Rincewind gets it:  
  
RINCEWIND  
[reddening] Oh gods... you thought I meant...  
  
They both start laughing, despite everything. Angua dismounts from her current position on the bike and remounts behind Rincewind. She pats him reassuringly on the shoulder.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Forget about it. Besides, the crew thought your rescue was cool, [to production crew] right lads?  
  
There is a cheer from off-camera. Rincewind grins sheepishly.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Now come on - there's still two more of those things and our friends out there.  
  
RINCEWIND  
Um... right.  
  
He revs the Puzuma bike as Angua puts her arms around his waist. They speed away in a shower of underbrush, and zip between the feet of the Walker who had been pursuing Angua. The Walker bends forward as they do so, peering between its feet and trying to track them, only to catch a rifle blast from Lady Sybil right in the tailpipe and overbalance. CRASH. Two down, one to go.  
  
*****  
  
End of Part 12. 


	13. Some Minor Turbulence, Quirm, and Dragon...

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
Author's Notes: Okay, Mobius, you asked for a bit of clarification on the last chapter, so here it is: Skazz and Tezz are in fact part of the standard Disc canon. I think they first show up in Soul Music [although anyone who knows any different can feel free to correct me]. One of them [I thought Tezz] has the long hair, and I don't think the other one is described at all. The purple bunny that the Walker pilot gets turned into was just a random morphic spell [though one can assume that Tezz was trying to turn the pilot into something harmless that, most importantly, did not want to kill them. As for the chapter title, that's a reference to a Looney Tunes cartoon in which Daffy cautions the audience, "Kids, don't try this at home. These are trained professional idiots." Or something like that. Hope that clears everything up!  
  
*****  
  
EXT - ABOVE QUIRMISH FOREST  
  
Carrot has re-located the Dragon and is now following it on its apparent warpath towards Quirm. He hears the roar of another engine, and looks up to see, to his horror, the Millennium Falcon approaching their flight path. He snatches up the radio.  
  
CARROT  
Ridcully! Keep back!  
  
RIDCULLY [through radio]  
Looks like you're tailgating a dragon there, lad... I guess you're planning to pass it *before* it destroys Quirm?  
  
CARROT  
I've got a plan!  
  
RIDCULLY   
What - to observe the thing's natural behaviour or something? Not on my watch!  
  
CARROT  
Did you get Leonard?  
  
RIDCULLY  
Damn straight we did. [derisive] I find it amazing that *he's* the greatest mind on the Disc.  
  
CARROT  
[genuine] Yeah, pretty cool, huh? Just get him to a safe place in Quirm - I'm going to find out what the dragon wants.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Well, that's easy enough for you to say, Dr. Doolit-- BLOODY HELL!  
  
The Falcon has crossed in front of the Dragon, who spits a gout of flame at the ship. The flames lick off the left side of the Falcon, causing it to falter and lose altitude, veering away to the right in an attempt to avoid the dragonfire.  
  
CARROT  
[echo] NO!! [/echo]  
  
The Dragon stops flaming and swivels its head around on its long neck to look at the relatively tiny X-Wing. It makes an inquisitive noise at Carrot.  
  
CARROT  
[echo] Please... no more killing. I want to help you.[/echo]  
  
The Dragon tilts its head in curiosity. Then suddenly pivots on one wing and maneuvers around behind the X-Wing. Carrot guns the engine just as the Dragon opens its mouth to bite, so that it gets a mouthful of exhaust vapours. It coughs, sneezes, and follows him.  
  
EXT - QUIRMISH FOREST  
  
The Falcon careens low through the forest, doing enough damage to the upper canopy to give the Sierra club a stroke as it struggles to regain altitude.  
  
INT - MILLENNIUM FALCON  
  
Chewbacca, securely buckled in, holds the copilot controls with his hindpaws while his hands cover his eyes. Ridcully, meanwhile, has the sort of fearless attitude that comes from a lifetime of telling the world to go bugger itself as he glares at the viewscreen. He thumbs the intercom.  
  
RIDCULLY  
This is your captain speaking. All right, people, we're coming in hard and fast and rough and you know this ain't the Seamstresses' Guild so I suggest you buckle yourself the hell in. Teppic, make sure Wonder Boy is strapped in - I didn't earn the undying wrath of a sociopath while rescuing Leonard just so he can get killed in the landing.  
  
TEPPIC [intercom]  
*Are* we landing?  
  
RIDCULLY  
[beat] After a fashion. We'll be experiencing some... slight turbulence.  
  
He turns off the intercom.  
  
Chewbacca howls.  
  
RIDCULLY  
I *know* I've never tried to land in a forest before, but neither have you, so just pipe down! [to the ship] All right, girl, we've been through a lot together... just help me out, okay? I just need... a little... ALTITUDE!  
[He yanks back on the controls. One of the systems fails]  
*Altitude*, damn you, not *attitude*!  
  
The ship jolts off a particularly stout tree as Ridcully kicks at the offending part of the control deck. It coughs, stutters, and whines back to life [for now].  
  
In the viewscreen, we can distantly [though not for long] see the Imperial Walker and the Puzuma bikes.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Oh hell... BRACE FOR IMPACT!  
  
EXT - QUIRMISH FOREST  
  
Those on the bikes dive for cover as the Falcon crashes past, the nose taking the top half of the Imperial Walker with it, leaving the legs still standing there for a few breaths before they realise they're dead and fall over properly. To its credit, the Falcon was starting to regain altitude at the time.  
  
VIMES  
Was that the Falcon?  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Looks like it - and look there!  
  
Vimes follows her pointing hand and sees--  
  
VIMES  
The dragon! Everyone mount up! Get to Quirm immediately!  
  
LADY SYBIL  
I was pointing at the X-Wing just ahead of it, dear.  
  
At this revelation, everyone pauses in their mad scramble to the bikes in order to look.  
  
VIMES  
Damn fool kid.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
It looks like he's leading it somewhere.  
  
RINCEWIND  
You see? That's why I've never like the idea of destiny.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Why's that?  
  
RINCEWIND  
Destiny can make you do some pretty dumb things.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Ever consider that he might have a plan?  
  
RINCEWIND  
That's what worries me.  
  
They mount up on Rincewind's Puzuma bike. The others are already starting away.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
*Everything* worries you.  
  
RINCEWIND  
[sullen] Kept me alive so far.  
  
They peel out towards Quirm.  
  
EST - QUIRM  
  
This is the first time we've seen the external architecture of Quirm, which reminds one of Renaissance Italy. The primary landmark on the skyline, standing proudly at the far edge of a beautifully designed town square with its flagstones arranged in a perfect fractal pattern centred on an ornamental fountain, is an elegant tower of white marble. This is [duh] the Ivory Tower. Quirm is, on the whole, a good example of the sort of architectural excellence that it would be a pity if anything happened to it.  
  
The intellectual serenity of the city is abruptly broken by the Millennium Falcon limping in from the top of the frame. Its left flank is charred and smoking, the outer shell is dented and festooned with greenery and broken branches, and the whole mess is losing altitude again. Presently the shorn off half of the Imperial Walker drops out of the forked nose of the Falcon, into the near entryway of the town square. It looks like a dead dinosaur.  
  
The Falcon soon follows it Discward, skipping across the perfectly interlocking flagstones of the town square. The ship ricochets off the ornamental fountain, taking most of the fountain with it, and pinwheels like a battlemech turned breakdancer until it finally scrapes to a halt, its rear bumper inches from the front facade of the Ivory Tower. There is a stunned silence for maybe ten seconds before the emergency parachute abruptly pops out of the rear of the ship and covers the ground floor of the tower in a silk canopy and parachute lines.  
  
The top emergency hatch of the Falcon opens partway, jams, and is pounded on from within until it unsticks. As Ridcully climbs out to survey the damage to the Falcon, a first-storey [second floor] window in the tower opens up, and Ponder pokes his head out to see what the hell just happened. Ridcully spots him and waves his arms.  
  
RIDCULLY  
[shouting] We're okay! Everybody's okay!  
  
Ponder is not looking at Ridcully. Instead, he's looking at the giant skidmark of destruction left by the crashing ship. He looks a bit paler than average in the moments before he turns crimson.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
[shrieking] DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CALCULATIONS THAT MOSAIC REQUIRED?!  
  
Ridcully glances back at the destroyed design, then at the livid wizard. He looks almost apologetic.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Um... a lot?  
  
Before Ponder can respond, the fleet of Puzuma bikes arrive.  
  
After having to detour around the wrecked Walker torso, the Rebels converge on the Falcon as Ridcully jumps down from its roof. Vimes confronts Ridcully.  
  
VIMES  
Well?!  
  
RIDCULLY  
I rescued a Quirmish inventor from a knife-wielding psycho and got forced out of the sky by a dragon with an attitude problem. What did *you* do all day?  
  
VIMES  
I barreled through a dense forest at 600 miles per hour astride a particle accelerator and tap-danced with some Imperial battlemechs.  
  
There is a beat.  
  
RIDCULLY  
[grins] All right, kid, you win that one.  
  
VIMES  
Damn straight.  
  
Vimes glances up as Teppic helps Leonard out of the emergency hatch  
  
VIMES  
Glad to see your mission went well. Now--  
  
And finally, lest you forget about the 300-foot dragon and the young Jedi hero, Carrot's X-Wing suddenly flies into view, flying *backwards* just ahead of the huge dragon. The dragon keeps its attention squarely on the X-Wing, as though the tiny vessel has suddenly become vastly more interesting than it previously was.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
[reflexively grabbing Rincewind] Carrot!  
  
RINCEWIND  
Oof.  
  
VIMES  
Easy there, Princess... we don't want to make any sudden movements.  
  
Leonard has stopped cold on the roof of the Falcon and is watching the whole spectacle with great artistic fascination.  
  
TEPPIC  
Come on, Monsignor da Quirm, it isn't safe here...  
  
LEONARD  
Look at that form... it's like the Draco nobilis is somehow both mammal and reptile at once...  
  
TEPPIC  
Monsignor da Quirm--  
  
LEONARD  
And just imagine the aerodynamics involved in enabling such a creature to fly...  
  
TEPPIC  
LEONARD!  
  
Leonard starts and looks at Teppic.  
  
LEONARD  
Well, there's no need to shout. I'm coming along directly.  
  
He finally allows himself to be helped down.  
  
INT - X-WING  
  
Carrot's face is a mask of concentration. His brow glistens with sweat as he focuses on the Dragon, one hand outstretched toward it as far as the cramped cabin will allow.  
  
CARROT  
[echo] Follow me. Be calm. [/echo]  
  
He takes the X-wing down, and the Dragon likewise eases towards the square, not taking its eye off Carrot. Its hind claws touch down, and it folds its wings like big leathery umbrellas at its flanks. It makes that eerie howling noise as it settles down onto all fours, following the X-Wing as the vessel lands.  
  
Carrot opens the hatch and climbs out carefully, making sure to maintain eye contact with a creature that could easily smash him with an absent flick of its tail. He takes off his helmet, sets it in the seat of the fighter, and hops down off the wing as the Dragon lowers its chin to the flagstones, watching him.  
  
The other Rebels watch tensely, ready to take cover if need be.  
  
Angua starts to head for him, but Vimes grabs her unceremoniously around the waist and shoulders in a bear hug. As she struggles, Vimes leans close to her ear.  
  
VIMES  
[businesslike] We can't do anything that won't make it worse, Princess. We can only hope that Carrot knows what he's doing, all right? Just calm down.  
  
She stomps on his instep and breaks free. As she heads for Carrot again:  
  
RINCEWIND  
Your Highness?  
  
She whirls on him.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
What!  
  
RINCEWIND  
[echo] Sleep. [/echo]  
  
The command is accompanied by the most tentative of gestures, but she swoons. Vimes dives to catch her as her legs fold up.  
  
VIMES  
Nicely done.  
  
RINCEWIND  
[hopeful] I think I'm getting the hang of this. [worried] Erm. Apologise to her for me when she wakes up.  
  
Carrot has nearly reached the prone dragon, quite aware of the potential danger of this arrangement and moving with care accordingly. He pauses a few yards away [just out of biting range] to gather his courage before closing the remaining distance and, with the caution of someone trying to pet a rearing cobra, rests his hands on the huge muzzle and closes his eyes.  
  
VIMES  
The hell does he think he's doing?  
  
RINCEWIND  
[guessing]Talking to it?  
  
VIMES  
*Talking* to it? Why--?  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Well, I for one am glad that he's trying a solution beyond just killing it. It probably has a perfectly good reason for doing what it's been doing. Dragons don't just start destroying cities for no reason.  
  
VIMES  
Sure seems to me like that's what it's been doing.  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Oh, hush. Something's happening.  
  
NOBBY  
Sir?  
  
VIMES  
What is it?  
  
NOBBY  
If he gets crisped or eaten or something, can I have his X-Wing?  
  
Vimes slowly turns to fix Nobby with a dark look, at which Nobby hesitates.  
  
NOBBY  
Just planning for the future, sir. You always told me to plan ahead.  
  
Meanwhile, Carrot is oblivious to all of this. It is clear that something is happening on his end - a lot of something. We catch flashes and blips of what he is seeing:  
  
CARROT'S VISION  
  
A huge nest built overhanging the Rim, containing two massive eggs like giant pearls being showered in the spray from the Rimfall and awash in the eight colors of the Rimbow  
  
An Agatean hovership, painted red and gold, approaching the nest.  
  
The Dragon and another, smaller dragon [whose flight is apparently propelled by a blue-white flame coming out from under its tail] attacking the vessel in defence of their nest.  
  
The vessel shoots both dragons with blasters, knocking them both out of the sky and onto the edge of the nest.  
  
A clawed arm unfolds from the hovership and seizes one of the eggs; as it is removed from the spray, we recognise it as the Death Egg.  
  
The hovership makes its getaway as the larger Dragon begins to stir. She nudges the smaller dragon to wake him, but gets no response; he is dead. She raises her head and lets out a long, mournful wail that echoes through the empty space beyond the Rimfall.  
  
END VISION.  
  
Carrot spasms as he returns to reality, nearly overwhelmed with the surge of emotions that came along with the vision. His ashen face is streaked with tears, which he only discovers when he rubs his eyes to clear them. He looks at the Dragon with a new sense of understanding: The Empire took her egg, and she just wants it back.  
  
CARROT  
[unsteadily] Thank you... for trusting me... I want to... to... want to...  
  
He passes out.  
  
NOBBY [o.s.]  
Now can I have his X-Wing?  
  
VIMES [o.s.]  
No!  
  
*****  
  
End Part 13. 


	14. Meanwhile, in another part of the movie

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER  
  
A hallway at a T-junction, empty for maybe five seconds before the red phone booth appears in the middle of it. It sits there rather innocently until:  
  
PRESTON [o.s.]  
Dude! We found it!  
  
Preston and Logan hurry up to the phone booth as the door folds open, and the Guy With Scarf steps out, looking mildly irritated at the two young Californians.  
  
LOGAN  
Scarf-dude!  
  
Preston and Logan air-guitar at him, showing their happiness at his arrival.  
  
GUY WITH SCARF  
Yes. Well. Do you have any idea how difficult it was to find you? We aren't even in your home universe anymore!  
  
Preston and Logan share a philosophical pause. It is clear that they are just now realising how wrong of a turn they made at Alberquerque, as it were.  
  
PRESTON/ LOGAN [unison]  
Dude.  
  
GUY WITH SCARF  
Actually, it's a miracle I was even able to follow you in your primitive time- travelling device. I had to rewire much of it. Now, William, Theodore, I expect you have managed to get yourselves in great trouble since we parted company.  
  
Preston and Logan exchange a glance.  
  
PRESTON  
It totally wasn't our fault, Scarf-Dude--  
  
GUY WITH SCARF  
For the last time, call me the Doctor, please.  
  
LOGAN  
We showed up on this totally huge ship and this guy in totally cool black armour decided to get totally heinous and took away our - uh, your - phone booth.  
  
THE DOCTOR [Guy With Scarf]  
So... you don't know where it is?  
  
PRESTON  
Oh, we know where it is!  
  
THE DOCTOR  
Where?  
  
PRESTON  
Probably in some totally strong vault on the ship. I've seen lotsa movies like this.  
  
The Doctor deflates slightly.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
Well, I can track it with this.  
[brandishes a wand-like device that Doctor Who fans would recognise as a Sonic Screwdriver]  
But first, we have work to do before we can go after it.  
  
Preston and Logan join the Doctor in the red phone booth.  
  
LOGAN  
What kinda work?  
  
THE DOCTOR  
[flippant] Oh, just help save the world, that's all. [beat] I'm sure there's a beautiful princess somewhere in there.  
  
PRESTON  
Hey Ted, we get to rescue another princess-babe!  
  
PRESTON/ LOGAN [unison]  
EXCELLENT!  
  
The Doctor looks a bit tired as he shuts the door on their air guitar. The red phone booth vanishes.  
  
INT - VETINARI'S OFFICE  
  
Bing-bing-bing-bingley-bing-bingley-bing.  
  
Vetinari still hasn't managed to change the door chime, nor has he learned to tolerate it.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Yes what is it!  
  
The door opens, and an officer sidles in. He salutes timidly at his fearless leader, and fidgets a bit until:  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Report.  
  
OFFICER  
Um... she's stopped. In Quirm.  
  
Vetinari looks up, and laces his fingers at the officer in an alarmingly casual manner.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Now, by 'stopped', do you *really* mean 'stopped', or do you mean 'paused'?  
  
OFFICER  
Sir?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
There is, of course, a difference. If she has 'paused', then that means she is eating, or resting, and everything will soon be fine once she stops pausing. But if she has in fact 'stopped', then that means that something is slightly amiss. Perhaps very amiss. So... if you would be kind enough to clarify?  
  
OFFICER  
She's been pausing for a couple days, sir.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
And what do our Quirmish operatives say about it?  
  
OFFICER  
Nothing, sir. They've been incommunicado since she arrived. We're not even getting a signal. We think the transmitter is destroyed.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
By the guest of honour, perhaps?  
  
OFFICER  
Can't say, sir. Our last transmission sounded like a ship crashing or something.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Very well. Anything else?  
  
OFFICER  
The, uh, Walkers in the Quirmish Forest are destroyed. It might be related. And. Um. Nobody can find Teatime, sir.  
  
Vetinari gives the officer a slow, contemplative blink.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
He isn't exactly easy to miss.  
  
OFFICER  
That's what worries me. You always told us, keep a close eye out for Teatime, otherwise we'd be dead before we hit the floor. That's what you said. So, there was usually at least five of us who knew where he was at any given time.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
And you've managed to lose him.  
  
OFFICER  
Yessir.   
  
He looks as though there's a lot more about this particular scenario than he is willing to tell Vetinari.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Is there anything else?  
  
OFFICER  
No, sir.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
Fine. Don't let me detain you from finding out what's happening in Quirm, of course. And... if you do find Teatime, be sure to sedate him heavily before bringing him to me.  
  
The Officer salutes and exits.  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER - FORBIDDEN CHAMBER  
  
The two Agatean guardians of the Death Egg recline in the dimmed fluorescent lights of the Chamber near the Egg cradle, apparently asleep. [btw, the blue phone booth still occupies the rear corner of the Chamber.] The Egg itself appears to glow softly in the dimness, outlining a vague shape within the shell which might be mistaken for shadows or mottling until the shape stirs, making a leathery rasping noise against the inside of the shell. Something hisses inside the Egg, then chirps.  
  
The noise awakens one of the Egg Guardians [whose name is LOTUS BLOSSOM], and she sits up and rests one palm on the Egg. The hatchling moves, causing the Egg to stir in its cradle. Lotus Blossom nudges her sister, PRETTY BUTTERFLY, awake. They converse in Agatean, a fluid language that sounds similar to Chinese.  
  
LOTUS BLOSSOM  
[Agatean. Subtitle: Wake up, you lazy girl! The Egg awakes!]  
  
Pretty Butterfly sits up drowsily, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.  
  
PRETTY BUTTERFLY  
[Agatean. Subtitle: Oh, go back to sleep. You are dreaming.]  
  
The hatchling chirps inside the Egg, ready to come out. Pretty Butterfly reacts in surprise.  
  
PRETTY BUTTERFLY  
[Agatean. Subtitle: It *is* awake!]  
  
LOTUS BLOSSOM  
[Agatean. Subtitle: It will hatch soon. Its mother will want to see her baby.]  
  
PRETTY BUTTERFLY  
[Agatean. Subtitle: If she still lives. And if we can escape.]  
  
LOTUS BLOSSOM  
[Agatean. Subtitle: Do not worry. Remember the story that Father told us of the Great Jedi Master [this phrase translates from what sounds like Obi-Wan Kenobi] who watched over him in his travels.]  
  
PRETTY BUTTERFLY  
[Agatean. Subtitle: That is just a story he told to make it sound better. The Great Jedi Master is probably just a legend.]  
  
LOTUS BLOSSOM  
[Agatean: Subtitle: Shut up, Pretty Butterfly. Your lack of faith is disturbing to me.]  
  
Lotus Blossom strokes the Egg gently, humming a soothing melody to the baby dragon within. The dragonling croons in response, and starts to purr.  
  
PRETTY BUTTERFLY  
[Agatean. Subtitle: You know, in some of the villages, they call him Old Bologna Sandwich.] [The Agatean phrase for "Old Bologna Sandwich" sounds very similar to that for "Great Jedi Master".]  
  
*****  
  
End Part 14. 


	15. The Deus Ex Machines

Disclaimers: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
INT - IVORY TOWER - QUIRM  
  
Carrot sleeps, facedown, on a cot. His is mainly covered by a blanket but otherwise apparently undressed, and he appears to have regained some of his colour. Princess Angua is nearby, watching over him, and presently she notices the strange marking on the back of his shoulder.  
  
She pulls back the edge of the blanket to see the rest of the birthmark - a wine-coloured mark like a tattoo, in the shape of a crown. As she is puzzling over the possible significance of the mark, she hears a metallic footstep and looks up to see...  
  
PERSEPHONE  
in her new droid body, looking like some fantasy woman dipped in chrome, save for her eyes [which are a featureless, luminescent aquamarine], her hair [which appears to have been fashioned from fine copper wire into the smoothest, most geometric bob in cosmetological history], and her lips [also metallic red]. Her joints and seams, though visible, do not interfere with her sleek lines, and her movements are smoother and more organic than that of the older model represented by Ponder Threepio, and it seems that someone has deemed it necessary for her to wear clothing [probably to maintain the PG-13 rating], though not too much of it [probably to earn the PG-13 rating].  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Who are you?  
  
PERSEPHONE  
I am Persephone 9000, a recent creation of Ponder Stibbons.  
  
Her voice, though not unpleasant, has nonetheless a slight synthetic timbre to it.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
9000? That sounds more like a computer than a droid.  
  
PERSEPHONE  
I started as a computer program, but I received an upgrade shortly before the dragon arrived.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
I bet you did. Have you met Threepio?  
  
The she-droid tilts her head in amusement.  
  
PERSEPHONE  
I have. Your butler is quite a character. [beat] But rather shy, I think.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
[deciding not to pursue the mechanics of romantic robotics] I expect you've been monitoring Carrot?  
  
PERSEPHONE  
Yes, in addition to my usual duties. He is healing from the psychic shock and should be lucid by this evening. In the meantime I recommend he continue to rest.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
[re: the birthmark] Have you seen anything like this before?  
  
Persephone strolls over to look, recording and magnifying the resulting image.  
  
PERSEPHONE  
My database is quite extensive. It is possible I have a file on something like this. Would you like me to run a search on it?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
If you could... maybe see who his parents were, that sort of thing.  
  
PERSEPHONE  
Ah... a fallen twig searching for his family tree. I expect this is important, then.  
  
Angua runs her fingers idly through Carrot's hair.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
[absently] It might be.  
  
PERSEPHONE  
I understand. I will give the search top priority. [smiles] I was, after all, programmed as a romantic at heart.  
  
Angua looks at her, puzzled, but the droid is already strolling away. We follow Persephone into a...  
  
CONFERENCE ROOM  
where she gently insinuates her silver self into the scenery to listen to the meeting already in progress. As she enters...  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
... and I think that the likeliest place for the Empire to hide something like this - especially to keep it from the Dragon herself - would be on the main Star Destroyer.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Dammit, I was just up there! Why didn't you find this out before?!  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
[testily] We didn't have a chance to talk to the Dragon before now! If I may continue?  
  
RIDCULLY  
[sulky] Yes, fine, go ahead.  
  
VIMES  
Once we've confirmed where the egg is, how do we expect to get it back? If I know Vetinari, he'd put it in the most inaccessible arse-crack of the Star Destroyer surrounded by a hundred guards.  
  
LEONARD DA QUIRM  
Not if he wished it to remain a secret.  
  
All eyes turn to the benevolent scientist, who smiles kindly back at them as he doodles.  
  
VIMES  
[sotto] Wow, it talks.  
  
LEONARD DA QUIRM  
[not noticing the barb] The fewer people he has guarding an item, the fewer people have to know about it.  
  
TEPPIC  
Leonard only had one man guarding him.  
  
RIDCULLY  
You call that sociopath a man?! He might have killed Chewie! As it is he's lucky to get away with a haircut!  
  
Chewbacca, who is grumpily sporting a crewcut, grunts in agreement.  
  
LEONARD DA QUIRM  
It is a simple rule of conspiracies... the fewer the people who know, the fewer the people you have to trust.  
  
He sounds almost dreamy as he reports this opinion. On the page is a beautiful sketch of a perfect rose blossom. In the margin of the same page is another sketch, this one illustrating a handheld repeating crossbow, with a machine-gun-like strip of bolts snaking out of one side.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Of course, the real question is, how many people do *we* send, and how do we get up there? The Falcon is trashed, and the technogeeks running this place say they won't get her space worthy until week's end.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
Right now, the "technogeeks" could probably build you a better ship from a kit.  
  
RIDCULLY  
I don't *want* a new ship! I want *my* ship!  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
Fine... but Adrian says they don't make parts for it anymore.  
  
RIDCULLY  
If Adrian would *let* me, I'd show him how to fix the damn thing!  
  
VIMES  
ENOUGH!  
  
His commanding voice barrels between the two generations of heroism, and Stibbons and Ridcully fall silent.  
  
VIMES  
The real questions we have to face right now are, one, who do we send on this mission, and two, how do we get them up there?  
  
As he outlines the second question, a red phone booth appears behind him. He turns in surprise as the door folds back to reveal...  
  
RINCEWIND  
Oh no... not them again...  
  
Preston and Logan [who apparently have made a stop and changed out of their Imperial uniforms into the outfits that made them famous in the 80's] and the Doctor [who obviously didn't see any reason to change]. Bill and Ted see Rincewind before he can hide.  
  
PRESTON / LOGAN [unison]  
JEDI-DUDE!  
  
RINCEWIND  
[feebly] Hi.  
  
The Doctor steps out of the phone booth after them, offering Vimes a sympathetic look.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
Sorry about the entrance - this thing doesn't appear to have much in the way of a stealth setting... we're not too late, are we?  
  
*****  
  
End Part 15. 


	16. Wyld Stallyns, Reluctant Jedi, and Inter...

Disclaimers: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
CARROT'S ROOM  
  
Carrot is dreaming. We see flashes of images: Imperial Walkers, fighter ships, storm troopers.  
  
CONFERENCE ROOM  
  
Vimes stares at the newcomers.  
  
The stunned silence stretches, until Rincewind sees Sybil opening her mouth. He knows what's coming.  
  
RINCEWIND  
Your Ladyship--  
  
LADY SYBIL  
Who--  
  
RINCEWIND  
Please don't--  
  
LADY SYBIL  
--the *hell*--  
  
RINCEWIND  
I'd really prefer if--  
  
LADY SYBIL  
--are *you*?!  
  
RINCEWIND  
Oh no, not this again...  
  
He ducks under the conference table.  
  
The two young Californians obviously relish the same moment that Rincewind dreads.  
  
PRESTON  
I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire...  
  
LOGAN  
And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan...  
  
PRESTON  
And together, we are--  
  
PRESTON / LOGAN [unison]  
WYLD STALLYNS!  
  
They aim air guitar riffs at Vimes, who fails to be impressed.  
  
VIMES  
Lovely... more Music With Rocks In. [to the Doctor] Are they yours?  
  
THE DOCTOR  
[tiredly] After a fashion. We accidentally switched time machines while I was visiting the city they call San Dimas, and I've been trying to track them down ever since.  
  
PRESTON  
We were totally kidnapped by the Sith-dude, who took away his phone booth.  
  
LOGAN  
And now we need to get it back from Darth Vetinari so we can all go home.  
  
PRESTON  
You know, I think I saw something like this at the multiplex last Friday.  
  
LOGAN  
No way - they had an all-night Bikini Babes Creature Feature last Friday. [to Vimes] Finest contribution to cinema we've ever seen.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
Actually, our mix-up happened last Friday.  
  
PRESTON  
Oh yah... the Creature Feature must've been the Friday before that.  
  
VIMES  
[to Logan] Didn't I see you in a clicks about virtual reality or something?  
  
LOGAN  
[grins] That sounds like it'd make a most excellent movie.  
  
VIMES  
Never mind. If we could return to the issue at hand - which is probably contingent on getting the Wyld Stallyns to shut up--  
  
Preston and Logan both make the universal gesture for "my lips are sealed".  
  
RIDCULLY  
Well, like I said, I was just up there, and I'm not making a second trip - especially not with the Millennium Falcon like it is.  
  
Preston and Logan, lips still innocently pressed together, begin humming the "Star Wars" theme. Vimes turns to glare at them, and they stop, only to resume when he turns back.  
  
CARROT'S ROOM  
  
The dream or vision or whatever is becoming more intense, reaching a nightmarish velocity at about the point at which Carrot spasms awake with a gasp.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Carrot...?  
  
He sits up, gathering the blanket around his waist to preserve his modesty.  
  
CARROT  
[urgent] Clothes. I need clothes.  
  
A bit alarmed, she points out a chest in the corner. As he stands, tying the blanket around his waist:  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Carrot, what's going on?  
  
CARROT  
They're coming.  
  
CONFERENCE ROOM  
  
VIMES  
I'm not *suggesting* you go back up there, Ridcully.  
  
RIDCULLY  
Good.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
But we have to send someone. And we need a working ship or... something...  
  
He is now looking speculatively at the phone booth.  
  
The Rebels turn to follow his gaze.  
  
Finally, the temporal travelers regard the phone booth.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
Er, is that device insured?  
  
PRESTON  
[mouth still pressed shut] Mmf mf-mf mffmfmfffmmf.  
  
VIMES  
What? [beat] You can talk now.  
  
PRESTON  
We're kind of borrowing it.  
  
LOGAN  
From the future.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
So, technically, it doesn't exist yet. Which means no insurance. That might be a problem.  
  
PRESTON/ LOGAN  
We'll drive!  
  
LOGAN  
When do we leave?  
  
VIMES  
First, we have to decide which of the Rebel Alliance is going--  
  
PRESTON  
THAT's where I know this from!  
  
VIMES  
What...?  
  
PRESTON  
Star Wars, dude!  
  
VIMES  
[to George Lucas] Could you give him a sedative or something? I'm getting a headache.  
  
Presently Carrot enters the conference room, fully dressed and with his game face firmly in place.  
  
VIMES  
[turns] Carrot! You're supposed to be resting!  
  
CARROT  
I'll rest later. [to Ponder] Right now Imperial forces are converging on the city. You have to get ready for battle.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
[startled] H-how many?  
  
Carrot thinks.  
  
CARROT  
Most of them, I guess. In the meantime, I need to get up to the Star Destroyer.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
Well, we're already going in that direction.  
  
CARROT  
Who are you?  
  
THE DOCTOR  
Most people call me the Doctor.  
  
CARROT  
Uh... Doctor who?  
  
THE DOCTOR  
[brightly] Yes, exactly.  
  
Carrot looks like he's reached a level of confusion usually only attained during a conversation with Yogi Berra.  
  
VIMES  
I hope you're not thinking of doing this alone, Carrot.  
  
CARROT  
Of course not. I'm going to be taking a great Jedi master with me.  
  
There is a frantic shuffling under the conference table, and Carrot scrambles alongside said table until he manages to grab hold of Rincewind and pry him loose. Rincewind is clearly dreading this latest mission.  
  
CARROT  
Don't worry, Rincewind. Granny said that she saw great things in our future.  
  
RINCEWIND  
I don't want great things to be in my future. I want great things to be very far behind me - and preferably not chasing me and trying to kill me.  
  
CARROT  
Granny also said that the core of the way of the Jedi is humility.  
  
PRESTON  
Hey Rince-dude! By that standard you're a totally bodacious Jedi!  
  
RINCEWIND  
Shut up.  
  
LOGAN  
Hey Bill, royal princess-babe at ten o'clock.  
  
Princess Angua has entered the room just in time to receive the collective appreciation of Preston and Logan. She curls her lip at them in a snarl that shows a few warning fangs.  
  
PRESTON  
[sotto] Whoa. Were-babe.  
  
The Doctor puts his hand over his eyes.  
  
CARROT  
[putting his arms around the Princess] Angua... There's one last thing I have to do.  
  
In the background, Death has just entered the frame, as casually as you please. Rincewind notices this and breaks into a cold sweat.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
I don't want you to go.  
  
CARROT  
I'm sorry - I have to. I have to face Darth Vetinari and vanquish whatever evil is behind his power. Only when the Empire is broken can the Discworld be free.  
  
She hugs him around his broad chest.  
  
Preston and Logan have noticed Death as well. Death gives them a reassuring air guitar, and they grin and return the salute. Rincewind looks sideways at them.  
  
RINCEWIND  
[to the Doctor] If those two turn out to be Jedi, I'm gonna be really mad.  
  
Carrot and Angua don't notice the activities in their background.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
Just make sure you come back.  
  
CARROT  
I will. No matter what.  
  
They step back from each other, one last lingering glance connecting them before Carrot turns towards the phone booth and its crew.  
  
Preston and Logan applaud the touching farewell, and Preston theatrically wipes at his eyes. Carrot smiles faintly at them.  
  
CARROT  
Let's go.  
  
Preston, Logan, the Doctor, Carrot, and Rincewind crowd into the booth. Just as the Doctor is about to close the door, Carrot holds it open.  
  
CARROT  
I think We got one more.  
  
DEATH  
THANK YOU. I JUST HAVE SOME BUSINESS UP THERE AS WELL AND APPRECIATE THE RIDE.  
  
Death makes his way to the back of the booth, right next to Rincewind, who risks an apprehensive glance at him as Preston dials.  
  
RINCEWIND  
Uh... hi.  
  
DEATH  
HELLO.  
  
RINCEWIND  
You're uh, not still mad about that 'bugger the script' thing back in Episode Four, are you?  
  
DEATH  
NOT AT ALL.  
  
RINCEWIND  
Oh, good.  
  
DEATH  
[sotto] AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A MELVIN.  
  
The door closes. An antenna swings up into place.  
  
RINCEWIND  
A *mel--*?  
  
The phone booth vanishes in the middle of the word "melvin".  
  
*****  
  
End Part 16. 


	17. Narrative Causality

Disclaimers: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
EXT - QUIRM  
  
The Dragon is asleep, curled in a leathery hill in the middle of the square. Presently she lifts her  
  
head and sniffs the air in huge sinusfuls, and curls her lip. She doesn't like what she smells, and  
  
growls.  
  
INT- CONFERENCE ROOM  
  
VIMES  
  
Okay... assuming Carrot's right - and I don't have any reason to think he's not -  
  
we'll need to get ready for the attack. And Quirm never struck me as a  
  
particularly martial country.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
  
You might be surprised. The Quirmish are very creative when it comes to  
  
defending their artistic creations. They just look... unusual.  
  
VIMES  
  
[cautious] How unusual are we talking?  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
  
You'll see. But first...  
  
[he turns to Persephone]  
  
Persephone, can you sense anything?  
  
PERSEPHONE  
  
There are four squads of fighter ships approaching from the Widdershins direction.   
  
I expect they'll be here in about an hour. We won't have much time to prepare the  
  
troops.  
  
Ponder considers this for a few stressful moments before coming to a decision:  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
  
Okay, everybody who can fly a glider, raise your hand.  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER  
  
The phone booth appears in a corridor, and most of the occupants burst out. The notable  
  
exceptions are Death, and a rather queasy-looking Rincewind, who is wiping his mouth on his  
  
sleeve.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Sorry about that... motion sickness.  
  
PRESTON  
  
Dude, that was totally bogus! We have to go home in that!  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Look, I have a weak stomach, okay? I've never traveled through the fabric of time  
  
and space in a phone booth before. And I tried to aim it away from everyone, but  
  
with five people--  
  
DEATH  
  
AHEM.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Er, I'm not sure if you count.  
  
DEATH  
  
IS THAT WHY YOU VOMITED ON *MY* FEET?  
  
Rincewind looks down and confirms that this is, in fact, what has happened.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Oops.  
  
DEATH  
  
YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MY DRY CLEANING BILL  
  
WILL BE LIKE. SHROUDS ARE VERY DELICATE. OF COURSE, I'M  
  
JUST AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION - NOBODY CARES  
  
ABOUT *MY* FEELINGS.  
  
LOGAN  
  
Get off his case, Death-dude - he said he was sorry.  
  
DEATH  
  
OH, FINE. BUT I SHALL SEND HIM THE BILL.  
  
Death manages to look sullen.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
If we've concluded here, perhaps we should set about finding my TARDIS.  
  
Carrot nods.  
  
CARROT  
  
And don't forget the dragon egg.  
  
PRESTON  
  
I don't know if a dragon egg'll fit in here.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
It'll fit in the TARDIS, mark my words.  
  
Carrot turns, sensing something  
  
CARROT  
  
Listen, I'll catch up with the rest of you later. Right now there's something I need  
  
to do - something important I have to finish.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
Go on, then. I'm sure we'll do fine.  
  
CARROT  
  
Be sure to come get me when you're done. I might need help.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
Will do. One of the modifications I made to this booth is a universal tracking  
  
device. Wherever you are, we'll find you.  
  
CARROT  
  
Okay. Thanks.  
  
He hurries off.  
  
PRESTON  
  
I wonder where he's off to.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
He has some narrative causality to resolve.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
How come I get all the annoying narrative causality?  
  
DEATH  
  
THINK OF IT THIS WAY. YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Not for lack of trying, apparently.  
  
DEATH  
  
OH, QUIT WHINING. I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF IT.  
  
LOGAN  
  
[raising his hand] Uh, question. What happens if the egg hatches before we get it  
  
back to its mom?  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[bearing an expression of second-hand foreboding] I really wish you hadn't said  
  
anything...  
  
LOGAN  
  
Why not?  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
I think he's concerned about narrative causality. Not to worry - that sort of thing  
  
only happens in stories.  
  
The Doctor withdraws a strange, futuristic gizmo from one pocket and a white paper bag from  
  
the other. He offers the bag to Rincewind.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
Here - have a jellybaby. It'll help you relax.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
I doubt that...  
  
He takes one anyway - it looks like a gummi bear - and pops it in his mouth. The Doctor  
  
manipulates a few controls on the gizmo, and it hums faintly, like a cricket who has forgotten the  
  
words.  
  
INT - FORBIDDEN CHAMBER  
  
Close on the Death Egg as the hatchling within stirs, gently at first but then more energetically.  
  
The shell cracks.  
  
*****  
  
End of Part 17. 


	18. Music With Rocks In, Lads!

Disclaimers: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
EXT - QUIRM  
  
Imperial fighters are now closing on Quirm, which currently appears eerily deserted. The only evidence of Alliance occupation are the two wrecked vessels on the trashed courtyard. Even the Dragon is missing.  
  
IMPERIAL PILOT #1 [radio]  
  
Man, what a bust. This place is a ghost town.  
  
IMPERIAL PILOT #2 [radio]  
  
Yeah - how hard can it be for a 200-foot-long dragon to hide, anyway?  
  
IMPERIAL PILOT #1 [radio]  
  
What - you want her to pop up and try to mate with your ship or something? That'd be something to tell the grandkids later on, mark my words.  
  
IMPERIAL PILOT #2 [radio]  
  
Oh, gods - I just had dinner, too!  
  
There is general laughter over the radio.  
  
As they draw closer, we see a lone figure standing on the crown of the Ivory Tower, holding something roughly the size and shape of a basketball under one arm.  
  
It is, in fact, Ponder, wearing a strange harness and a cloak that appears to be made out of silver weather-balloon material. He has a swamp dragon under his arm, and he looks as though the lightest tap on the shoulder would cause one or both of them to detonate. Even so, he stays where he is, watching the fleet draw closer, waiting for the right moment for the signal--  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
  
[screaming at top of lungs] MUSIC WITH ROCKS IN, LADS!  
  
--and with that he flings himself off the Tower, leaving his pointy hat behind on the breeze. The Dragon rears up her head and roars, sounding rather like an air raid siren, and generally discombobulating the incoming Imperial fleet.  
  
As Ponder falls, he tucks the swamp dragon under his arm and yanks a ripcord on the harness, triggering his silver cape to unfold into a batlike hang-glider, the wings of which swiftly catch the air, allowing him to soar upwards and towards the enemy fighters. Behind him and below him, from the many windows of the Tower, two dozen or so other Quirmish scholars - most of whom appear to have migrated from various wizarding universities, to judge by the general robed-ness of the lot - leap out and activate their own gliders. A handful ride flying brooms and, to judge by their additional gear and padding, appear ready to play full-contact Quidditch.  
  
Other devices now flying towards the Imperial forces include huge ornithopters manned by Quirmish civilians - two or three per thopter - and whirlybird helicopters [such as can be found in some of the Da Vinci sketches], likewise with three-man crews. The flying machines of all shapes swarm up to meet the higher technology of the Empire, blasting the fighters with dragonfire and dropping crockery filled with alchemical explosives onto their wings.  
  
And of course, there is the matter of the Dragon - who swoops over the main square at the enemy forces. Presently, she snaps up an enemy ship in her jaws like an iguana snapping up a large dragonfly. Clearly she has decided that she doesn't like the Empire.  
  
On the ground, it appears the older Rebels have declined to participate in the Quirmish Air Force - opting instead to lead the ground-to-air attack, pouring out of the buildings at Ponder's signal to hit the Empire back first. At the front edge of the resistance forces we have the trolls - one of whom is obviously female and is currently dressed like a very large Xena [remember Ruby?] - with their various weapons of mass splatting - ballistas, siege engines, and even large stones flung by hand at the fighter ships.  
  
The dwarves, not wanting to be outdone by the trolls, have brought out their own ingenious devices - catapults loaded with Greek fire [Tsortean fire?], fire engines [like large swamp dragons on wheels but slightly less explody], and even a giant slingshot whose purpose appears to be launching dwarves with well-made handaxes onto the ships themselves. Seeing a frothing dwarf about to swing a mithral axe at one's windscreen tends to lower one's morale, after all - along with reducing general visibility.  
  
INT - IVORY TOWER  
  
Threepio approaches a door and knocks politely.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Your Majesty?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA [within]  
  
Go away. I'm busy.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
I suspect you're getting ready to join the battle, and I'm going to advise you against it.  
  
There is a pause.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA [within]  
  
Why not?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
May I come in?  
  
She sighs.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA [within]  
  
I suppose.  
  
The door opens, and the protocol droid enters.  
  
The Princess is in a silk bathrobe, sitting on the edge of the bed. Arranged on the bed are pieces of armour - apparently hers.  
  
He crosses the room to stand genteelly in front of her. There is a pregnant pause, the sound of a subject waiting to be breached. Something explodes distantly outside, and the tower shakes.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
So - explain to me why the Princess of Uberwald is not allowed to go and fight if she wants to?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
As you well know, the throne of Uberwald is the oldest in living memory, starting with--  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
Skip the history lesson. I'm really not in the mood.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
It is also the only line that has survived the rising of the Empire intact. If we win this battle, the Disc will need to be politically rebuilt, and I can say in all probability that only a royal heir will be able to do that.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
Well, what if I don't want to be a princess?  
  
Threepio tilts his head.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Why in the world would - [the light dawns] This is about Master Carrot, isn't it?  
  
She looks at him in such a way that makes it clear that it is.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
The Disc is run by a tyrant, social order is in tatters, we might all die, and I can't marry the man I love because he doesn't have the right pedigree!  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
So, you plan to throw yourself into a hazardous situation to spite the customs of elitism?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
A queen of Djelibeybi once declared herself legally male because they only allowed men on the throne. I can declare myself legally common.  
  
There is a baffled pause.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
The logic behind that is... just... have you been speaking with the Ephebean philosophers? Listen to me, Your Majesty... Persephone has told me that she's pursuing a lead in the Ivory Tower's records - one that she thinks is especially promising. I don't know what she means, but she said you would.  
  
There is a glimmer of hope in Angua's eyes.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
Thanks for the update, Threepio... I'm feeling a little better right now.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Is there anything else you require?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
I could use a hug.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
I'm not programmed to offer emotional comfort, Your Majesty... besides, I wasn't designed to be especially cuddly.  
  
Just then, we hear something careen into the side of the tower. Threepio, acting on a line of contingency programming, automatically dives as the something crashes through, and a cloud of plaster dust envelops him and the Princess. When it clear, the wing of a ship has nearly bisected the room, sticking through where Angua would have been had Threepio not hauled her to the ground and shielded her with himself. The are both covered in dust and debris. Angua coughs.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Are you all right?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
[sotto] Marvel of Quirmish architecture my ass... [aloud] Yes, I'm okay.  
  
He helps her back to her feet.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
I'm serious, Threepio - right now I don't know what I'd do without you.  
  
She hugs the droid. After an awkward pause, he mimics the gesture.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[faithfully] One is happy to serve, Your Majesty.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 18. 


	19. Imperial Meetings

Disclaimers: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
INT - STAR DESTROYER  
  
Carrot is making his cautious way down a corridor, following his Jedi senses to what he knows  
  
will be his final confrontation with Darth Vetinari, one way or the other. He has certainly matured  
  
since Episode Four, with most of the naivete gone from his handsome face; he has seen evil, and  
  
he has decided that he doesn't like it.  
  
He pauses in front of a door, then keys it open. As it hisses aside, he snatches up his lightsaber  
  
from his belt to confront--  
  
A perfectly benign-looking if unnecessarily expansive conference room, with a file folder sitting  
  
innocently at the table's far end. The chair at that end is turned away from Carrot's immediate  
  
view; there is another door beyond. Carrot knows he's not alone.  
  
CARROT  
  
Show yourself, Vetinari.  
  
The chair slowly turns to reveal the dark Jedi seated therein, looking especially stylish in his  
  
freshly polished armour. He has a cold smile on his face.  
  
Carrot focuses on Vetinari.  
  
CARROT  
  
My name is Carrot Skywalker of the clan Skywalker. You killed my parents.   
  
Prepare to die.  
  
Vetinari rolls his eyes.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Oh, please. Such melodrama, just to introduce yourself to me. I know who you  
  
are, Carrot. [indicating the file folder] As you can see we've had our eye on you  
  
for quite some time now. Your latent Jedi talents would be a great service to the  
  
Empire, properly applied. Of course there would have to be significant changes,  
  
you understand. You're a bright young man - I trust you understand the meaning  
  
of *progress*? It is a regrettable fact of life that one cannot help everyone - some  
  
must suffer for the greater good. Even as we speak, an Imperial agent is in the  
  
very heart of the Rebel stronghold - and you can do nothing to stop him. [smiles  
  
humourlessly] Perhaps he will find that lovely princess you're so fond of?  
  
Carrot's resolve falters at this possibility.  
  
CARROT  
  
You're bluffing.  
  
Too late - Vetinari has seen the flicker of fear.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
So she *is* alive - at least for now.  
  
The door behind Vetinari swishes open to admit an ominous robed figure.  
  
DARTH VETINARI [contd]  
  
I expect you'll want some time later on to mourn her passing - again - but first  
  
there is someone I would like you to meet.  
  
Carrot quails at the apparition of Lord Hong, as if evil is pouring off the Agatean Emperor in  
  
waves - which it is.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
In time, you will come to call him Master. Or you'll die. It makes no difference to  
  
me, really.  
  
CARROT  
  
I think you're trying to freak me out.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
I think I'm succeeding.  
  
CARROT  
  
We'll see about that.  
  
Carrot activates his lightsaber.  
  
CARROT [contd.]  
  
My name is Carrot Skywalker of the clan Skywalker. You killed my parents.   
  
Prepare to die.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
[dismissive] Oh, fine, if you're going to be so childish about it.  
  
Vetinari activates his own lightsaber and advances.  
  
CORRIDOR OUTSIDE FORBIDDEN CHAMBER  
  
The red phone booth appears about a foot to the left of the heavily marked door; exeunt the  
  
Doctor [holding the humming device out in front of him and apparently following it], Rincewind  
  
[in a bit of a hurry to get away from Death], and Preston and Logan from the booth. Death stays  
  
where he is.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
Well, the signal is coming from this door... [looks up and sees the warning sign] I  
  
expect this is the place - after all, someone seems to be going through an awful lot  
  
of trouble to make sure nobody goes in here.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Maybe we should take the hint and go.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
Oh, nonsense - we're exactly where we need to be.  
  
He begins adjusting the device to a different setting. It hums in a different key. The electronic  
  
lock starts humming also, in close harmony.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[sotto] Or exactly where the Empire wants us...  
  
PRESTON  
  
Lighten up, Rince-dude - after all, what's the worst that could happen?  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[in all seriousness] Well, just off the top of my head, the door could open and a  
  
monster could jump on me.  
  
LOGAN  
  
That *would* be bogus - [grins] but even we know that there's no such things as  
  
monst--  
  
Presently, the door lock beeps cheerfully, the door opens, and a scaly blur flies out [missing the  
  
Doctor by inches] and broadsides Rincewind, knocking him off his feet. Preston and Logan start  
  
screaming, as does Rincewind.  
  
The dragon hatchling, meanwhile, snuffles curiously at Rincewind's robes, then starts licking his  
  
face, getting slobber all over and turning his beard into the first chin-based cowlick in history.   
  
Rincewind stops screaming and starts spluttering.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
It's all right - I think it's just a baby. Look - it's wings aren't even fully developed  
  
yet.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Erm, a little help here?  
  
Pretty Butterfly and Lotus Blossom peer around the edge of the doorframe to see who opened the  
  
door.  
  
LOTUS BLOSSOM  
  
Hai?  
  
PRESTON/ LOGAN [unison]  
  
Hi!  
  
The Doctor turns.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
Ah - are you the keepers of this creature?  
  
The Agatean women look at him uncomprehendingly  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[to the hatchling] [echo] Get off me - please? [/echo]  
  
The hatchling tilts its head but backpedals off Rincewind. The Jedi gets up, wiping dragon  
  
slobber off his face, and rejoins the group. Preston is in the middle of Creative Communication  
  
with Lotus Blossom and Pretty Butterfly.  
  
PRESTON  
  
[enunciating very carefully] See, we're looking for a *phone booth* [pats the red  
  
booth] except it's *blue*. [grabs the Doctor's scarf and points to a band of the  
  
appropriate colour]  
  
PRETTY BUTTERFLY  
  
[to Lotus] [Agatean. Subtitle: Who are these buffoons?]  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Can I try?  
  
PRESTON  
  
[discouraged] Yah - go ahead.  
  
Rincewind clears his throat.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[long Agatean phrase. Subtitle: Hello.]  
  
LOTUS BLOSSOM  
  
[Agatean. Subtitle: Who are you?]  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[gestures to the others in turn] Doctor... Preston... Logan. [gestures to himself]  
  
Rincewind.  
  
The two Agateans react to his name and start chattering excitedly between themselves. They  
  
appear to be arguing.  
  
LOGAN  
  
What'd you say to them?  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Hello, I think. I think they think I'm famous.  
  
He seems less than thrilled about this possibility.  
  
*****  
  
End of Part 19. 


	20. Modern Technology

Disclaimers: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
EXT - QUIRM - THE BATTLE  
  
Most of the Imperial fighters have been grounded; those few that are left find themselves targeted by the local Quidditch team, who generate orbs of energy which they smack at the ships with their bats. We see an orb short out the engine of one of the ships, and the vessel crashes.  
  
Leonard is strolling serenely along the ramparts of a rooftop, juggling melons. Presently he absentmindedly lobs one of the melons overboard, and it plunks tidily onto the head of one of the new Imperial foot-soldiers like a fruity helmet, blinding and disorienting him. Leonard notes he is one melon shy, and doubles back to retrieve another from a basket up there with him. Still juggling, he scoops the new melon into the mix without missing either of the two he still has.  
  
Behind him we see a dark shape dart from behind one chimney to take shelter behind another one.  
  
INT - IVORY TOWER – CORRIDOR  
  
The dark figure, wrapped in a black cloak, fairly slithers along the wall with the sort of stealth that only comes from formal training. He reaches a door [we recognize it as the one leading into Angua's room] and pries open the lock with the point of his dagger. One connection later, the door slides open and the Assassin approaches the occupant, who has long blond hair and her back to the door.  
  
The Assassin [whose left eye, glowing milky blue in the shadows of his cloak, reveals him to be Teatime] silently approaches the apparent Princess, reaching out his free hand to grab her shoulder.  
  
An instant before he makes contact, she whirls around, grabbing his wrist, and we see that she is actually—  
  
CHIDDER  
  
Hello, Teatime, you bastard.  
  
Teatime is only momentarily taken aback by this unexpected development, but then his mad smile crawls back into place.  
  
TEATIME  
  
Why Chidder… what an unexpected honour. I'm given to understand you graduated with top marks, did you not? Too bad you never quite learned Rule One.  
  
CHIDDER  
  
What's that?  
  
TEATIME  
  
Never trust a smiling man.  
  
CHIDDER  
  
Oh, you don't have to worry about that. Teppic?  
  
A clothing stand [well-draped with clothes] in the corner behind Teatime suddenly comes to life like some bizarre ghost of laundry past. Teppic tosses away his camouflage with a few shakes, revealing bared daggers.  
  
TEATIME  
  
[too enthusiastic] Oh, marvelous, marvelous work! I can see how you've evaded the Empire for so long – but of course all things must come to an end. Shall we?  
  
TEPPIC  
  
Let us shall.  
  
Chidder flicks his fingers, and a slim dagger falls from each sleeve, into his waiting hands. This should be fun…  
  
STAR DESTROYER – CONFERENCE ROOM  
  
Carrot and Vetinari are locked in mortal combat. Carrot's technique has improved since their last fight, so he doesn't look so much like he's trying to hack his way though the Dark Jedi's defence and rather more like he's trying to find the openings that are already there. Vetinari, meanwhile, still looks a bit pissed that he got his arse handed to him on a silver platter in his last lightsaber duel [the one against Lucas], so he's making sure that this one really counts. Emperor Hong watches the proceedings with polite interest.  
  
Vetinari knocks Carrot back against the edge of the conference table, but Carrot uses his own momentum to carry himself into a seated position on the table, barely parrying the next swipe of Vetinari's saber – one which would have severely compromised Carrot's chances for future reproduction. He jabs his boot into Vetinari's face, knocking the Sith back just long enough for Carrot to roll to his feet on the conference table. Vetinari sneers and leaps onto the table as Carrot assumes a defensive stance.  
  
What ensues next is a combination of swordplay and kickboxing that makes for a rather interesting light show (though I can just hear the stunt choreographer crying as he reads this). They are, again, evenly matched, for while Carrot has the extra height and all the Jedi training under his belt Vetinari has the extra experience and sheer BAQ [Bad Ass Quotient].  
  
After they've fought thusly for a decent interval, it becomes clear that Carrot is managing to wear Vetinari down.  
  
LORD HONG  
  
Enough!  
  
Vetinari, the well-trained servant of the Dark Side that he is, sullenly breaks off and deactivates his saber, turning to give Hong a dour look. Carrot, breathing hard and covered with sweat, waits in the anticipatory silence. After a moment, he likewise deactivates his saber.  
  
LORD HONG  
  
I see many things within you, Skywalker… great potential, in fact – a potential that is, regrettably, absent from Vetinari here.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Master—  
  
LORD HONG  
  
[pointedly] Excuse me. I'm speaking.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Yes, my Lord.  
  
LORD HONG  
  
[to Carrot] We could offer you great power, wealth, status… [leers] nubile virgins, if you like.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
You never offered m—  
  
LORD HONG  
  
[pointedly] Excuse me. I'm speaking.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Yes, my Lord.  
  
LORD HONG  
  
[to Carrot] You could have whatever you wished, if you joined us. You could be a great asset in our drive to bring the Disc under a united leadership. We could help you further hone your abilities, and make you the perfect warrior.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
What's this about 'we'?  
  
LORD HONG  
  
[pointedly] Excuse me. I'm speaking. Well, Skywalker, what do you think of my offer?  
  
CARROT  
  
I think you can take that offer and shove it up your—  
  
INT – STAR DESTROYER – FORBIDDEN CHAMBER  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
All right, here we are.  
  
He is standing in front of the blue phone booth and looking it over to make sure it isn't damaged. He unlocks the double doors to the front of it, and the right-hand one swings open to reveal darkness within.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
I'll take our esteemed guests [motions to Lotus, Butterfly, and the hatchling] down to the surface in my TARDIS.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Won't it get a bit crowded in there? I mean, we barely all fit in the red one.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
No need to worry. I'll have plenty of room – and I'll see about getting the little one something to eat. [he scratches the dragon under the chin, and it rumbles pleasantly] The rest of you can go pick up Carrot, and we'll all meet back in Quirm. Agreed?  
  
PRESTON  
  
Affirmative, Scarf-Dude!  
  
LOGAN  
  
Totally. Come on, Rince-dude.  
  
They pile into the red phone booth still occupied by Death. Rincewind pauses at the door and glances back just as Pretty Butterfly turns, smiles at him, and gives him a little wave. He looks like he'd rather not have any more complexities in his life, thank you, and stuffs himself between Preston and Logan. Logan dials, the antenna swings up, and the red booth plunges into the floor. A few moments later, the TARDIS starts making an asthmatic wheezing, churning noise, and simply fades out of immediate existence.  
  
INT – STAR DESTROYER – CONFERENCE ROOM  
  
Hong leaps with alarming agility up onto the conference table, shoving Vetinari aside. The grotesque Sith Master's face is contorted further with rage, baring his slightly pointed teeth. He advances on Carrot, who backs away, having come to the realization that he may have underestimated the venerable Emperor.  
  
LORD HONG  
  
Insolent boy! You dare to mock me! I have more power in my little finger [waves the digit in question] than you could ever hope to possess!  
  
Carrot pauses, and gets an odd little smile on his face  
  
CARROT  
  
Your time grows short, Hong. You're too blinded to see it, but I can.  
  
LORD HONG  
  
Oh, how droll – you think you can dupe me with some sort of mind trick?  
  
CARROT  
  
Your power will fade, and soon it will be like you were never here. You'll be erased from the history books, or reduced to a footnote. Your name will become a boogeyman.  
  
LORD HONG  
  
My powers fade, do they? Behold the waning powers of a dying man, then!  
  
Carrot has just enough time to brace himself before the blast of lightning hits him, but all the same he is knocked off his feet and, in fact, off the conference table. The young Jedi slides for a few feet across the floor, winded and in obvious pain.  
  
Hong advances to the edge of the table, gloating down at Carrot from this elevation. Carrot manages, with great effort, to open his eyes to grimace up at the Dark Lord.  
  
Vetinari, getting to his feet, watches the proceedings with great interest.  
  
LORD HONG  
  
I will make you regret your loose tongue, boy – but very slowly. You will die by inches, knowing all the time why, and knowing you can do nothing to stop it. BEHOLD!  
  
Around the middle of his speech, a few errant tongues of lightning lick around him, apparently in preparation for the pantload of pain he is about to deliver on Carrot, but immediately after he shouts "behold", a rift opens in time space above Hong's head and regurgitates the red phone booth.  
  
ON THE OCCUPANTS  
  
Of the phone booth as it lands. The blue-tinged spectre of Lord Hong erupts upward from the floor of the booth, looking rather baffled, ending up next to Death and Rincewind. Rincewind turns, sees Hong's shade, and pales. He tries to inform Preston and Logan of this development, but no sound comes out as the young Californians open the folding door of the booth.  
  
LOGAN  
  
[glancing down] Oh, gross…  
  
PRESTON  
  
What is it, dude?  
  
LOGAN  
  
Feet. We landed on someone, dude.  
  
PRESTON  
  
[glancing down as well] Bogus.  
  
They regard the unseen feet thoughtfully  
  
PRESTON  
  
On the bright side, they totally look like evil feet.  
  
LOGAN  
  
Yah. Good call, Bill.  
  
Hong finally registers that something has gone horribly wrong, at about the same moment that he notices Death.  
  
DEATH  
  
BOO.  
  
LORD HONG  
  
How could this have happened? I am all-powerful!  
  
Death sighs, a sound like the wind through a graveyard, and shakes his head slowly.  
  
DEATH  
  
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I HEAR THAT. COME ALONG – THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE WHO ARE VERY EAGER TO MEET YOU.  
  
Death and Hong step out of the phone booth [Death's skeletal hand firmly on Hong's shoulder], and completely out of the conference room and into Limbo, a bleak plane of semi-existence. Hong looks around, and it becomes clear that they are not alone in Limbo.  
  
LORD HONG  
  
Who are all these people?  
  
DEATH  
  
YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW – YOU ARRANGED THEIR DEATHS, AFTER ALL. [beat] I GUESS YOU ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE CONCEPT OF KARMA. NOT TO WORRY – THEY WILL TEACH YOU.  
  
Death shoves Hong into the waiting arms of destiny and takes one pace back into reality as the screaming starts.  
  
By this time, Preston and Logan have helped Carrot to his feet. Rincewind senses something, and turns to face Vetinari, who is edging towards the door.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Look out!  
  
Preston and Logan turn and see Vetinari. The Sith Lord stops, ready to attack or make a break for it, as needed – he looks like a cornered animal right now.  
  
PRESTON  
  
Hey Sith-weed! YOU SUCK!  
  
Vetinari bares his teeth in a feral snarl.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Vengeance will be mine!  
  
He stops short and gets a nauseated look on his face, like he just stepped in cat puke.  
  
DARTH VETINARI [contd.]  
  
You know, that has got to be the stupidest parting line in the history of villainy. I never really understood the poetic last speech thing. Suffice it to say that I'm going to set the self-destruct on the ship and make my villainous escape, and there's nothing any of you can do to stop it. You'll probably escape by the skin of your teeth, but here's to hoping that you don't.  
  
He retreats through the far door.  
  
CARROT  
  
You're letting him get away?  
  
DEATH  
  
NOT TO WORRY. I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH HIM LATER TODAY. IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME, MY WORK HERE IS CONCLUDED.  
  
He strolls away through a wall and vanishes.  
  
Carrot exchanges a puzzled shrug with Rincewind.  
  
IN THE NEXT ROOM,  
  
Vetinari feverishly operates the computer. He is forced to stop as:  
  
COMPUTER VOICE  
  
Hello. Welcome to the self-destruct mechanism of this Star Destroyer, version 2.0. May I describe to you some of the wonderful additional features available to you?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
No.  
  
COMPUTER VOICE  
  
There is an upgrade available for this software. Would you like to download it now?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Will *this* version blow up the ship?  
  
COMPUTER VOICE  
  
Well, yes… but in version 3.0 you get to choose the colour of the fireball.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
I'll pass.  
  
COMPUTER VOICE  
  
Would you like to register your software now?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Can I still blow up the ship if I *don't* register?  
  
COMPUTER VOICE  
  
We would really prefer you to register your software.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Can I register it *later*? I'm in a bit of a hurry.  
  
COMPUTER VOICE  
  
["bing"] An automatic reminder will be sent to you after eight days.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Perfect. Now, could you just set the ship to blow up in five minutes?  
  
COMPUTER VOICE  
  
Activating this feature will permanently destroy the ship and everything in it. Are you sure you want to activate the self-destruct?  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Yes!  
  
COMPUTER VOICE  
  
["bing"] Self-destruct feature activated.  
  
We start hearing distant explosions.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
What's going on?! I wanted you to set a five-minute delay!  
  
COMPUTER VOICE  
  
This feature is not available in unregistered versions of this product.  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
WHAT?! YOU GODS-DAMNED PIECE OF SHIT COMPUTER!! ABORT! ABORT!  
  
COMPUTER VOICE  
  
This feature is not available in unregistered versions of this product.   
  
Vetinari lets out a scream of rage and starts sprinting for the escape pods, escaping the computer room moments before it is engulfed in flames. The computer voice continues heedless:  
  
COMPUTER VOICE  
  
Thank you for using the self-destruct mechanism, version 2.0. Have a nice d[explosion]  
  
*****  
  
End of Part 20. 


	21. Unfinished Business in Quirm

Disclaimers: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
EXT – QUIRM – THE BATTLE  
  
The tide has turned in the Rebels' favour, if one may safely judge by the imperial wreckage littering the square, and the Quirmish defenders are routing the last few pockets of the hated Empire.  
  
INT – IVORY TOWER – ANGUA'S ROOM  
  
The three-way deathmatch between the assassins is still going on at a ferocious pace, with blades flickering at blinding speed. It is either a miracle or his insanity that has kept Teatime alive for this long, though his clothing is torn and he is no longer grinning. In fact, he's snarling at Teppic and Chidder from his current position backed into a corner. He looks like he would very much like to spit venom in both their faces, were it not for the inconvenient fact that he possesses neither hollow fangs nor venom sacs.  
  
TEATIME  
  
You know the trouble with good guys? You always feel like you have to be merciful to your enemies. I bet you're not even really trying to kill me – just incapacitate me so you can take me prisoner or some such crap.  
  
CHIDDER  
  
Oh come on, Teatime, you should know better than that.  
  
TEATIME  
  
Better than what?  
  
TEPPIC  
  
We're not good guys – we're Assassins.  
  
Teatime looks understandably puzzled  
  
TEATIME  
  
If you're not good guys, what does that make me?  
  
Chidder smiles angelically – if the angel one has in mind in the avenging sort.  
  
CHIDDER  
  
Dead.  
  
As one Assassin, Chidder and Teppic lunge forward and stab Teatime. When they withdraw, Teatime slides to the floor, his dying expression one of comical bafflement.  
  
TEPPIC  
  
He raises a valid issue, Chidder – if we're not good guys, then what are we?  
  
CHIDDER  
  
I choose to consider myself Chaotic Neutral with chivalrous tendencies.  
  
TEPPIC  
  
Well, that makes sense, I suppose.  
  
CHIDDER  
  
Now let us remove our guest before Her Grace gets back. I simply would not do to leave a bloody corpse in the bedroom of a princess.  
  
TEPPIC  
  
I'll get his feet.  
  
They set about removing Teatime in a very businesslike fashion.  
  
EXT – QUIRM  
  
Angua, meanwhile, is well out of immediate danger, watching the last throes of the battle from a rooftop. Her thoughts, however, are of Carrot, hoping he gets home safely. Leonard saunters up next to her, still juggling what appear to be his last three melons.  
  
LEONARD DA QUIRM  
  
[helpfully] It seems to be mainly over.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
[distracted] Mm.  
  
LEONARD DA QUIRM  
  
It won't take but a week to get things cleaned up, and then Quirm will be good as new. And the Disc will be rid of people who want to use technology to oppress, rather than help, their fellow man. I shouldn't be very surprised if people like young Stibbons rose to power in the absence of the Empire.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
Leonard?  
  
LEONARD DA QUIRM  
  
Yes, Your Grace?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
Go suggest that to Vimes. I'm willing to bet you wouldn't be able to find the shade of purple he turns anywhere in your paints.  
  
LEONARD DA QUIRM  
  
Oh, I did already. [pauses mournfully] I don't suppose it would have been so bad had he not been holding a swamp dragon at the time.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
Oh no – did he - ?  
  
LEONARD DA QUIRM  
  
Oh, the dragon is fine. However I would have enjoyed disassembling the three Imperial ships that got caught in the fireball. I suppose it's for the best – I understand that so many of my ideas have been used for evil. Maybe it's best if some of them remain forgotten.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
I'm sorry, Leonard. [beat] Have you heard anything from Carrot?  
  
LEONARD DA QUIRM   
  
Well, those two droids of Stibbons' seem to have discovered something very exciting about him – that's why I was looking for you.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
What - ?  
  
Just then the TARDIS arrives, wheezing and gasping like it is about to break down, and a slightly disheveled Doctor exits hurriedly, though considering his quirky fashion sense, "disheveled" is a relative term. Let us establish a baseline by indicating that the ends of his scarf have been bitten off so they now hang at about waist level and his hair is even more unruly than before and he is missing half of one sleeve of his frockcoat. He approaches Angua.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
I have some good news!  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
Carrot's with you?  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
No – I've found out what it eats!  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
What WHAT eats?  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
Unfortunately, it took a bit of trial and error, but in the process I discovered that a newly-hatched dragonling will take fresh meat. It will also eat most furniture, a set of mithril cookware, an entire bag of jellybabies, several rare specimens from Betelgeuse 4, and Slinkies, among other things. Is its mother anywhere about? I'm quite eager to return him now.  
  
LEONARD DA QUIRM  
  
[sensing a kindred spirit] Are you Quirmish, by chance?  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
No – Gallifreyan. Why?  
  
LEONARD DA QUIRM  
  
I think you'll find this city very fascinating.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
Of course, of course, but first –   
  
He turns on his heel and re-enters the TARDIS, emerging moments later accompanied by Pretty Butterfly, Lotus Blossom, and the hatchling. The young dragon has grown noticeably since it hatched and is now the size of a pony. It is chewing on something metallic, but presently it pauses, swallows, and sniffs the air. Catching a particular scent, it rushes to the edge of the rooftop and chirps happily. The mother Dragon calls from somewhere not very far away, and we see her outline banking around a tall building to rejoin her baby.  
  
THE DOCTOR  
  
Well, it seems my work here is done. [to Leonard] I would love to visit your city very soon – but in the meantime it's going to take *ages* to clean up the TARDIS. It's truly amazing how rambunctious a one-day-old dragon can be. [bows] If you will excuse me…  
  
He ducks back into the TARDIS, which leaves a few moments later.  
  
Angua waits anxiously for a few beats longer, expecting Carrot to show up with his companions.  
  
LEONARD DA QUIRM  
  
Your Grace? Ponder Threepio and Persephone would very much like to speak with you. They were quite insistent.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
… all right.  
  
At that moment the roar from the exploding Star Destroyer reaches the Disc. Angua turns, sees the nova, pales, and makes a strangled noise, putting her hand over her mouth. Leonard puts a gentle hand on her shoulder and leads her away from the rooftop.  
  
INT – IVORY TOWER – CORRIDOR  
  
Leonard and Angua pass by Teppic and Chidder headed the other way, carrying between them a large bundle wrapped in a blanket. Chidder nods amiably to the Princess and touches his forelock in greeting. She smiles feebly in response.  
  
She and Leonard enter a parlour, already occupied by Threepio and Persephone.  
  
PERSEPHONE  
  
Are you quite certain? After all, the Star Destroyer was just—  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[bows, seeing the Princess] Good afternoon, Your Majesty.  
  
PERSEPHONE  
  
[turns] Your Grace.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
Leonard tells me you have some news.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
You look a bit pale… maybe you ought to sit down.  
  
After a moment [during which she is torn between the need to be strong and the slight queasiness in the pit of her stomach from witnessing Carrot's apparent death], she sits.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Now, as you know, Persephone and I have been conducting a bit of independent research into the background of Master Carrot, and we've found something I think you'll find very interesting.  
  
He offers her a printout, which she takes with a trembling hand. She reads what is printed there, nearly smiles, but then breaks into a fit of sobbing.  
  
PERSEPHONE  
  
I should think she would have taken the news a bit better than that. I mean, it's *good* news, isn't it?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
I think we're missing a few crucial pieces of this puzzle. Leonard, might I requisition a hanky from you?  
  
Leonard proffers a small paper box with a linen hanky tucked into the top. Threepio takes the hanky, and another one pops up to replace it. The droid offers the hanky to Angua. She looks up at him with bleary eyes, then takes the hanky and blows her nose..  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
Don't you get it? It doesn't matter… even if this is true it doesn't matter – I saw the Star Destroyer blow up!  
  
PERSEPHONE  
  
And thus we get to the heart of the matter… You see, Threepio thinks that—  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
I *know* it for a fact, thank you!  
  
PERSEPHONE  
  
Okay, fine…  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
You know… what?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Well, I don't want you rushing off—urk!  
  
Angua has grabbed the protocol droid around his metallic throat [in absence of lapels] and pulled him forward so he is optic sensor to yellow eye with her.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
[snarly voice] TELL ME!  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Master Carrot… is alive, Your Majesty. I've been monitoring his vital signs since he left, in case I should need to organize a rescue mission, and I can tell you for a fact that he's still alive.  
  
She stares at him for a moment, scarcely believing the glimmer of hope he's offered.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
Where is he, then? If he's still alive, then where is he? If he made it off the Star Destroyer, then where did he go from there?  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
Er… therein lies the problem. I can't quite determine where – or when – he is. But I can assure you that as soon as he can, he'll come back to you – if my knowledge of human nature serves me well.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
I just wish he were here now so I didn't have to worry about him.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
[pats her hand] It's just a matter of time.  
  
*****  
  
End Part 21. 


	22. Conclusion

Disclaimer: See Part 1.  
  
*****  
  
EXT – SOMEWHERE IN KLATCH  
  
PAN ACROSS  
  
The landscape, following a rather ungraceful skidmark across the otherwise smooth landscape, culminating in a battered Imperial escape pod. The door is open, and we hear someone gasping and grunting in effort. Further exploration along a trail of increasingly more fatigued-looking tracks reveals the individual to be the fallen Sith Lord, Darth Vetinari. His cape is in tatters, he is missing one glove, and it is clear all that armour is stiflingly hot as he drags himself over the harsh wasteland towards a collection of rocks and possible shelter from the blazing heat. He really wishes he had one of those portable fans with him right now.  
  
Presently he pauses and tries to wipe the sweat from his face. He sits back on his heels and takes off the fearsome helmet he has worn all through the trilogy so he can better accomplish this, revealing a distinct silver streak in his otherwise raven-black hair. As he tries to get his breath back, we hear the sound of rocks grating against each other. He looks up at the sound and goes dead pale when he sees that…  
  
THE DRAGON  
  
is advancing upon him over a cluster of rocks, her baby at her side. She looks as though she is going to *enjoy* this. Below her and in front of the rocks, we also see Death waiting patiently for his part in this whole thing.  
  
As the Dragon's shadow falls across Vetinari like a death-shroud:  
  
DARTH VETINARI  
  
Oh… poopie.  
  
One of her wings unfurls and blocks our view…  
  
QUIRM – A FEW DAYS LATER  
  
The wreckage of the Millennium Falcon, as well as the more obvious debris of the Last Battle, has been cleaned up from the city streets, but the structural damage still remains for the most part. A few wizards in Quirmish-designed scaffolds and harnesses are working at restoring the Ivory Tower. There is activity within.  
  
INT – IVORY TOWER  
  
The main ballroom of the noble structure has been decorated and filled with people for a formal awards ceremony. Among the honoured guests are Ridcully [in something colourful donated by the Quirmish], Vimes [in full dress armour], Ponder Stibbons [in the newest robes he owns], and the Librarian [freshly groomed and deflea-ed]. Carrot is still conspicuously absent; this omission weighs heavily upon Angua, who stands at the head of the carpeted aisle with her parents, Threepio, and Persephone 9000 [both well-polished]. The general mood is slightly somber.  
  
After an expectant pause, King Guye leans over and whispers in Angua's ear. She nods reluctantly, and gestures to start the music for the ceremony.  
  
The band only gets through a single chord, and the honourees a single step, before there is a loud crackling sound as lightning licks over the chamber. The chandelier shorts out in a shower of sparks, then reality opens up a short distance below the fixture and regurgitates the battered and abused red phone booth. The booth lands heavily in the middle of the aisle with a jolt that nearly tips it over, but it resettles on its base without misadventure.   
  
It is smoking and scorched, as though it really did get out of the exploding ship by the narrowest of margins. The windows are so blackened with smoke that the passengers, if there are any, cannot be seen. The antenna, now badly mangled, gives off a feeble spark.  
  
Angua's eyes and mouth go very wide.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
Get it open! Now!  
  
A few of the stronger Quirmish manage to pry open the folding doors [this takes some effort, since the metal is heat-warped slightly. Smoke billows out, and for a few beats nothing else is evident.  
  
Then, rather abruptly, the four passengers – Rincewind, Preston, Logan, and finally Carrot – avalanche out, landing in an untidy tangle of limbs and bruises, with Rincewind at the bottom of the pile. In all, they appear to have attempted to take on a volcano with a squirt gun.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Ow.  
  
CARROT  
  
[lifting his head] Looks like we've made it just in time. That was an excellent display of dialing skills there, Bill.  
  
PRESTON  
  
Thanks, dude. It's all in the fingers, right, Ted?  
  
LOGAN  
  
Totally.  
  
They unpile themselves and, after a bit of last-minute straightening of clothing and manual demussing of hair, arrange themselves in front of the assembled guests. Carrot notices the silence first.  
  
CARROT  
  
[concerned] We didn't miss it, did we?  
  
Angua starts laughing through her tears of relief.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
No… no, you're just in time.  
  
PRESTON  
  
[bows] That's our specialty, royal Discworld babe.  
  
Logan smacks him in the back of the head.  
  
PRESTON  
  
What?!  
  
LOGAN  
  
[stage whisper] "Royal Discworld babe"? Show a little respect, dude! It's obvious that… [gestures meaningfully to Angua and Carrot] You know. Attached.  
  
PRESTON  
  
Oh. Sorry, Carrot-dude.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
Now that the honoured guests have all arrived…  
  
The band starts [again], and Our Intrepid Heroes proceed up to the dais. As she awards the medals and honours:  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
To Captain Vimes, we award the Medal of Excellence, for his part in organizing the Rebel Alliance against the Empire.  
  
VIMES  
  
Always a pleasure.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
To Ridcully and Chewbacca, we award Medals of Valour, for so bravely fighting for our cause, and for Ridcully deliberately not being an arsehole. [sotto] But I still hate disco music.  
  
RIDCULLY  
  
The Falcon's being fixed, right?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
*Yes*, Ridcully. It'll be good as new. To Ponder Stibbons on behalf of the Ivory Tower, we award the Quirmish Star of Innovation for their part in repelling the Imperial attack on Quirm.  
  
Stibbons blushes with pride and doffs his hat respectfully to accept the medal.  
  
PONDER STIBBONS  
  
This is… certainly an honour, Your Grace.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
To Rincewind, we award the Medal of Valour—  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
[clearly not expecting this] Wh- what?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
--for his part in freeing several captured Rebels deep within enemy territory.  
  
She raises the medal to place it over his head, then hesitates.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
[stage whisper] Rincewind, your hat.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Er – what about it?  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
[sotto] The medal won't fit over the brim.  
  
RINCEWIND  
  
Oh.  
  
He sheepishly takes off his hat [he has bad hat hair] and accepts the medal.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
And finally, to Carrot, we award the Medal of Excellence, for unparalleled bravery and discipline, as well as devotion to duty during the entire trilogy, as well as your part in the dissolution of the Empire.  
  
He smiles modestly as he accepts the medal.  
  
CARROT  
  
It was an honour. [hesitates] I just have one question… for your parents – if you don't mind me doing this here.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
[puzzled] Er, go ahead.  
  
Carrot turns to Guye and Serafina and bows deeply. He takes a cleansing breath, wets his lips and plunges in:  
  
CARROT  
  
King Guye… Queen Serafina… Your Collective Graces… It has been the deepest honour to know your daughter, and I'd like to spend the rest of my life with her. I respectfully request your permission to marry Angua.  
  
Angua makes a happy little noise and looks expectantly at her parents. King Guye opens his mouth [the intended response does not appear positive], but before he can say anything Threepio plucks at his sleeve and hands him a familiar scroll. Guye unfurls the scroll and reads it. Then he reads it a second time. Finally, just to make certain, he reads it a third time. Finally:  
  
KING GUYE  
  
[to Threepio] The throne of Ankh-Morpork?!  
  
PONDER THREEPIO  
  
It's true, sir. Persephone helped me with the research, and all our sources agree. The last recorded members of that bloodline were Jedi, believed killed somewhere in the Ramtop Mountains eighteen years ago – his parents, as it happens. [to Carrot] Master Carrot, would you turn around, please?  
  
Carrot obediently turns his back on the royals, and Threepio pulls aside the collar of Carrot's shirt to expose the crown-shaped birthmark.  
  
PONDER THREEPIO [cont'd]  
  
As it happens, every male in his father's line all had this same crown-shaped mark.  
  
KING GUYE  
  
So. The dwarf-raised miner *is* royalty.  
  
CARROT  
  
[turning back to face Guye and Serafina] Without exaggeration, I think you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who loves your daughter more than I do. It would mean the Disc to me. [Guye hesitates] Please.  
  
Those assembled are quite silent now, waiting for Guye's answer. He can feel the weight of public opinion on him; it is clear that everyone assembled would like to see a happy ending for the two young heroes. He grumbles.  
  
PRINCESS ANGUA  
  
Daddy…?  
  
KING GUYE  
  
All right! All *right* – Carrot, I grant you my permission to marry Angua.  
  
And the crowd goes wild. Carrot and Angua hug warmly. After a few moments, Preston raises his hand, with the look of someone who is trying to work something out.  
  
QUEEN SERAFINA  
  
Yes? Who are you, young man?  
  
PRESTON  
  
Bill S. Preston, Esquire, Your Most Excellent Queenliness. I just have one question.  
  
QUEEN SERAFINA  
  
Go ahead and ask your question, then.  
  
PRESTON  
  
If Carrot's a prince, and Angua's a princess, when they get married that'll make them King and Queen, right?  
  
QUEEN SERAFINA  
  
Yes – he will become the king of Ankh-Morpork.  
  
PRESTON  
  
And if my memory of King Arthur stories serves—  
  
LOGAN  
  
You never read King Arthur, dude!  
  
PRESTON  
  
Have too! Who do you think is Prince Valiant's dad?  
  
LOGAN  
  
[clueless] Oh, right.  
  
PRESTON  
  
As I was saying – one of Carrot's king-y duties will be making knights, right?  
  
QUEEN SERAFINA  
  
This is also true… but what is your question?  
  
PRESTON  
  
When he makes someone a knight, he's not gonna go around tapping people on the shoulders with his lightsaber, is he? I mean a sword is fine as far as that goes, but a lightsaber…? That would *hurt*!  
  
Serafina smiles, finally seeing Preston's concern.  
  
QUEEN SERAFINA  
  
I'm certain a great Jedi would know the dangers of his own lightsaber. Are you formally requesting a knighthood for your part in aiding the rebellion?  
  
There is a startled pause and Preston and Logan stare at each other. The moment culminates in a single word:  
  
PRESTON/ LOGAN [unison]  
  
EXCELLENT!  
  
They each strum an energetic riff on their air guitars.  
  
VOICE [below frame]  
  
Hoo boy – there goes the Disc.  
  
PAN DOWN  
  
in search of the speaker; we find only a scruffy-looking, mangy little dog that might at one time have been a terrier mix, watching the whole proceedings with its back to the camera while scratching pensively behind one ragged ear. It finishes its rudimentary toilet and turns to look over its shoulder at the camera.  
  
DOG  
  
Woof, woof. What the hell you lookin' at?  
  
FADE TO BLACK.  
  
END CREDITS.  
  
Dramatis Personae:  
  
THE GOOD  
  
Carrot Skywalker  
  
Princess Angua  
  
Ridcully  
  
Chewbacca  
  
Captain Samuel Vimes  
  
Lady Sybil Ramkin  
  
Leonard da Quirm  
  
Ponder Stibbons  
  
Skazz  
  
Tezz  
  
Adrian  
  
Ponder Threepio  
  
R2-D2  
  
Persephone 9000  
  
Teppic  
  
Chidder  
  
Casanunda  
  
Assorted wizards  
  
Assorted rebels  
  
Assorted extras  
  
THE BAD  
  
Darth Vetinari  
  
Lord Hong  
  
Mr Teatime  
  
Assorted Imperials  
  
THE UGLY  
  
The Dragon  
  
with  
  
Gaspode the Wonder Dog as himself  
  
*****  
  
Finis. 


End file.
